Just Let My Blood Drip
by Converses Rolled Down
Summary: Marissa and Ryan start their relationship,whatever you call it, earlier. This is what happens if Ryan had a little more trust and a little more past...COMPLETE with Chapter 41 let me know if you want me to write a different ending
1. First Chapter

Just Let My Blood Drip

Marissa walked down her driveway out to the curb to wait for Luke, he never did like coming into her house; she was always the one waiting for him. She sat herself down knowing it might be a while before Luke decides he looks good enough to come pick her up. She concentrated hard on the part of the road where the rocks meet cement, until she felt an uncomfortable feeling of being watched.

"Who are you?" Marissa asked the strange sandy haired blue eyed stranger.

"Whoever you want me to be."

"Ok." She didn't have time to waste talking to this boy- well man, she could clearly tell he was no young kid- who stood on the Cohen's driveway. She clearly saw him smoking and it had been a while since she smoked.

"Can I bum a cigarette?"

He walked closer, now she could see him better under the streetlight. '_My god!'_ she thought. _' He is hot.' _ Marissa tried to control her breathing as he inched closer, just the fact that he was moving in so close so slow made her want to skip out on Luke and talk to this guy.

"You're the Cohen's cousin from Boston right?" She asked as he came just inches from her face and handed her the cigarette. He nodded. She put the cigarette in her mouth thinking he would just hand her his to light hers, instead he came close to her face and she light hers while his was still in his mouth. She backed away once it was lit.

"So..." She was so uncomfortable this guy hasn't said a word since **"whoever you want me to be." **

"Ryan." He said between puffs.

"Marissa." She smiled shyly hoping he didn't know what she was thinking about.

'_Say something Ryan come on, man, you're losing it,' _Ryan thought rapidly, '_why can't I speak I have always been good with the ladies; how is this one different?' _

"So you live around here?" Ryan stuttered.

'_RYAN! You dumbass she just came out of the house next door.' _

Marissa just laughed, "Yeah right there."

' _Awe, that's cute I made him nervous. Goddamn he is hot, what does he have to be nervous about?' _

"You want to go somewhere? Talk?" Ryan asked trying not to look like he really cared if she said yes or no.

' _What? Why would some girl like this want to hang out with a loser like me; she doesn't even know me. Calm down, cool just stay cool.' _ Ryan was about to burst why did she wait so long to answer?

"Umm," Marissa searched around for any sign of Luke's car, "I kind of am waiting for my boyfriend."

'_Boyfriend? Of course she has a boyfriend, girl like that of course. Act like you don't care.' _

"That's cool...when is he picking you up?"

'_Ryan, what are you doing?' _ Ryan was never like this to want to hang out with a girl this bad, but there was something about this chick, something...different.

"He is probably not picking me up for like another hour, just had to get out of the house. So I came to wait." Marissa said calmly, but inside she wasn't calm. Why was she telling this "Ryan" guy that her boyfriend wouldn't be there for another hour? He is just going to ask her to do something for an hour.

"Well, I mean if you want you can come with me to this party, give you a chance to meet some people." Marissa was shaking, why in the hell was she shaking?

"Is it cool with the boyfriend?" Ryan asked, hoping she would say yes.

"Yeah...you want to ask Seth if he wants to go?" Marissa didn't know Seth that well but she knew Ryan had to be good friends with him; maybe Seth can keep Ryan occupied so she wouldn't have to.

"Yeah, I'll go ask." Ryan smiled and turned back to the Cohen house, which Marissa had actually never been inside of she figured they were the same inside as every other house here. When Ryan smiled she melted just a little, that scared her just a little since she had been "going with" Luke since the sixth grade. Ryan came back with Seth in toe.

"Marissa Cooper, I haven't even talked to you since like when was it? Oh yes, the day you moved here in the first grade." Seth was someone not many people at Harbor talked to, he was always on his own.

"Hey Seth." What was she supposed to say? Oh yeah Seth its because you are a loser and I'm not. Marissa wasn't like that, plus she liked Seth he was always smiling. Just then Luke's truck flew up onto the curb.

"Marissa, why is fag standing ten feet from my car?"

'_Ah, the elegant boyfriend. I would treat her better than that. I've known her all of five seconds and I know how to handle her. She is so delicate can this guy not see that?' _ Ryan thought clenching his fist close to his thigh. Thinking Marissa would see it he released his grip, he could still feel the beating of his blood in his fist and tried breathing a little slower.

"And who is this guy?" Luke glanced hard in Ryan's direction.

"Hey yeah, Luke, hi. Seth not fag, but you know not everyone is a genius. This here is my," Seth didn't know Ryan long enough to consider him anything.

"His cousin...Ryan" Marissa added.

Seth just looked toward Ryan, whose gaze was clearly on Marissa.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Holly's party started an hour ago, get in babe." Luke coughed and let his hand push the passenger's side door open.

"Luke, I figured Seth and Ryan could...umm go to the party too." Marissa was nervous that she lingered on saying Ryan's name.

"Fine, but I ain't taken' these losers home, got that?"

Marissa let Seth get in first, then allowed her self the seat next to Seth and behind the front seat, Luke felt a little unsteady have his girlfriend in the backseat and this other guy in the seat next to him.

As Marissa was climbing in the truck Ryan tried not to make the fact that he was checking her out too obvious. Marissa might have noticed his hand right on the small of her back as she got in, but it was quick not a long thing the fucking boyfriend was right there.

"Get in kid." Luke saw Ryan's eyes on his girlfriend and snapped him back to reality. _'I'll take care of this kid later.' _ Luke thought.

At the Party

"Sum!" Marissa yelled when she entered the huge house, which was the size of Ryan's whole neighborhood back in Chino. Seth had told Ryan before about his crush on some chick named Summer, who Ryan figured was this dark haired skinny girl running into Marissa's arms.

"Coop, umm why is this kid here?" She was referring to Seth who was to busy drooling on himself to notice Summer's comment.

"I dream about you...I mean," Seth squeaked.

"Seth, lets get some kind of drink in you." Ryan said as he grabbed Seth by the arm. As he passed Marissa he let his free arm run along her side as long as he could.

'_My God, why did he do that? And why did I get goose bumps? Did he know I got goose bumps, did Luke notice it? Of course Luke didn't he ran in way before Marissa could even undo her seat belt. Should I talk to Ryan, I mean just get to know him? What could it hurt?' _Marissa thought.


	2. You're Not Typical

"Who is that?" Summer asked.

"You mean Seth?" Marissa asked. "He is my neighbor, you know him."

"No the other one."

"Oh, that's Ryan, he is Seth cousin or something." Marissa said pretending she didn't care a thing about him.

"He is hot. I will welcome him," Summer winked, "Oh yeah." She started to walk away when Marissa grabbed hold of her arm. To both of their surprise it was a VERY tight grip.

"Summer, I heard someone out there call your name." Marissa lied. She slowly undid her grip and smiled. Summer gave her look and went in search of the person who didn't call her.

Marissa found her way toward Ryan, who was definitely eyeing her from across the room.

"Hey." Marissa said as she smoothed out her thousand dollar jeans.

"Hey." Ryan said from behind his drink. "Did you need to talk to me?"

"Umm," Marissa didn't know why she was so interested in this guy, besides the fact that he was incredibly hot.

"Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" Ryan asked over the blaring music, which began to play.

Marissa looked around for Luke or Summer and saw neither, "sure."

Ryan was calm on the outside but his heart skipped a beat on the inside. He didn't know whether it was ok to take her hand or not, so he went with not. Marissa followed him out onto the beach. _'Goddamn it why did I say yes? Now Luke is going to look for me and I am out on a beach with this guy I don't even know.'_

They got to a secluded part of the beach but Ryan decided he didn't want to make her uncomfortable so he made sure it was close enough to the house.

"I'm not Seth's cousin." Ryan confessed, something about her made him want to be completely honest.

"What?" Marissa was confused he had said he was Seth cousin earlier.

"Seth's dad, Sandy, is my attorney and he took me in when my mom's boyfriend beat me up," Ryan decided to keep the part about his brother and him stealing a car to himself.

Marissa didn't know what to say. _'Why did he tell me that? And what the hell am I doing still sitting here?'_

"Sorry if that made you uncomfortable, but something about you makes me what to tell you everything." Ryan smiled hoping she would smile back at him, he liked her smile it was a little crooked.

"So who are you then?" Marissa shifted in the sand to move a little away from him without making it too obvious.

"Ryan...Ryan Atwood, just a kid from Chino whose parents don't care enough to keep him. So I called Sandy and he is kind of taking me in for a while."

"Okay." Marissa didn't know what to say he just completely opened up to her, and he didn't look like a real open guy. "I'm sorry I just don't know exactly what to say."

"Well, we came out to talk so tell me about you?" Ryan asked sweetly; doing anything he could to keep her by him. The wind was blowing hard, pushing her sweet smelling perfume into his deep ocean blue eyes. He coughed trying not to breathe it in, knowing he couldn't resist her.

"I don't know...I am just a typical Newport girl."

"Exactly what does that mean 'typical Newport girl' you don't seem typical to me." Ryan scooted a little closer so his arm was brushing up against hers.


	3. You Know What I Don't Need This

'_You have no idea what that means to me, that you don't think I am typical.' _ Marissa thought.

"Thanks." Something about Ryan made her feel, different, different than she did even with Luke. Ryan's eyes never left hers, he held the gaze until Marissa looked down to the sand. Ryan saw a little tear drip down her face; his hand reached up and caught it. It was some kind of instinct to catch her tears. Marissa leaned back to where she was laying in the sand. Ryan followed her and lay down next to her. He titled his head sideways so he could look at her a little longer.

"You're...beautiful." Ryan whispered slightly to himself slightly to her.

"Sorry I know you have a boyfriend...I don't know why I said it...well I know why I said it...I just didn't mean to say it...I meant to say it just not out loud." Ryan was beginning to sound like Seth that scared him into silence.

"It's ok." Marissa didn't know what it was about how Ryan said she was beautiful that was different from when Luke said it. '_Oh shit, Luke I need to get back.' _Marissa thought to herself; still lost in Ryan's deep aqua eyes. Ryan decided that he wouldn't be here very long so why not take a chance on this girl? He sat up just a little still eyeing Marissa, who looked deep in thought. He didn't want to have her thinking he was trying to get into her pants so he let his arms out to her to help her up. She took them without a sound and stood up inches from his soft lips.

"Am I allowed to?" Ryan asked, he wanted to keep his gentleman status intact.

Marissa just nodded a slow yes; she didn't even give herself time to say no. He took one of her hands and pulled her into him. He held the kiss for a while and let his tongue slip in slowly. She noticed his tongue on hers and she took part in the moment as much as he was; his hand was still in hers and his free hand was slowly cradling the small of her back. Luke never was this soft with her, he was aggressive and their first kiss he didn't ask, and she liked that Ryan asked. Her free arm swung onto his shoulders and her heart stopped beating for a short time. Ryan must have felt the change in her heart beat and released his mouth from hers, and rested his forehead on hers, they were still in the same embrace and Ryan pulled her in a little tighter.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked catching his breath.

"Fine." Marissa said and took him back into the kiss. Ryan deepened it and Marissa felt her knees go weak, she was having the best kiss of her life with a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. She let go of the kiss and pulled away.

"I can't do this, I have a boyfriend." Marissa said silently trying to convince herself that she loved Luke very much. "Sorry." She really meant that she wished with everything she could stay here with him, maybe just run away with this guy. He was someone who stood out from the drones of Newport; this guy cared about her not because he wanted anything he just genuinely cared. Ryan was still holding tightly to her hand but loosened it a little when she brought up Luke in the conversation. She squeezed his hand, either intentionally or not Ryan didn't know but he saw tears start to fill in her now deep red eyes.

"What's wrong?" Ryan cooed, which he d never done before.

"You don't understand Ryan, I don't want to screw things up with Luke...I love him." Marissa lied. She released his hand and ran back for the party.

'_No use in staying here...the reason I came to this party is running back to her boyfriend.' _Ryan thought to himself...what a waste of breath trying to "rescue her". Ryan walked down the beach toward the Cohen's house and the party. When he found Seth being beat up by theses big guys and Luke.

"Hey get off him!" Ryan yelled lurching onto Luke. He had more than one reason to beat up this guy. Seth stumbled to his feet and watched in awe at this guy he barley knew standing up for him, no one had ever done that before. Seth jumped onto one of the polo players on top of Ryan.

"Run Ryan get to my house, go!" Seth had no idea what he was doing but he knew that he didn't want to see Ryan being beat up. Luke kicked Ryan in the ribs and yelled, "Welcome to the O.C bitch." All the boys scattered leaving a bloody nosed Seth laughing, and Ryan laying clutching his ribs.

"Let's go man, I have had enough fun for the night." Seth said as he stood on his feet that had failed him in the fight. Ryan stood up, the beach spun before his eyes, and his legs failed beneath him. Not once, had Ryan lost a fight and the one he lost was over a guy he didn't know and a girl he wished he knew. Then Seth was able to prop Ryan up, leaning Ryan's weight onto him. Seth walked them through the house, everyone stared at them and Seth just tipped his imaginary hat to everyone. Clearly wasted Seth knew that Ryan and he would be walking home.

"Summer, I'll see you around." Seth slurred.

"Eww." Summer turned and walked back over to Marissa.

"What happened to them?" Marissa asked seriously concerned; thinking it had something to do with her.

"Luke kicked the shit out of that guy and the kid, who I heard is from Chino." Summer raised her perfect eyebrows in disgust.

"Chino?" Ryan hadn't told her that so how did Summer know.

"Yeah, that Jewish kid like yelled it when Luke was beating him."

"Why?"

"Who knows, or cares?" Summer walked over to some hot guys sitting on the cream colored coach.

"Luke, I want to leave." Marissa practically yelled into Luke's drunken ear.

"Babe, the party just started!"

"Luke, I WANT TO GO HOME." She said fully aware of the anger in her voice.

"Fine, you can walk home then I am so wasted I can't drive you anywhere." Luke's lips meet Marissa's and she was fully disgusted. Luke's hand slapped her ass as she was walking away.Marissa walked back out onto the beach, she figured she would wait for Summer to take her home, but she couldn't stand the party anymore. Slowly her hand reached into her purse. She hadn't had anything to drink since she got here. The Vodka bottle was half-empty; it just made her numb which was all she wanted right now. About an hour later she decided to see why Summer hadn't come out yet. She slowly stumbled through the party goers until she heard a loud moan coming from the room adjacent to the cream colored couch Summer was still sitting on. She decided to see if everything was okay in there, because she began to hear screams. She pushed the door lightly with her palm to find Luke on the bed on top of Holly. Marissa stood still for; she didn't know how long she stood there starring until she ran out of the house grabbing Summer by the wrist.

"Sum, we have to get out of here." Marissa cried, trying to hold back the tears. Summer Roberts had been her best friend since the third grade; if anyone could help her now it would be Summer. She ran with Summer in toe until she felt they were far enough from the house.

"Sum, Luke is in there with Holly."

"What do you mean?" Summer wasn't the brightest crayon in the box but then again no one in Newport was that smart.

"Well, I walked in to get you to take me home, and I heard something that sounded like screaming and it was Holly, underneath Luke."

"Omi god." Summer moved her hand from her side and placed it on her friend's shoulder. "Coop, are you going to be ok?" Summer knew Marissa had a lot to deal with, what with her dad stealing money, and her mom threatening to leave.

A/N Hey people! I love getting reviews and I am totally into making sure the story is interesting for you...so feel free to post any comments or things you would like to see and i will try to incorrporate them into my story. And sorry about my spelling I suck at that.. LOVE YOU, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN. (Long One) 


	4. Just Let My Blood Drip

"Yeah, Sum can you just take me home now?"

"For sure." Summer never could get rid of that valley girl phrase it just suited her.

At the Cohen's pool house

"Ryan, man that was so awesome." Seth held a Kleenex to his nose.

Ryan just looked in his direction not sure what to say.

"Man, the way you just jumped on Luke." Seth said imitating the events of the night. "Sorry but I kind of let it slip that you are from Chino...I was just trying to get him off of me.'

"And on me?" Ryan shot back.

"Nah man not like that, well yeah I guess sorry dude. You totally had my back out there."

"Anytime Seth, anytime." Ryan was laying on the bed Rosa had made for him and starred at the ceiling.

"Dude, I am so wasted." Seth laughed laying back onto the couch.

Ryan raised himself out of the bed and walked to the side of the pool house. He breathed in the cool ocean air and sat himself down in the softly dewed shrubs. Ryan never felt safe not once, he had to be alert for anything, but somehow being in Orange County with Seth he wasn't the scared little boy he used to be. Suddenly he heard a car drive into Marissa's driveway. He figured it would be Luke's truck pulling up but it was some kind of SUV. Marissa stepped out of the car and waved to the driver. She sat down to collect herself on the porch. Under the porch light Ryan saw her eyes deepen into thought. Something she thought made her cry a little, Ryan hated to see anyone cry but she look beautiful even when her whole face was wet with tears. Ryan decided now was not a time to see how she was doing. Ryan returned to the pool house sick at how he couldn't help her.

At the Cooper house

"GOD DAMNIT JIMMY, if you had thought about our family you would have woken up!" Julie was always yelling now a days.

Marissa passed them and her father waved.

"Hey kiddo."

Marissa nodded and ran to her room locking the door behind her. She opened her drawer to reveal all her makeup; she reached far back into the drawer to pull out her blade. She opened her purse and got out the Vodka and washed the blade with it's sour drops. Marissa couldn't cry now, you can't do it when you are emotional. She sat in her vanity chair and placed a washcloth on the table. She took a deep breath, a swing of the rest of the Vodka, and placed the blade close to the higher part of her arm. She carved the blade deep into her skin below the older scars. She scrapped a sour arch on her shoulder letting the blood come to the surface; she sighed a breath of hurt and pleasure at the pain that followed the marks of the blade. Her hand rested on top of the newly fresh mark made on her skin and let the warmth of the blood calm her. She let herself cry the cut was already made so the emotion could come into play now. She slid the razor back into the hidden place in her drawer and placed the towel on the wound. She got out a fresh bottle of Vodka from a shoebox hidden in her closet and took a drink, and to increase the pain she poured 1/3 of the Vodka onto her arm, she winced a little at the pain but soon she was fully numb. She laid down on her bad fully satisfied at the deep cut on her shoulder; she eyed it all night waiting for it to bleed blue. She once cut deep enough that her blood turned blue, but she couldn't ever get it to happen again. She closed her eyes and rested the bloody towel on the floor under her bed. _' Pain isn't why I like the steel of that blade on my arm it's better if I focus on the physical pain rather than this mental strain that is taking me under.' _Marissa let her blood that was still running fall down her arm and down to her wrist. She slept with her head in a clearer state than it had been earlier that night.

Next Day at the Cooper house

Marissa woke up in the same position she fell asleep in, arms above her head legs sprawled out. The Vodka bottle was still sitting on her bedside table, she grabbed for the bottle and drank a good amount and set it back in the shoebox it was in before. She slowly lifted herself out of bed, and the room spun a little, she didn't know if it was loss of blood or the Vodka so she laid her head back again.

"Mariss!"

'_God what is it now?'_

"Yeah mom?"

"Get down here!"

'_Fuck.'_

Marissa quickly threw on a sweatshirt to cover the cuts and threw a piece of BED RED in her mouth. Julie was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, and she looked pissed.

"Luke called." Julie barked.

"So?"

"So, he is very upset that you left without him yesterday."

"He is a big boy he'll get over it." Marissa had never talked back to her mom before but damn it felt good. Marissa retreated to her room for some "release" and continued the ritual that she started again last night.

At the Cohen's pool house

Ryan woke up looking for Marissa, when he realized he didn't go try to talk to her, he didn't try to save her at all. Seth stirred in his sleep, snoring soundly. Ryan pulled off his covers and threw on a clean tee shirt. No way was he going to let Marissa slip away crying, if he could help it. He brushed off his wrinkled jeans, and walked out into the burning California sun. He knew he had to talk to her, he knew what he would do when he was depressed, and she tasted like alcohol when he had kissed her. He looked for a way to figure out which room was hers; but he didn't need to think to hard she had a sign with her name on it propped up in her window. He picked up the first rock he could find and chunked it upward. The window opened slowly; _'yes she is awake!' _Ryan called out her name several times before she saw him.

"What are you doing here?" She yelled down at him.

"Can I come up?"

"I guess," She answered uneasily.

' What is he doing? Did I not explain to him that I am with Luke, well was with Luke.'

Ryan climbed up the side of the house, surprisingly quiet. He reached the window and Marissa franticly tried to hide the razor and Vodka but to no avail. He had seen it and made sure she knew he did.

"Why?" Ryan asked blankly pointing to the Vodka and razor.

"You wouldn't understand, now what do you want?" Marissa avoided his eyes and looked at the now empty Vodka bottle.

"I was just checking on you, I saw you crying last night after the party." Ryan stood slightly in front of the bottle to get her to look at him.

"You saw me crying?" Marissa asked as if she didn't know what he was talking about.

"Yeah. Outside your house, I was out getting some fresh air and I saw you crying."

Marissa put her hands in front of her face trying to block the tears that were forming. Ryan grabbed her arms and pulled them off her face and wiped the tears.

A/N whoa chapter four I am lovin' this! It gets really dark in this chapter so if it upsets you sorry but i warned you on the summary and the title kind of tells you its ganna be dark....but i love dark romantic things so here it is my story LOVE YOU, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN 


	5. I'm Just Like You

A/N thanks kiddies for the cough four reviews it really doesnt motivate me much and i have updated alot this is chapter 5 so thats alot!! Thanks tho for the reviews! I LOVE JULES SHE IS THE BESTEST! anyway thanks and keep reviewing if u want more drama!! LOVE YOU CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

"It's okay." Ryan was trying to keep her as calm as he could, "Marissa, what's going on?"

"I...I saw Luke with another girl." Marissa decided the truth was easier than lying and something about him made her want to tell the truth.

"It's okay." He hugged her tightly not really wanting to let go but he did eventually. "What did you do with that?" He asked talking about the razor and Vodka.

"I..."

Ryan lifted her sleeve and saw the blood dried on her shoulder, and the battered old scars.

"Oh God." Ryan took her closer and kissed the shoulder she had been cutting right before he came. "I am so sorry." That's all he could say, what was the correct response to this? Marissa just let herself cry on his shirt staining it with her salty tears. "It's okay to cry Marissa, I'm here." He knew to continually tell her he was there for her, that's what he would have wanted. He hugged his arms tightly around her to support her weakening body.

"Thank you." Marissa got out between cries.

"Who all knows you do this?"

"You now."

Ryan's heart fluttered a little bit knowing now they had a secret, maybe a dark secret but a secret none the less.

"I'm not going to let you do this again." Ryan didn't know where that sentence came from, he wouldn't be here tomorrow. "You want to take a walk with me?"

Marissa looked up into his eyes how could she say no, "Sure."

Ryan let her go out the window first, allowing him to put the razor in his pocket to dispose of later. They made their way to the pier and he sat her down on the wooden bench then took a seat next to her.

"How long have you been doing that?" Ryan asked as he rubbed the scars.

"Does it not scare you?"

"Scare me? No, it makes me worry, but it doesn't scare me." Ryan smoothed her hair behind her ear.

"I've done it for like a month now."

"And the drinking?"

"Since I went to my first Newport party."

"Are you going to do it again?"

"I cant promise you I won't."

Ryan grabbed a hold of her hand, and put his other hand behind her back. He could feel a little shiver go through both their bodies.

"Is Luke the only reason you did it this time?"

"My parents are probably going to get a divorce so that too."

She was so calm when she told him all of this, and she normally is a very emotional person.

"Are you going back to Chino?" Marissa asked nervously.

"I don't want to, but this is a totally different world, and I got people back home." He looked her in the eyes, letting her know she was the reason he didn't want to leave.

"You could stay with the Cohen's."

"No ...they kept me long enough, and if I stay with them much longer I'll end up in a group home."

"Where are you're parents?"

"My mom is a drunk and my dad is in jail, and my mom's boyfriend is an abusive jackass. Oh and my brother Trey is in jail for stealing a car, and he had some drugs on him."

Marissa was a little taken a back by his complete honesty and his blunt explanation.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For that...your ...umm situation." Marissa didn't want to hurt his feelings so she took her hand and put it in his hair to show that she was truly sorry.

"Thanks." Ryan smiled. He had the most gorgeous smile Marissa had ever seen. "I'm sorry about the other night, Marissa."

"For kissing me?" Marissa teased him.

"Yeah for that." He smiled again this time a little wider.

"You don't need to be sorry for that."

"I don't?"

"No, I just freaked out about Luke and I ran."

"If I kiss you again will you run?"

"No." Marissa said quietly.

Ryan leaned in to meet his lips with hers and bit a little on her bottom lip and kissed onto her neck and back to her mouth. His tongue was soft on hers and she felt like everything was finally going to be okay, for once. Ryan pulled up her sleeve and kissed her scars and put his hand on it and pulled her hair; that was softly blowing in the wind, behind her ear.

"I don't want to have to kiss anymore scars." Ryan smiled and kissed her again and he knew he wouldn't be able to leave. "I want to help you." Ryan let his hand slip into hers, comforting her.

"I don't think you can."

"Why not?" A very sincere question though he figured he knew the answer.

"You aren't staying, you don't really know me, and I don't think at this point anyone can help."

"I won't let you go back to that razor blade, you don't need to do that every time you have a problem. "Ryan knew deep down he would never see this girl after today, he was leaving for Austin; so he wouldn't be a foster kid.

"You don't understand."

"You don't think I understand?" Ryan pulled his sleeve up to his forearm, reveling six very old scars. Marissa let her finger roll over the scars her eyes met up to his.

"I...I didn't know." Marissa whispered.

A/N come on guys post like you mean it...I am really into hearing what 'yall think (i know i say 'Yall alot but i am from the Big D so forgive me and love me) LOVE YOU MUCHO, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN 


	6. So This Is What I've Become

A/N 'Yall really need to post or I will quit writting this alright because I dont want to write if no one is reading it, or liking it LOVE YOU, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN 

Marissa had never seen scars on anyone else before, and shockingly she kept her composure.

"I didn't want you to think I just felt sorry for you...so I had to show you my scars." Ryan looked out past the pier trying hard to figure out how he was going to leave this girl.

"Ryan?"

Her voice brought him back, "yeah?"

"You have to go to Austin right?"

"Yeah...I can't stay here and pretend I fit in." Ryan finally turned to face her.

"Its not like that...no one knows you yet, so how do you know you won't fit in?"

"We're from two completely different worlds."

"That's not true."

Ryan glared at her, he knew he couldn't stay here it just wouldn't work.

"Marissa, I'm sorry I just can't stay here...I got a bus ticket for Austin and I got to go."

Marissa looked at him with puppy dog eyes, "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow night."

'_Shit she's pissed.' _ Ryan thought to himself.

"Okay." Marissa got up from the bench and turned her back to him.

'I can't let Ryan see me crying. I've known this guy for what a day? And here I am crying for him. I don't need him. I don't need anybody.'

Ryan got up and held her shoulders, "I'm sorry."

Why was he saying 'I'm sorry' all the time to her? He didn't have anything to be sorry for, and deep inside he knew that.

"Whatever Ryan. I don't even know you what do I care if you leave?" Marissa yelled at his shadow, still not wanting to face him.

Right then was the moment Marissa ran, what she ran to Ryan didn't know. No one knew not even Marissa...well, until she got there.

Marissa furiously beat her hand against the door. _'Come on, I know you're home.' _ Finally someone came to the door.

"Marissa, what's wrong?" A figure appeared before her.

Marissa ran into the house dragging the figure along.

At the Cohen house

Ryan walked slowly back to the Cohen house after Marissa ran away from him.

"You know, I have never had a hangover ever in my life?" Seth winced at the sun that Ryan let in when he opened the door.

"Sorry dude, I should have had your back and kept you from drinkin' that much." Ryan threw himself onto the silk bed that was temporarily his and shut his deep aqua eyes.

"Nah man, you totally had my back out there...man what's up?"

Ryan titled his head to face Seth, "You know Marissa?"

"No, but go on." Seth laughed.

"Well, we sorta kissed."

"How can you sorta kiss?" Seth was completely serious.

"Well I kissed her the other night at that party, and she kissed back. So I guess its fair to say we fully kissed." Ryan laughed; it eased the pain of this net part of his story. "She caught Luke having se with another girl and so she like..."

"Yeah?"

"She cut herself."

Seth stayed quiet waiting for Ryan to finish.

"...I went and saw her earlier today and found her bleeding and drunk, so I took her to the pier for some fresh air and we talked. Then I had to tell her I was leaving tomorrow for Austin."

Seth cut him off, "wait you're leaving?"

"Yeah man, I can't stay here."

"Why the hell not? I got enough comics to keep us entertained so you wouldn't be bored."

"Listen Seth, I can't stay here. Your parents would just put me in a group home and I don't want that."

"What about your parents?"

"What parents?" Ryan started to think of Dawn and her jackass boyfriend; they didn't qualify as parents.

"Your parents man, the people you live with and beg money from?"

"I made the money in my house and I basically lived alone unless AJ felt the need to beat me, or Dawn looked in my direction."

"Dude, I am so sorry...you can stay here though!"

"No, no I can't Seth." Ryan got up and started to pack.

"What are you doing." Seth got up, lightheaded but stable.

"I'm packing."


	7. The Punisher

A/N Glad to know you guys are liking it....I will respond to posts every now and then but right now i didnt have much time to write but i know where I am going with this for sure!!! LOVE YOU, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN READ ANYTHING BY LALA456 

"And what are you going to do 'till the bus shows up tomorrow?" Seth wasn't an easy angered person but losing a guy, who could very well be his only friend, devastated him.

"I...don't know I might go down to Chino say bye to some of my friends."

"Alright, you do that." Seth threw a comic book at Ryan, one he had picked out special for him: The Punisher.

Ryan grabbed the comic and threw it in his bag on top of his millions of wife beaters _'I ruin everything. I never should've called Sandy in the first place. If I wasn't such a puss I never would have even run away. Austin is the only place I can go now without ruining anyone else's lives.' _Ryan ran his hand along the softly painted walls and shut the door to the pool house. He had to leave, he would only make things worse if he stayed, well at least that's what he tried to convince himself.

LATER AT THE BUS STATION 7 PM

Ryan threw his bag onto his shoulder and hopped onto the bus. The only seat not near the window; that was open was by a old man that didn't seem alive. Ryan took the seat and covered his chest with his bag. His mind was racing where was he going? What was he going to do when he got there? To take his mind off everything he pulled out the comic Seth had thrown at him. On the inside cover, written in pencil, was a note from Seth:

"Ryan, I am really glad you stole that car. Well not glad...or proud of you for that, but you know I never would have met you if you didn't. I would have gone for the Escalade but whatever floats your boat...or should I say whatever steers your car? I don't know. I had the comic stuck under my bed and I read it the other day and thought of ya' man...no not like that...gross. Anyway, I think you would make an awesome superhero, but Captain Oats and I still make the best and sorry but he is already my sidekick. Sorry I am rambling. Basically I just want to say thanks. Thanks for not calling me names in front of me or...peeing in my shoes...and most of all thanks for being the best bud I ever had. I got to go its three and Summer is always hanging out at the beach now.

-Seth and Captain Oats-"

Ryan had laughed out loud during half of it and made some of the crazies' stare at him. Ryan really was on this bus heading to Austin but his heart, Marissa, and soul, Seth, were back in Newport.


	8. What Do I Care?

A/N The song in this chapter is "Tiger Lily" By MatchBook Romance; Thanks for all the reviews you guys' rule! To who-am-I-91 thank you for letting me know I had double posted I wouldn't have noticed.... and britchic thanks for your kind words..and anyone else I did not thank already, thank you! Motivates me to keep writing...any requests as to what should happen in coming chapters? LOVE YOU ALL, Converses Rolled Down

P-S READ ANY LALA456 story you can she rules! Bohemian Rhapsody is one of the best ones and she writes One Tree Hill as well...ON WITH THE STORY

AT THE ROBERTS' HOUSE

'_Why should I care if he's gone? I hardly know him...those lips, those deep eyes, that hair none of that belongs to me. And I could careless if it did. If I could I'd go back and undo even meeting him. Yeah all of it would never have happened...who needs boys. I don't need Luke, so I certainly don't need him, I can stop this on my own._' Marissa came to her supposed best friends house after Ryan broke her heart, though she would never admit that's what he did. She could never tell Summer about love or a boy who wasn't Luke.

"COOP!" Summer yelled her back to the present.

"Yeah sorry."

"You're thinking about him aren't you?"

"Why would I be thinking about him?"

"You've loved Luke since like the sixth grade."

_'I wasn't thinking about Luke,'_ Marissa was beginning to shake 

"Yeah I know Sum."

'_Marissa! You showed up at my door wet and crying, you got to tell me. I'm not as shallow as you think I am!'_ Summer was beginning to get annoyed; Marissa had been at her house for an hour and hadn't said hardly a word.

"Look, Coop, you didn't come here to watch me stare at you...you were crying when you came. What's up?"

"I...I don't know if you'd understand." Marissa stood and walked till she could see out Summer's window. She pulled back the blinds with her fragile hand and watched raindrops form on the screen.

"Marissa, I'm your best friend...at least I think I am. What won't I understand?"

"Love." Marissa couldn't even believe she said it.

"What?" Summer was furious if she heard what Marissa said correctly.

"Love. Summer you have no idea what real love is."

"I loved Chip, John, Anthony..." Summer began counting on her fingers all of her ex-boyfriends.

"No, Sum not lust, love. You have no idea what love is."

"Marissa if you came here to tell me what I supposedly don't know then you can save it, there's plenty you don't know!" Summer was never very good at fights unless they were physical then she could probably beat Marissa's ass.

_'Summer... I didn't even know what love was...I don't even know if I do now but I think I let the one I might figure it out with...go.'_ Marissa was looking out the window, and thought she saw a shooting star, and had she been younger she might have wished on it. She might have wished for Ryan, or she might not all; the innocence she did have was gone, and meant nothing to anyone. No one knew what Marissa did alone in her house; sometimes she just went on like it never happened.

Summer sat down on her canopy bed and grabbed a hold of Princess Sparkles.

_'I know what love is Coop. More than you may think I do. I've felt it before but I was just a little girl.'_

"I'm sorry Summer. I didn't mean that." Marissa turned to look at her friend.

"It's alright Coop, I know you didn't mean anything by it."

The two friends sat in silence; Marissa slowly began to cry. Summer didn't ask any questions she just held her friend. Summer decided that this is a time that Marissa just needed silence. They both fell asleep, Summer cradling her broken friend.

The next morning Summer awoke to empty arms. Marissa had run again, not that Summer expected any different. Marissa never told Summer what she was feeling and if she did it was a lie. Summer Roberts was not the greatest friend to Marissa, she wasn't open to her she never comforted her, expect for last night. Last night Summer did something she has never done before, she cared for someone, and a situation that didn't directly involve her. She smiled broadly knowing that her friend was helped to some extent. Slowly her cold, iced heart was melting, and maybe one day she will love someone.

Marissa sat on the porch of the Roberts' house; her frail arms laced together in front of her chest and she finally began to breathe in. The air was some how sweeter than it was when she sat in this same place last night. The front door cracked open, and Summer peered out from behind it.

"You okay?"

"Better yeah." Marissa smiled broadly, a true smile for once.

"I'm sorry I've been a shity friend."

"Nah, we both have." Marissa patted the ground next to her.

Summer took a seat, "I'll be a better friend I promise."

"Just be you Sum, its worked so far." Marissa knew she had to leave before her mom found out she hadn't been home all night.

"Go home Coop, I'll met ya' at the beach at three." Summer flipped her dark brown hair behind her, and giggled at the look on Marissa's face.

"What?" Marissa was in no mood to be told she looks like shit.

"You're mom's ganna know you are totally wasted." And with that Summer walked back into her huge mansion that she basically lived in alone.

IN CHINO

Ryan had slept on the street, which it wasn't his first time, that night dreaming of Marissa. He knew that it would never work and Marissa deserved someone who could always be her hero, and Ryan just couldn't do it. He didn't have enough cash to make it to Austin so he got off the bus in Chino, hoping to make a few quick bucks and be on his way. He walked down, still completely tired from his non-existent sleep, the road past a bar and heard a song and stopped to take in its beauty.

**We drive tonight,**

**And you are by my side.**

**We're talking about our lives,**

**Like we've known each other forever.**

**The time flies by,**

**With the sound of your voice,**

**It's close to paradise,**

**With the end surely near.**

**And if I could only stop the car**

**And hold onto you,**

**And never let go...**

**I'll never let go.**

**As we round the corner**

**To your house**

**You turned to me and said,**

**"I'll be going through with drawl of you for this one night we have spent."**

**And, I want to speak these words**

**But I guess I'll just bite my tongue,**

**And accept "someday, somehow"**

**As the words that we'll hang from.**

**And I... don't want to speak these words.**

**Cause I, don't want to make things any worse.**

**Why does tonight, have to end?**

**Why don't we hit restart?**

**And pause it at our favorite parts.**

**We'll skip the good-byes.**

**If I had it my way,**

**I'd turn the car around and runaway,**

**Just you, and i.**

**And I... don't want to speak these words.**

**Cause I, don't want to make things any worse.**

He knew that, that song was played for him, for Marissa and him. He knew if he could he would've taken her with him, or at least stayed long enough to find out if it was true love. He has no concept of love, but does anyone have a correct definition for it? Is there a set form to follow to find it? Does fate exist? Ryan had to find out! No way was he going to Austin now, when the love he had been searching for is in Newport.


	9. Am I Invisible?

A/N thanks for all the post yall it really keeps me goin'. To Amber- yeah I love dark romantic stuff its mostly what I write, and I am glad you don't think its overly depressing, I don't mean for it to be I write it like I see it ya know. Any requests for what should happen next...I like hearing what yall would like to see happen! LALA456 READ HER STUFF....it's awesome! **AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO POSTED I WILL ANNOUNCE YALL ANOTHER TIME!** LOVE, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

AT THE COOPER HOUSE

Marissa struggled up her stairs still weak from her loss of blood, and maybe a little weak from her loss of love. She crawled into her bed and starred at no certain spot on the ceiling. She heard a soft knock at her door.

"Come in." She snuggled further under her covers.

"Kiddo, Luke's here to see you. Is that alright?" Jimmy was always wondering what Marissa was going through.

Marissa wasn't ready to see him but she really didn't have a choice, "yeah, it's fine dad."

Luke slowly opened the door, so anything she threw wouldn't hit him immediately.

"Marissa?"

"What do you want Luke?"

She had already gotten out of her bed and set her feet firmly onto the ground.

"I...listen I was drunk, and I didn't know what I was doing."

"Oh you don't? Let me remind you...You were doing Holly."

"No, it's not what it looked like I thought it was you I really did."

"Yeah Luke I sure do look a lot like Holly."

"I know."

Marissa rolled her eyes; "I was being sarcastic Luke."

"Listen, baby." He grabbed hold of both her arms.

'_Luke always was there for me. I love him. At least I think its love that or I'm hungry. I should just give him another chance...what else am I going to do with my time?' _Marissa had to figure out this mess of a life in less than four seconds; Luke couldn't focus that long.

"Fine Luke, I'm listening."

"I am really sorry, and it has never happened before, Holly and I were both really wasted and I didn't think it was Holly. I swear it will never happen again. I love you."

"Yeah, I love you too Luke."

Marissa's arms found a way around Luke's massive shoulders and she held him for what seemed like forever.

"You want to go down to the pier some of the guys invited me down there."

"Sure let me get dressed."

Luke stood completely still.

"Without you in here, please."

"Oh come on I've seen it all."

"All of Holly not me."

"Point well taken I'll wait for you by my car."

Luke disappeared behind the door.

'_This is stupid. I love Luke...so why can't I stop thinking about Ryan? Omi god shut up Marissa. He is gone he doesn't care so neither should you.' _Marissa threw on a better, cleaner, pair of Lucky jeans, and an Urban Outfitters shirt. So what if Luke hated that shirt, Marissa liked it...it was funny. "For Good Luck Rub My Belly," the little Buddha on it was so cute she loved that shirt.

She reached her stairs when she saw him, Ryan right by Luke's truck.

'SHIT!' 

Marissa ran back up her stairs but it was too late, he saw her.

"Marissa!" Ryan ran up to her, and pulled her arm back so she was facing him.

"What?"

"I came back."

"Good for you."

"I came back for you," Ryan handed her some wilted flowers, "they were alive when I bought them." He grinned, and she melted.

"Ryan." She gave him back the dead tulips, her favorite flower.

He looked down at the dying flowers in his hand, and back at Marissa.

'_Is he crying?' _ Marissa titled her head down, it was the first time she had made a boy cry, and she hated it.

Ryan nodded, "Yeah...back to Chino." He turned and walked past Luke. Luke laughed as Ryan took a last look back at Marissa.

"Dumbass I told you she was my girlfriend."

Ryan paused and turned back, "he isn't good enough for you Marissa." With that he left into the California sun that he never got in Chino.

Seth was just outside long enough to hear the gist of the conversations.

"Ryan, man wait."

Ryan turned, maybe Marissa wasn't the only reason he came back; Seth was a good guy.

"Yeah. I guess you heard that huh?"

"Kinda hard not to have heard it man. So you came back for my next door neighbor. Kind of gay if you ask me."

Ryan glared at him, "I didn't."

Seth laughed, "you going back right now?"

"I guess not."

"Come on man let's get you inside." Seth threw his arm over Ryan's shoulder. Ryan backed up a little then realized it was Seth, not AJ.

"Yeah, let's go."

Ryan took one more look back at Marissa's house; Luke's car was gone and he figured Marissa was to.

AT THE PIER

Luke laughed, almost dropping all the beer out of his mouth and into the ocean.

"Dude, don't ever do that again I'll kick your ass!" Luke put his arm on Marissa's waist; it wasn't a gentle move, more of a possession gesture.

"Sorry man but I had to say it," Danny announced.

Marissa had a disgusted look on her face, but none of the guys were looking at her face. _'Hello, I'm up here!' _

Luke leaned over and tried to start a make-out session but Marissa wouldn't have it she pulled away.

"Luke! Your friends are right there."

"So, you used to do that, with me in front of them." Luke pointed at his drooling friends.

"Well, I was stupid." Did she just say that?

Luke's arm rapidly pulled off her, "Oh yeah well, you can just go back to that Chino boy, I'm sure he won't try to kiss you, considering he's gay." He got a high five from one of his friends, who briefly took his eyes off Marissa.

"ENOUGH!" Marissa was fully red in the face now. "He's not gay, **I** kissed him, and he sure as hell isn't gay...Oh, and Luke it's **finally** OVER."

Luke watched as she ran out back in the direction of her house.

"Fuck her. I still got Holly." He took a second swing of his beer and pulled out his phone. "Holly...what's up? Come out to the pier some of us guys are out here. No it's over...yeah see ya' soon. "

AT THE COHEN"S HOUSE

Seth sat on the floor of the pool house looking up at someone who had become his best friend, Ryan.

"Hey, Ry?" Seth questioned, though it really was not a question.

"Yeah Seth?" Ryan sat on the bed; that was now his according to Sandy.

"You think Summer even knows I exist? Like I know she knows I am like alive but do you think she knows I like her...or my name, think she knows my name?"

Ryan interrupted Seth's rambling, "Seth, dude, easy. Girl's don't want to know you like them...until you got another chick." Ryan began to beam; he just got an idea.

"Yeah, but I can't get any chicks." Seth started to play with the stringy things falling out of the rug.

"Man, I can get you a chick to pretend you like no problem."

"You can?" Seth was beaming, "She hot?"

"Would I like anything that wasn't?" Ryan stated matter of factly.

"So true...I mean I don't like Marissa like that don't..."

"Seth, I know calm down." Ryan moved his way over to his jacket. "Come on let's go get you your first girlfriend."

"Well, it wouldn't be my first. I'm experience in that department."

"Sure." Ryan opened the door to let Seth out.

"Better tell the 'rents." Seth jogged into the kitchen and Ryan watched from outside.

'_Seth is so at ease with his parents, they love him. Why don't I have that? Doesn't Dawn love me? I mean to some extent. God, I want that, so bad it hurts to watch him talking to them...Am I jealous of Seth Cohen? God, how sad can my life get...oh yeah Marissa hates my guts!' _Ryan stopped thinking when Seth came, what he calls 'speed walking',' out.

"Good to go, capin'." Seth saluted, then figured he wanted to keep Ryan as a friend and stop mid-salute.

"Yeah...let's go."

AT THE CRAB SHACK

"I said to take me to a place you can meet girls, not eat shrimp." Ryan wailed.

"Oh...but the shrimp is **so** good here." Seth grabbed his stomach, "so hungry."

"I meant a club man, a C-L-U-B."

"Oh, that makes me even more hungry, I like club sandwiches."

"Seth, you have to be in a club like environment to meet girls."

"Dude, just let me get a shake I am starving and I cant bust a move if I am hungry."

"Hurry up." Ryan sat at the closest booth to the door.

Seth ran up to get in line, when who else but Summer walked in.

"Omi god." Summer stumbled back on to whatever or whoever was behind her.

Ryan saw Marissa walk into the restaurant, and hurriedly decided to go get Seth and get out of there.

"Seth man we got to get the hell out of here."

"What's up Ryan?" Seth took a long sip of the strawberry shake, "Oh I see Marissa is up."

Ryan rolled his eyes and pulled Seth out the door.

Summer finally let Marissa get past the door in time to see Ryan and Seth rush by.

"Sum, its ok really I told you I am so over it now." Marissa had told her friend all about Ryan's second encounter with Luke, leaving out the making out and cutting part of the story.

"Are you sure Coop? I mean didn't you say he cried?" Summer gave Marissa her confused look, which looked an awful lot like every other look Summer gave.

"No I just thought it look like he was going to...I don't really care though I am used to guys liking me it's totally fine he will get over me in like a millisecond."

'_Where were they going? Why didn't he look at me...I wanted him to look at me!' _None of this of course could be said to Summer.

"You want to follow them don't you, Marissa?" Summer eyed her friend, wanting to go just as bad as she did.


	10. CLUB NEWPORT BEACH

A/N::Hey people lets keep the comments somewhat positive I am not the best writer okay? I know that just that kind of hurt my feelings...but rejection is part of the writting process. Thanks for all the posts makes me feel special...anyway on with the story, sorry for the late update i will try to update more often...just my Junior year is really hard! LOVE AND DARK AFFECTION, **CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN** Lala456 is awesome

* * *

AT A NEWPORT CLUB

Seth stood far back in a corner clutching his hands to his stomach. Ryan sat sipping on his Jack Daniels.

'_Why when there are so many beautiful girls here, am I still thinking about...her? It would be way more fun dancing with her than some random chick.' _Ryan sighed and looked back at Seth up in a corner clutching himself.

Ryan made his way over to his friend and put a hand on his shoulder.

"HANDS OFF!" Seth yelled without realizing it was just Ryan.

"Whoa, calm down." Ryan laughed.

"Man, can we please just leave?" Seth gave him puppy dog eyes and started to whine. "Please?"

"Yeah man, I want to leave just as bad as you do." Ryan searched around the club for a big EXIT sign.

"Dude, is that...oh man that's Summer!" Seth screamed, "I gatta go...I mean what do I do?"

"Go say hi." Ryan pushed his friend out onto the dance floor.

"Hey, Summer."

"Who are you?" Summer stopped dancing with the DJ and looked at Seth.

"Seth..." he pointed at himself, "Seth Cohen."

"Listen, Andy..."

"That's Seth."

"Whatever, listen I am not interested okay?" Summer smacked her gum and blew a bubble. "You're still standing here...." Summer pointed him the way out of her line of view, "that way."

"Right." Seth snapped and turned on his heels; Ryan was in the same spot as before.

"How'd it go?" Ryan slapped him on the shoulder.

"Well lets see, she thinks my name is Andy, and she isn't interested." Seth started to count all the things she said, "Yeah that's all."

"Come on man she has to be interested I mean doesn't she know your boat is named after her?"

"Dude, shh!" Seth put his hand over Ryan's mouth.

"Sefth..." Ryan muttered, and Seth quickly removed his hand, "don't ever do that again."

"Right, no touchy, got it." Seth tapped his temple as to show Ryan that it got through.

"Seth, look." Ryan pointed to a girl standing in the corner starring at Seth, "Go over there man, she is totally into you."

Seth smiled broadly and made his way over to her.

"Hi, I'm Seth." Seth was somehow not intimidated at all by this girl.

"Anna."

'_Simply stated, I like it.' _Seth thought.

"You want to dance?" He held out his arms to her.

"Yeah, sure."

Ryan watched them getting onto the dance floor and saw Summer eyeing the two. He laughed and sat on the closest bar stool. He sipped his drink, and thought about her again, even when a beautiful red headed girl was batting her eyes at him from the end of the bar.

"Hey." Ryan mouthed.

'_She is beautiful...but Marissa has something this girl doesn't.'_

The red headed girl made her way to the seat next to Ryan.

"Hi, I'm Hillary." She shook his hand.

"Ryan." He said as he sipped up some alcohol.

"You live around here."

Ryan thought a moment, "I call Chino home actually." The moment it came out of his mouth he wanted to take it back.

"Same." She smiled.

Ryan smirked, "Cool."

"Do you want to dance, Ryan?" Hillary asked knowing full well he wasn't that into her.

"I can't dance." Ryan looked over to Seth who was still dancing with the hot short blonde head.

"Come on, a Chino guy can't take one dance with a Chino girl?" Hillary looked to where Ryan's eyes where fixed, "You gay?"

Ryan spit out half of his drink, "No, that's a friend of mine; he is here to get over someone his liked for years."

Hillary grabbed Ryan's rough hand and pulled him onto the dance floor.

"One dance," She said as she pulled Ryan closer.

"One dance," Ryan smiled.

"Sum! Sum!" Marissa yelled.

Summer turned to her friend. "What Coop?"

"Ryan is dancing with that girl." Marissa pointed.

"So?" Summer had no clue what was going on.

"Sum..." Marissa began to explain then figured out it would be useless, "never mind." She crossed her arms over her chest, and walked over to the bar. "A vodka on the rocks, please."

"ID?" The bartender asked.

Marissa raised her eyebrows.

"Got it, one vodka on the rocks."

The bartender slipped it over to her and winked at her.

'_Sick.' _

Marissa drank it all in one quick movement, and slammed it back on the bar. "Again!"

Hillary and Ryan had a great time on the dance floor, and Ryan wasn't that bad at dancing once he got the beat.

Seth and Anna were making out in the corner; Ryan was proud Seth finally found his inner man.

Marissa drank until she could barely see and grabbed Summer, pulled her outside the club. She demanded to be taken home and not called until noon-ish the next day.


	11. New Medicines

A/N What's up guys thanks for reviewing it means a lot to me and keeps me motivated. I will promise you more R/M, S/A, S/S moments in the next chapters I just cant jump right into that at the point that the characters are in at this point...Tell me guys did you like Hillary should she show up again? I just felt like writing in some fun for Ryan because he needed one fun night. But should I bring her back?? REVIEW!!! Love YALL', CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

THE NEXT DAY

Ryan woke up to the sound of Seth singing along to Dead Poetic's "New Medicines"

'**_These are the words that tear you apart._**

_**And these are the words that take you away.**_

_**And these are just words they'll tear you apart.**_

_**When no one here will say what needs to say.**_

_**New medicines should ease this pain.**_

_**They're the only ailment for it.**_

_**It's this air and time that's bringing me home again.**_

_**A lame attempt at playing the part again now.**_

_**In a place you don't know.**_

_**And this stance as sturdy as leaves in a storm.**_

_**The premise and motive fueling blank faces.**_

_**The fool in a place you don't know.**_

_**In this place, you don't**_

_**New medicines should ease this pain.**_

_**They're the only ailment for it. All over again.**_

_**These are the words that tore me apart.**_

_**And these are the words that'll take me away.**_

**_I'm not in the business of faking to please vain opposers._**

_**A dead legion of new, cloned followers.**_

_**You're cornered in a place you don't know.**_

_**In this world, you don't.**_

_**New medicines should ease this pain.**_

**_They're the only ailment for it. All over again.'_**

"Morning, Seth." Ryan groaned.

Seth shivered thinking Ryan was sound asleep, "Sorry dude...I like this song."

"Obviously," Ryan turned on his side so he was facing Seth.

"You have a good time last night?" Seth asked.

"Yeah definitely had a good time man...dude how did we get home?" Ryan laughed as he sat up in bed.

"Anna took us both home...dude you were wasted out of your mind."

"Did I do anything? I mean like with that girl?"

"No you just danced with her." Seth scratched his now five o' clock shadowed chin.

"What time is it?" Ryan slipped on a new pair of sneakers, converses his favorite.

"It's like one o' clock."

"Shit."

"You have somewhere to go?" Seth laughed.

Ryan settled back down, "nah man just not used to sleeping in like that is all."

"School tomorrow you excited?"

"Why would I be its school?" Ryan questioned.

"Water Polo players...peeing in your shoes...man it is the best." Seth commented sarcastically.

"Sick."

"You're telling me try putting your foot in it." Seth stuck his tongue.

Ryan made his way to his drawers and pulled out an old wrestling shirt, slipped it on and look at Seth.

"What?"

"I didn't know you wrestled...I mean I know you used guns or whatever but wrestling?"

"It's my brother, Trey's." Ryan took in the sent of Chino.

"Ah, I see."

AT THE ROBERT'S HOUSE

"Marissa, get the hell off of the couch!" Summer screeched.

"What?" Marissa breathed into her friends face, and Summer wrinkled her face at the smell.

"God Coop lay off the Vodka."

Marissa just turned her back and let her nose bend into the couch.

"Marissa, you have to get up."

"Mmmffttttlaa."

"What?"

"Mmmfftttlaa."

"What the hell?" She turned her friend back towards her.

"My dad where is he?"

'_How can Coop still be alive when she drinks like this?' _

"He knows you're here but we need to clean the house my step-mom is coming home from her plastic surgery operation."

Every other month Summer's step-mom would get something done, tummy tuck, lip implants, fat removed, and chin replacements...it was a monthly routine.

"Okay." Marissa said as she turned over.

"Coop, NOW!"

Summer began dusting everything with her Swiffer.

"Okay." Marissa stood up and quickly fell.

Summer grabbed her friend and took her into the master bathroom that no one used. She threw on the cold water and put her friend, clothes and all, under the waterfall of a shower.

"AHHHHHH!!!" Marissa yelped.

"Come on Marissa get cleaned up, you look like shit."

Summer was sick of taking care of her friend always being drunk off her ass. Why couldn't Marissa find someone else to take care of her when she gets like that? Summer threw clothes into the cracked door to the bathroom as the shower continued pouring on a cold, wet, wasted, and depressed Marissa.

'_God, how much longer will I allow myself to live like this? How much longer until I drive and kill myself or someone else? How much longer until I hurt someone I love while I am drunk? I am a miserable person.' _Marissa sat under the water and put her hands on her head and held them there. Her sleeves began to slip and her scars appeared. Marissa put her finger over them and washed off the dry blood. She took out the shaver in the shower and cut a new line, but this time on her thigh and a little deeper than she was used to doing with a shaver.


	12. Back To When You Smiled, Baby

A/N:: Whats up all? Sorry a long time no write...been busy with my school play I was "SMEE" in Peter Pan. Anywho, here is the 12th chapter...Its long so be proud....Tell me what you think honestly!! I did thank everyone of my newer reviewers but it got erased sorry i will next time...my computer SUCKS!!Anyway thank you for the kind reveiws I have read them all!! I appreciate every viewer so much its like you are my little audience which you kind of are, and all i am here to do is please that audience...SO ON WITHWRITTING!! (More SA, SS in the next chapter, promise.)

**::Disclaimer::** The O.C. isn't mine, and neither is the song featured in this chapter: "Dimmer Lights" - Dead Poetic-

THE NEXT DAY AT THE COHEN POOL HOUSE

Ryan was sitting on his bed thinking of what he was going to do today when the phone rang.

'_Who calls the pool house?' _

"Hello?" Ryan asked through the phone.

"Hey..." the voice cracked.

"Who is this?"

"This is Hillary, from the other night."

Ryan's face turned red, "oh I forgot I gave you this number."

"It's cool...so what are you doing right now?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah right now," she laughed.

"Sitting here," Ryan looked around, "yeah that's pretty much it."

"Do you want to hang out?" She was nervous, her voice was shaking.

"Sure...I gatta get cleaned up first. Meet me at the pier?"

"Sure, around four?"

"Yeah," Ryan glanced at his clock, two o' three.

"Okay, see you then."

'_She's hot, Ryan...Marissa's hotter but screw her, and her mind games. Hillary likes you, and she can dance,' _he thought as he got into the shower.

AT THE PIER

"Sum, come on talk to me!" Marissa grabbed her friends arm and turned her around.

"Listen Coop, I am sick of being your mother! You need more help than from a sixteen year old girl. I can't stop you from drinking, and I thought I could but it's impossible. You are impossible!" Summer screamed.

"Sum, please." Marissa was and had been in deep tears since Summer's razor cut her thigh.

"Marissa, get the hell away from me!" Summer was sick of always having to quote "save" Marissa.

"Sum, please, stop." Summer kept walking into nothingness, just where Marissa felt she was; nothing, no where.

Ryan meet Hillary at the Crab Shack and they walked out onto the pier. Ryan hadn't said much, which wasn't new, and Hillary just talked about how she got from Chino to Orange County. Her story wasn't nearly as interesting as Ryan's.

"So, yeah my dad left when I was a kid, and called me when I was ten. He asked me to move out here to live with him, and I needed to get out of Chino." Hillary tried to grab Ryan's hand but he put the one hanging by her on the railing.

"Is something wrong Ryan?"

"Huh?" Ryan snapped back to reality.

"Nah, I was just thinking, that's all."

"About what?" Hillary leaned into his body, he didn't move this time.

"Ah, nothing really," Ryan looked back toward the Crab Shack eyes squinted, and he turned back to face Hillary.

"You can tell me." Hillary grabbed hold of his hand.

'_Damn it what's wrong with me? I am with this beautiful girl and all I can think about is that whore.' _Ryan really didn't think Marissa was a whore he just wanted to put her down in his thoughts.

"Just about Chino," Ryan lied.

'_I can't tell this girl I was thinking about another one.'_

Ryan gave a slight smile, he was still thinking about Marissa.

"You want to go do something else?" Hillary gripped his hand a little tighter.

Marissa walked down past the Crab Shack and saw the same girl from the club holding Ryan's hand. _'Huh, he looks miserable.' _A big grin came on her face, she was going to do what she had wanted to a long time ago.

Ryan was about to leave the pier with Hillary, when he saw Marissa walking toward him with a grin on her face. He smiled a little bit, her smile was crooked he loved that. Hillary thought he was smiling at her and she smiled back, with a perfectly straight smile, and she leaned in to kiss him.

Marissa stopped mid-step when she saw "that whore" lean into Ryan. Now she had to hurry and not walk like a model. She got their just as their lips touched. She turned to leave thinking he was into Hillary's kiss.

Ryan felt someone's lips on his. He kissed back but opened his eyes to see Marissa leaving. _'This isn't right...she isn't Marissa.' _He pulled out of the kiss and went after the girl he had wanted this whole time.

Marissa was halfway past the Crab Shack when hands turned her by the shoulders.

"Marissa." Ryan whispered; he didn't know where this soft voice came from.

Marissa had been crying; he wasn't going to ask what was wrong he knew her crying was his fault; Ryan wiped the black mascara out from under her eye with his thumb.

"I'm sorry, I was stupid." Marissa looked down and pulled away a little.

"No," Ryan held her closer, "you're not stupid..."

"Yes, I was, I let you go."

"I never left, Marissa," Ryan put his hands back on her face and held them there, "never."

"**There's a dimmer light in this room tonight.**

**And you'll be the last one to know when it's off.**

**So with this dimmer light in my room tonight, **

**I wonder if we're gonna make it at all."**

"But you're with her now." Marissa cried into his hands, putting her hand atop his. Ryan let go of her face and put his arms around her waist.

"No, I'm with you now." Ryan smiled, he was glad he came after her a second time.

Marissa smiled back, and dropped her hands and put them over his shoulders.

"**And there's a brighter sky to this dreadful night.**

**And you and me are the first to watch it fade.**

**So with this brighter sky from my room tonight,**

**I feel, down here, a little more betrayed.**

**How do I get back to where I was, when you were smiling?**

**You were smiling."**

Her forehead met his. Ryan pulled her even closer, "I'm sorry I even thought about leaving." He put his lips with hers and kissed her with built up passion, he had held onto for several days. She pulled away.

"I'm just glad you came back." She smiled and pulled back into the kiss.

"**You were smiling baby. Now there's a time to die under this heartless sky.We'll bid farewell without an ear to hear me, a time to die, and not put up a fight. Cause no one ever wanted to end this early. How do I get back to where I was, when you were smiling? You were smiling, you were smiling baby. So there's that bright light, the one that leaded me here, the one that's screaming to be noticed, the one responsible for all of this. So I'll take this other road, after I get up from my knees, because I'm sick of being lied to. And I'm afraid of where the other one leads."**

Hillary stood at the end of the pier watching the scene unfold, and she felt like a total piece of shit. Ryan had been kissing her two seconds ago now he was on another girl._ 'What a jackass.' _Hillary walked slowly back down to her house and bumped into this thing that felt like a pole when she slammed into it. _'What a klutz.' _

"Watch where you're going, Jackass."

"Sorry." Strong arms moved her out of the way.

"Oh wow." Hillary examined the body in front of her.

"You ganna move," the body asked.

"My...my name is Hillary."

"Luke...nice to meet you now if you'd let me by."

"Luke, Luke Ward?"

"Yeah?"

"You play water polo?"

"Captain at Harbor, why?"

"Oh my god, my brother is Phillip Kline,'' Hillary explained.

"Oh yeah, lil' Hill, I remember you."

Hillary huffed, "well, I am not little now."

Luke grinned he knew where she was going with this, "you wanna grab some food?"

"Love to." Hillary walked past Marissa 'n Ryan mid-make out when Luke flipped.

"CHINO?" Luke pulled Ryan off Marissa.

"Luke?" Marissa was scared, and thoroughly confused hadn't she broken up with Luke?

"What are you doing with my girlfriend?"

Ryan pulled out of Luke's grab, "she isn't your girlfriend."

Luke pulled back to punch him when Marissa yelled, "LUKE I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! STOP IT!" Luke stopped realizing she did brake up with him.

"He isn't your type 'Rissa." Luke coughed.

"Oh yeah Luke, what is her type then, tall and a jackass?"

Hillary stood there in amazement, how the hell did she end up meeting this random chick's ex?

Orange County is huge and she met this guy. How screwed up was this?

"Luke, Ryan calm down," Hillary barely knew theses guys but she had the guts, and smarts to stop it, "Luke let's go eat."

Luke thought _'FOOD,'_ and instantly forgot about the fight. Both Hillary and Marissa gave a knowing nod and each turned back to the guy they were with. Luke pulled Hillary into The Crab Shack, and Ryan pulled Marissa towards him.

"I'm sorry."

"About what," Marissa asked laughing.

Ryan kissed her again, never wanting it to end, but eventually it had to end. Ryan knew full-well that the relationship would be tough, but he was more than willing to give it a try.


	13. I'm Not Leaving You

A/N: Guys sorry I said Harbor's first day was this day but I met Registration...sorry...anyway my reviewers::

**_Newportbabe44:_** Hey whats up! I love all your stories and i am proud to have you reading mine!! Yay I love you!! lol I'm glad you like it means a lot coming from a fellow writter.("Cheaters in Love" is the best story ever....it's newportbabe44's story, andit kicks my story's ass READ IT)

_**BrSoccerChic89:**_ Thanks! Glad you enjoy it, you are one of the reasons I continue, your comments are so nice and make me feel like this: :-)

_**Juzadream:**_ YAY someone gets my humor!! I love ya' thanks for reading...leave some requests and i will be happy to accomodate. (your comment was one of my favs: "This is the best fan fic ever")

_**Elisabeth-**_ Glad you like it thats so sweet that you are waiting for me to update.

Anyone I missed, thank you so much for reviewing **I LOVE YOU ALL, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN**

**::Disclaimer::** Song is Graham Colton's "Don't Give Up On Me."

On we go:

AT THE COHEN HOUSE....SAME DAY

Seth sat on the couch wondering why Ryan had skipped out on registration, it really didn't matter if Ryan went or not...just Seth was kind of worried. Suddenly Seth's pocket was vibrating...

"Hello?"

"Hey man, sorry about not being there for registration I meant to be back at two but something...err someone came up." Ryan stated through the phone.

"Oh man, you and Hillary hook up?"

"Nah...she's with Luke. I'm hanging out with Marissa..."

There was a long pause; Seth didn't know if he was supposed to be happy, sad, angry, or all of the above.

"That's great man." He decided on happy.

"Yeah...you got me signed up right?"

"Yeah, my dad did it...when you comin' home?"

"I'm on my way back, going to drop Marissa off at her house."

"Nice dude, being a gentleman."

Ryan just laughed, "Yeah, later."

Seth flipped the phone closed and relaxed a little.

'_Now that Ryan's got Marissa he isn't ever going to leave me...I'll neverbe a loser again.' _Despite what everyone thought, Seth was a deep guy. He wasn't all jokes and sarcasm, inside he was just like any other teenager just a littler darker than most. Laughing, joking, wise cracking; they were just ways of coping. He wanted more than anything to just get the anger out, vent to someone. Ryan would take it the wrong way if he talked to him, because Seth had it better all his life in Ryan's eyes. Summer didn't even know he existed, and Anna, well he just met her. Why was it always so hard to just lay everything out there?

Seth closed his eyes and took in a deep breath...'_Everything's ganna be alright.' _Seth was having a panic attack for the first time in a couple years...they never were a problem since he was never in a real social situation. They lasted just a couple minutes...just a couple that Seth wished he could escape in sometimes.

His cell rang again.

"Hello?"

"Cohen?"

"Who is this?"

"Umm...never mind..."

CLICK

Seth stood up to keep himself calm under the panic attack..._'How many normal kids have theses dumb ass things?' _

Then his cell rang again, same number as before.

"Hello?"

"Is this Cohen?"

"Seth, yeah," Seth had never had anyone call him purely "Cohen" before, but strangely he liked being called just "Cohen."

"Can I ask who this is now, or will you hang up again?"

"Summer," she said rapidly hoping he wouldn't hear her name.

"Summer Roberts?"

"Umm...yeah Summer Roberts."

"What are you doing calling me?"

"I...don't really know actually."

"Care to tell me how you even got my number?"

"Coop...I mean Marissa."

"So you got to have a reason to call me, we aren't exactly pals."

'_Fuck, I just said "pals" to Summer Roberts."_

Summer laughed, "Pals?"

"Yeah," this was pure agony for Seth.

"I kind of wanted to see if you wanted to hang out."

"With me?"

"Yeah, jackass with you."

Seth nervously laughed, "Why?"

"God if its ganna be a problem forget it." Summer grinned knowing he was almost pissing his pants right now.

'_I'm about to piss my pants...Summer wants to hang out with me. Wait, is this a joke? Like Truth or Dare and she got dared to call me and make me wet myself? Nah, it isn't middle school anymore.'_

"Wait," Seth needed to stall, "you want to meet me at the pier in like a couple hours...I have to wait till' Ryan gets back."

"Whatever..." Summer hung up, knowing full well he was about to scream.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Seth screamed as he threw the phone on the couch.

Seth started celebrating, by dancing his "victory dance." Just as he was about to bust the robot Ryan stepped in the living room.

"Hot." Ryan laughed.

"Hey...Ryan...buddy." Seth walked casually over to his friend and slapped him on the back.

"What's going on? You win the lottery?"

"Nah, man better, Summer wants to go out with me on an actual date tonight."

"Huh?"

"What I thought too. She just called, twice." Seth smiled ear to ear.

"Why, man no offense but why?" Ryan took the Land Rover keys out of his pocket and tossed them on the side-table.

"I don't know," Seth sat down realizing it still could be a joke, "I have liked her since the second grade when she read a poem about squirrels."

"Squirrels," Ryan laughed.

"Yeah, squirrels, don't diss 'em man they rock...tryin' to figure out what I'm ganna do."

"You could, oh I dunno say no."

"What?" Seth asked amazed and slightly pissed. His ears turned red but his face was still pale.

"Say no," Ryan explained, "be unattainable."

"Will that work?"

"I would think so, I mean I dated some girls, and they all talked about how they love the chase."

"The chase?"

"Yeah, having to go out of their way to get the guy," Ryan put his socked feet on the table and leaned back, at home.

"Oh," Seth sighed, "guess I better call her tell her I am being unattainable."

"No, you don't tell her that! Tell her you got plans that just came up."

"Then she'll think I found something more important to do."

"Exactly," Ryan smiled, though if it were Marissa who called him Ryan would be out with her in a heart beat but he only wanted the best for Seth.

"Hello? Summer?"

"Yeah," the other end shot back.

"This is Seth...I can't go anywhere with you tonight I got," Seth looked at Ryan, who nodded, "other plans."

"Really?" Summer asked suspiciously.

"Yeah," Seth covered his phone, and whispered to Ryan, "What do I tell her I'm doing?"

"Going out with Anna," Ryan whispered back.

"Alright," Summer choked out.

"I'm kind of going out with Anna."

"Pittsburgh, Eww random."

"Alright then, I better get going...Bye."

"Whatever." Summer hung up first.

"Well, that went well casa nova!"

"Come on, Seth I just want you to be happy, and Summer just makes you miserable."

"Happy and miserable, Ryan, happy and miserable," Seth mumbled as he walked out and up the stairs.

"DRAMA QUEEN!!" Ryan shouted after him.

AT SCHOOL ON MONDAY

The stairs up to the first building of Harbor were stepper than any in Chino. Ryan was out of breath when he made it up the last stair.

"Lord." Ryan looked to Seth.

"Welcome to Harbor Hell."

Ryan laughed and waved goodbye to Seth, as they headed to homeroom.

Seth walked into Mrs. Daniel's class and saw Summer sitting in her (and his) favorite Hollister "Encinitas Destroyed Denim Mini", and a tight tee that had "I may not be perfect but parts of me are pretty awesome," down on side of the shirt.

'_Damn right,' _Seth thought as he took the seat adjacent to her.

Right when he sat down Anna walked in, holding some new guys hand.

"Seth, this is Greg."

"Greg." Seth nodded.

'_I hate new kids.'_

Anna and Greg walked past Summer, and of course Greg checked her out. Summer groaned in disgust but saw Seth looking thus she winked at Greg. This action made Seth move...to the seat next to Summer, but just to watch so Greg doesn't get her...at least that's what he told himself.

"Hey Summer."

"Andrew."

"It's Seth, and you know that."

"You think?" Summer turned and glared then looked straight forward.

"You know I wanted to hang out with you the other day, it's just you know, Ryan told me to play unattainable, but I am really, really attainable."

"Whatever, just don't drool on me." Summer smirked.

Seth smiled, "would you really mind if I did?"

Seth was getting brave. He leaned closer, but Summer used her free manicured hand and placed it on his chest pushing him back.

"No chance Cohen."

"See, I knew you knew my name."

Summer smirked, but it didn't last long enough for Seth to see.

"Summer, will you grace me with your presence at lunch?"

"Hell does that mean?" Summer was confused how does she "grace someone with her presence"?

Seth laughed, "It means will you eat lunch with me?"

"I guess, I mean I want to sit with Coop and she will be all over Chino so..."

Seth smiled, ear to ear, "glad to hear it Summer." He leaned in his chair, confidently.

Ryan was in homeroom when he saw Marissa walk past the open door.

"Can I go to the nurse please?" Ryan clutched his stomach; he had gotten good at faking illnesses back in Chino.

"Yes Mr. Atwood." The teacher said handing him a pass.

Ryan walked out of the room and scanned the hall for Marissa; she was standing leaning on her locker, eyes closed. Ryan walked up slowly and put his arms around her waist.

She opened her eyes and put her arms around his shoulders, "Hey."

"You okay?" Ryan moved his hands from her waist and into her hands.

"Yeah, why," Marissa asked.

"Just you look a little upset."

"Well, I'm not now," She always avoided the hurt and pain in her life but she wanted this to be different. "Ryan...I...I am not okay, and I don't think I ever have been."

Ryan was shocked by the honesty, "Its okay Marissa," she put her head on his shoulder and he smoothed her hair. "Everything will be okay...I'm here now...," Ryan finished; Marissa lifted her head and looked into his deep sapphire eyes.

"Marissa, you can tell me anything you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know that." That was the first time Marissa knew something for sure, knew this truth wouldn't fade.

Ryan leaned down and kissed forehead, he used to love when his mom did that, it was comforting; well when she didn't kiss him with alcohol on her breath. Marissa kissed his lips hard, biting on the bottom lip lightly. Ryan smiled in the kiss he loved when she bit his lip, a good pain.

"**Don't give up on me tonight we've come this far we made good time and all the light of the world is somewhere else. We drove all night is this old car, the morning light, the faded stars, and everyday I find I'm someone else. Everyday I get closer to myself."**

Ryan let her linger closer, as if it was possible, just to feel her breath on his lips. They didn't have to be touching to feel as one. Ryan knew she was it, that only she made him feel like jumping off a bridge if it met she lived one more day, even if it was without him.

"**The more I make it better, the more I find I don't know. You can ride it to wherever, go as far as you can see, but don't give up on me don't give up on me. You can drive it to wherever, do whatever makes you free. Don't give up on me (x2). Got around and shot of course and what I found was here before, and all the time was time, that I just spent, and everyday I get closer to myself, and the more I make it better, the more I find I don't know." **

Seth sat in his class staring at Summer, just feeling her body heat was enough to sustain him at least until lunch.


	14. Distant Love

A/N: I am updating as fast as my little hands will type...and I have to make sure its good...I don't think this chapter is as good as my previous ones but it's a set up chapter for things to come...No songs in this one though, I will try to put them in every chapter I love music! Anyway reviewers::

**BrSoccerChic89:** One of my favorite reviewers...YAY I am glad you came back to read some more...glad you like the S/S humor I love writing it!

**Welcometotheoc**: Yeah the R/M scene was confusing I thought so too but I think it works because their whole relationship is confusing...and YAY finals are over for you that's awesome.

**i-luv-the-oc-and-smallvil:** Thank ya', thrilled to see a new reviewer that's tight. I like new comers...new points of view...hope you keep enjoying.

**Newportbabe44**: Thank you...yeah I like S/S (to an extent I am more of a R/M fan) but I love Summer she is my favorite character to write so she and Seth will be minor roles and I will put Kirsten and Sandy, Jimmy Hailey and Julie in eventually I am trying to get their characters.

**ocRM4eva:** Thank you thank you. tips imaginary hat for ocRM4eva Such lovely words...thanks ecstatic that you are likin' it!

**ON WITH THE SHOW....LOVE Y'ALL, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN**

LUNCH TIME KIDDOS!!

Ryan stood in line behind some water polo player and turned to talk to Seth behind him.

"How was your day?" Seth asked, but the smile on his face meant he would rather tell than listen.

"Go ahead, talk." Ryan grumbled.

"Summer is eating lunch with us." Seth grinned, didn't even move when the line did until Ryan snapped him back.

"SETH MOVE!"

"Dude, I can't stop thinking about her."

"Know what you mean."

"You think about Summer?"

Ryan laughed disbelievingly, "No, man Marissa."

"What about her?" Seth smiled but pulled it back when Ryan glared at him, "joking god!"

Ryan got up to the front of the line, "Hamburger please."

The lunch lady didn't look like she gave a shit what he wanted, "Meatloaf."

"No, no H-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r." Ryan didn't know if she could spell but it was worth a shot.

"Meatloaf," she repeated in a monotone. She slapped the meatloaf on his plate and scratched herself with the spatula.

"Alright," Ryan muttered to himself.

Seth took forever but when he came out he had a hamburger.

"How the hell..."

"I know how to do it."

"Seth, get me one."

"You must be taught."

Ryan laughed and walked with Seth over to the girls table. Ryan set his tray down next to Marissa's hamburger tray.

"Ha, meatloaf?" She looked up to see Ryan's un-amused face.

"Yeah, meatloaf...I'm ganna get somethin' from the machines...be right back."

Seth leaned over to Summer, "he's just pissed that I can get a hamburger out of the lunch lady and he can't."

"Cohen, please all you did was slip her a twenty. We all know that."

Seth ducked his hand into his hamburger and stuffed himself, "so?"

Ryan returned and took the seat next to Marissa.

"What's going on?" Ryan asked sensing the tension.

"Summer just totally shot me down." Seth retorted.

"And how is that different than every other day?" Summer turned and gave a "Yeah-that's-right-I-said-it" look.

Ryan looked over to Marissa who was gazing off into nothingness.

"You okay," he whispered.

She turned giving him a half-there smile, "fine."

Ryan slipped his hand into hers under the table and squeezed it.

Marissa just keep her eyes fixed on the air in front of her, she couldn't focus after what she had heard that morning.

Summer and Seth bickered for most of the lunch hour; Ryan just sat eating his Snickers, while Marissa kept her distance from everyone.

Seth got up to go to Chemistry, "Summer may I walk you to class?"

"I can walk myself, Cohen."

"Good than you can walk me too."

Seth almost skipped after Summer. Ryan put his tray on the trash can, untouched meatloaf and all, and looked around for Marissa.

"Marissa, you sure you're ok?"

Marissa's eyes were packed with tears, "fine."

Ryan motioned for her to follow him into a near by unoccupied classroom.

"Now tell me what's going on," Ryan demanded as he shut the door behind her.

"Nothing Ryan I'm fine really."

"No, you aren't you wouldn't cry if you were fine." Ryan was getting angry, she had told him she would tell him everything.

"IT'S NOTHING." Marissa yelled, and cried at the same time.

Ryan took her close to him and held her to his chest.

"You can tell me, 'rissa."

Marissa pulled away, "I can't tell you this." She turned her back on him.

"Fine," Ryan stormed out. The door slammed behind shut so hard he thought he heard glass braking.

Marissa sat on the ground, her back on the cold, freshly painted wall. _'I should have just told him. Fucking idiot.'_ Regardless of what everyone thought, Marissa hated the life she led. Marissa wasn't that perfect, beautiful, straight A student, who was happy all the time. In reality Marissa was this cold hearted, completely imperfect, insecure little girl, thrown into a life that was crushing her angelic body. Had she been nurtured when she was younger, she might be a smoother soul person, but no such nurturing happened. Jimmy was always busy with his work and with holding the family together. Julie had always been the one pushing Marissa into things no girl her age should have been doing. Ryan was the first person in her life to stop and ask how she was, and she let him leave angry with her.

The thing she hid from Ryan was so little, so minuet, and compared to the love he gave her was nothing she should have hidden from him.

That morning Marissa had received a note from Holly, one of her best friends before the whole Luke thing (they had been on better terms).

_**Rissa**_

**_Hey girlie! So you want to go to Channel and check out the new line. BUT...wait that's right your daddy's poor. ï _**


	15. The Clincher

**A/N: **Thank you for reviewing, I don't know if I will be able to write over Turkey Day break (yes I know I am a dork) but I will try my best. I have two papers to write but I find expressing myself a better source of time...so...I will be writing though I think I am a relatively fast "updater". I am done ranting thanks for the reviews I will comment on them next time around. I love you all!!

LOVE, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

**DISCLAIMER:** The song is **Chevelle**'s _"The Clincher."_ One of my favorite bands and songs....Blue October will fit its way in here they are my favorite by far.

THAT NIGHT

"Ryan!" Sandy yelled from the kitchen.

"In here Mr. Cohen." Ryan sat on the couch wanting it to be seven already, that's when Marissa said she would be over.

"Ryan...Kirsten brought something to my attention the other day," Ryan just eyeballed the huge talking eyebrows, "I understand that you are Marissa are...dating?"

"Yeah, kind of," Ryan shyly answered.

"Well, Kirsten and I didn't know if you had...gotten the umm talk from your mother so," Ryan squirmed, he had already had sex more than he could count, not that he was proud of it...it just had happened.

"Well, that was enough for tonight." Sandy coughed; he was way to uncomfortable right now.

'_I'll talk to him about when I feel ready,' _Sandy thought.

Ryan laughed, "Okay Mr. Cohen."

"You can call me Sandy....or dad if you want."

"Okay, Sandy."

Sandy pouted, he was use to complete ignorance, or total affection, and Ryan lay right in the middle.

"Did you talk to him?" Kirsten asked as Sandy entered the kitchen.

"Umm...sort of."

"How can you sort of have a sex talk?"

"A WHAT?" Seth screamed when he heard the word 'sex'.

Kirsten fumbled with the words, "for Ryan...an s-e-x talk for Ryan."

"Hey, Mrs. Cohen I can spell." Ryan overheard the drawn out spelling.

Seth laughed mocking his mom," You really think Ryan needs an s-e-x talk?"

Kirsten blushed," Go away Seth."

"Ouch mom," Seth did his puppy dog look then grinned and went to sit by Ryan.

"What are your plans tonight Ryster?"

Ryan glared at him," don't ever call me that again."

"Point taken," Seth rubbed his dark brown eyes, "so man what are you doin' tonight? Apparently Marissa from what I hear," Seth broke into hysterics.

"Seth." He wasn't responding so Ryan hit him in the shoulder with as much force as he thought Seth could take.

"Owww," Seth squealed.

"Marissa is coming over so we can talk."

"Right because you two are great at talking," Seth started his fit again.

"Whatever, I better go get ready."

"Has the Sandman given you a 'buddy'?" Seth stopped, "Right too far, got it." He tapped his temple placing the moment's embarrassments in his mind.

Ryan made his way to the pool house. She hadn't been there yet; the bed didn't have her sitting on it. He threw on a softer shirt, and some better, less beat up jeans. He sat on the bed looking up at the ceiling.

'_What am I ganna say? That I don't think we should be together if there isn't trust? That I love her and it doesn't matter? That I am so attracted to her that I wouldn't ever get her out of my head?'_

Marissa stood outside the pool house with her hand on the doorknob.

'_What am I ganna say to him...Ryan, I love you too and I just didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you? No, no I got it, Ryan, I have never loved anyone the way I love you and I will tell you everything I just wasn't ready.'_

Ryan heard the door creak open, and saw her shadow of a figure. She had on a jean skirt and a tight Urban Outfitters shirt, with Buda on it, he liked it. Her hair was just thrown back, but it looked like she took a while to make it look like that. He ran a hand through his hair and made his way over to her. She turned on the lights to see him walking towards her, in a loose vintage tee and some jeans, she like what she saw.

Ryan's arm made its way around her waist, and held her tight by the small of her back.

"Sorry." He said as he pushed their lips together.

"It's okay, it's my fault." Marissa said once their lips were back to their normal place.

"No," He said as he led her over to the bed, to let her sit.

She sat on the edge of the bed grasping at the purple sheets.

"Marissa, I..." He wanted to say it so bad, but he was one of those people who couldn't say what they meant.

Marissa kissed him hard on the lips letting him know it was okay to say it.

"I love you." He said out of breath.

"I love you too, Ryan. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you want was going on."

"Can you tell me now? Or..."

"Holly, wrote a note and..." She grabbed the note out of her purse and handed it to him.

He read it slowly as to not miss one word.

"Bitch," He stated once he was finished reading.

"It's true Ryan."

"What that your dad is bankrupt or that I am a rebound?" His eyes searched hers for the answers.

"My dad," She looked down at her worn out hands.

Ryan held onto her hand, "I'm sorry...I'm sure the Cohen's can help him out."

"Ryan, my dad is moving to Seattle."

"Okay, well you can still visit him."

"I won't have to."

"What?" He scooted closer to her.

"I'm leaving with him." She said quietly.

"No," Ryan scooted even closer, "you can't just make me fall in love with you and then leave."

"I really don't have a choice," she looked at his eyes, they were so full of pain that she adjusted her sitting so she wouldn't see them.

"Marissa...I," Ryan was cut off by her lips meeting his, he kissed back wondering if she was just trying to shut him up, but he didn't mind this was a good way.

Ryan leaned her back on the bed and started intensifying the kiss; she flipped him over and straddled his waist. They were in the same position for what seemed like forever, until Ryan pushed her away.

"I can't do this knowing you're leaving me."

"I'm not leaving you Ryan, just Newport." She tried to grab his shoulders he just pulled them out of her reach by standing.

"I can't..."

"You think all I want to do is have a quick fuck and leave?" Marissa pushed herself off the bed.

"No, I didn't say that," Ryan turned toward her, "I never thought that of you."

"Sure."

"I didn't Marissa," he took her into a tight hug and then released her to hold her hands. "Just I don't think I can be in Newport without you."

"There are a ton of girls here who would gladly make sure you aren't alone," she diverted her eyes.

"I don't want the other girls Marissa, I just wanted you."

"Wanted?"

"Yeah, it's obviously not going to work now," He turned his attention to the rain falling off the roof.

Marissa turned him toward her, "it's going to work."

Ryan pined her against the door and kissed down her neck and up to her mouth never letting his lips leave her body. He grabbed at her waist and pulled her closer to him.

"You're not leaving," he said in his deepest tone.

"No," she whispered, "not now."

"**Touch I'll stand for nothing less or never stand again. These are the limits when one's buried this body's left the soul. Could we have known? Never would I, have helped to nail down. Careful of drifting off, now losing taste and touch. Turning a pale blue. Leading in the say his body's left the soul, the brain needs oxygen, and can't sneak around this bate. His catacomb has got me by the chin. This body's left the soul. Could we have known?**

**Never would I, have helped to nail down. With nothing to gain here's the clincher, this should be you Now saturate, and touch Now saturate, the earth This happened to be, never changing. Holding inside, the phobia viewed, made cold and crippled, ending it all."**

The whole night was something that can not be explained by mere words, for you can not see the feelings, the love, the heat, and passion. Ryan never stopped telling her, that he loved her, and she never stopped telling him. Though she knew she would never see him, possibly, after the night ended, because her plane left the next day.


	16. Bloody Laughter

A/N: I love this chapter!! I dunno I just got so into writing it, but watch it end up like a crappy chapter...let me know. I am sorry this story has cuss words in it and I am sorry but there is no other way to really have it angst-y without cuss words. I am soooo sorry if I offend anyone. Thanks for all the reviews!!

:Disclaimer: This chapter contains serious cutting issues and a song that is not mine but **_Senses Fail-_** **_"Ana Baker and My Obsession With Fire"._**

Dedicated to: **_Julz!!_** I love you so much and this chapter is all bowed down for you o' master of writing.. :-)

AT JOHN WAYNE AIRPORT

"Come on kiddo, you got to get a move on." Jimmy yelled back at his daughter carrying three rolling bags.

"I'm coming, there so heavy." Marissa let the bags drag on the ground not bothering with the wheels.

"Last call for First Class: Orange County to Seattle, flight number 373, Alaska Airlines."

"Here ya' go," Jimmy handed over the two tickets and looked back at Marissa, "sweetheart, come on lets go."

Marissa looked back at the John Wayne Airport, _'I should've told him I was leaving...he is ganna shit when he doesn't see me when he wakes up.' _Marissa let her eyes fill to the brim, then pulled all the tears back in, she didn't have time to cry.

AT THE POOL HOUSE

Ryan shuttered at the cold wind that blew on his worn out body, but he smiled still dreaming of the night. He turned over to try to grab at her waist, when he realized she wasn't next to him. He looked around the pool house, finding nothing but a note written in lipstick on his mirror.

"_**I had to go. Ryan, please forgive me. I love you. -Love Marissa-" **_

Ryan had never truly cried before, and he wasn't about to, she left him, and she wasn't coming back. He threw on a clean shirt and walked into the kitchen.

"Hey it's the Ry-man!" Seth screeched.

"Seth."

"Why so glum, buddy?" Seth asked as he poured his "Lucky Charms".

"Nothing man, it's all good," Ryan smiled the best he could and grabbed a bowl.

"So man, what are you doing this fine day?"

"School man, like we usually do on Tuesdays."

"Not worn out from last night?" Seth giggled like a school girl. (I never have gotten that phrase.)

"What are you talking about?" Ryan blushed.

"Oh nothing, just that you deflowered my neighbor," Seth cracked-up at himself.

"Shut up." Ryan pushed Seth's Jew-fro and made his way back to the pool house to shower and get ready for his first day without Marissa.

Marissa sat on the plane next to her dad clutching the arm rests as they took off.

"You okay, kiddo," Jimmy asked.

"Fine, just a little rattled by take-off," Marissa gave her dad a lopsided smile, "I think I'm ganna go to the bathroom."

"Okay." Jimmy added as he flipped through an US Weekly.

"Today I will be putting you in groups for this project," the English teacher announced, "Aaron, Cohen, and Green. Atwood, Cooper, and Roberts. Brown, Potter..."

Ryan was so lost in his thoughts that it didn't even register that he was paired with Summer, and the non-existent Marissa.

"So Chino, where is Coop?"

"I don't know," Ryan whispered more to himself than Summer.

"Hello Chino??"

"Seattle," He yelled a little too loudly.

"Atwood quiet down talk about your vacations later."

"Seattle?"

"Yeah, she left with her dad."

"She didn't tell me that," Summer gasped.

'_She didn't tell me either, Summer.' _

Marissa brought her backpack to her chest and searched its contents, until she found what she needed. The bathroom of the plane played tug-o-war with itself, launching Marissa into the adjacent wall several times. She grabbed at her single razor and set it out in front of her, then grabbed the Vodka she got from the first class cart.

The blade made a jagged cut from the turbulence of the plane, leaving Marissa with a deep winding cut on her wrist. The blood turned a dark purple, she waited to see it turn blue, but it just started streaming red again. She took out the mini-Vodka, took a swing and placed the rest of its contents on her wrist. She started breathing a little deeper breaths and decided to lie across the bathroom's lack of a floor. She cried a little, it was okay to cry once you cut; the salt of her tears burnt her wrist just the right amount. She thought of Ryan, her dad, her mom, Summer, Seth, and even Luke a little. She thought of how they would feel if they saw her lying bleeding onto a warm carpet. The blood covered up three of the flower patterns on the floor and Marissa laughed hysterically at the sight of her blood eating up the flowers. She touched her wrist and winced at the numbing pain that small touch caused.

Ryan sat in History looking out the window at a willow tree that was placed on campus. He noticed the limbs dropping slowly onto the wet ground. It reminded him of Marissa a little, how the tree looked strong from a distance, but when you got up close it was run over by the weather, the depression that came with fall, fighting for every breath, and fighting, clinging to life. The tree was dieing in front of his eyes, just like Marissa was, except now he isn't able to see her at all, only with his mind. He set his phone on the desk and dialed her number it didn't matter if the teacher could see him, or the trouble he would get into with the Cohens.

Marissa, half living- half dead, heard "The Valley" theme song screaming from her backpack. She grabbed it with the only strength she had within her.

"Hello?" She weakly asked.

"It's Ryan."

She smiled, then caught sight of her cut, "yes?"

"Yes??"

"What do you want?" She acted like she hated him; it was the only way either of them could move on.

"I just...well I guess because you left me without so much as a word I thought I would call."

"I did leave you with a note." She closed her eyes envisioning him in front of her.

"I know, I saw it...Marissa, I can still visit you; this isn't the end."

Marissa knew it had to be the end she had been bleeding for more than an hour, "Yes it is Ryan."

A knock came at the door.

"Go away," Marissa weakly cried.

"Kiddo, you've been in there for a long time now I was just checking on you..."

"I'm fine...Dad." It took a lot to get a whole sentence out.

"Marissa, what are you doing?" Ryan sensed the weakness in her voice.

"I...I cut again, and I think this time I hit a bigger...vain." She whispered as to keep her dad from hearing.

"Oh God," Ryan cried.

"If there is one," Marissa replied.

"Marissa get help they can emergency land...Marissa please." Ryan had run out of his class, getting a look of hatred from the teacher but Ryan thought, _'Who gives a fuck my girlfriend is killing herself, well my friend, I guess.' _

"No, I want to..."

"You want to die Marissa?" Ryan struggled to ask.

"Ye...yeah," Marissa was fully bawling now, blood covering her body; she had rolled into it every time the plane jumped.

Ryan was crying, letting the tears fall from his face to wherever they landed he wasn't watching them drop. "Marissa, don't please. Get someone I can't do anything, and I really think for once you need to save...yourself...I just want you to know now that I love you."

"I love you too," Marissa looked around for the door knob, she was too weak to stand but she could kick it. She began kicking furiously at the plastic door until it caved inward, which wasn't what she wanted. Finally someone came running to the door, some blonde flight attendant.

"Excuse me are you..." She rounded the corner seeing the blood seep under the door. "Someone HELP!"

"**I won't forget the day that **

**that I came to and **

**I started thinking that there's more **

**than just perfect prom queens and silver spoons **

**and all I ever wanted **

**was someone **

**to knock me back to **

**the bliss of ignorance **

**cause I feel like running head first into traffic **

**and so I'm here to say **

**that thoughts in bed with pain **

**I won't forget the day that **

**that I found God **

**in a kitchen knife and on my arm **

**so paint the pale white floor with **

**with my red blood**

**and tell me that this pain is **

**the pain you love **

**as I swallow the pills happiness **

**and you watch me fall like **

**New York in an earthquake **

**and so I'm here to say **

**that thoughts in bed with pain **

**I stand outside my pretty house **

**I light a match to start the fire **

**I called the cops to let 'em know **

**It's 22 Walthery Ave.**

**I thought I wanted this **

**I'm here to say **

**I said I wanted some more attention **

**I thought I wanted a story ending **

**I think the truth is I'm scared **

**I think that I'm just scared to live **

**I think that the truth is **

**I'm everything that I hate."**


	17. Clumsy Card House

**A/N:** Hey guys!! Your reviews were awesome thank you. I wrote because I was on such a high for writing that I kept going...tell me if its crap. TO the reviews:

**I-luv-the-oc-and-smallvil:** Well, you just got to read to find out if she does...

**ocRM4evr:** Hey what's up? First off thank you for calling my writing good...I really don't think it is but I get readers so I babble some more. Thanks, I took your advice I wouldn't just let Marissa leave.

**newportbabe44:** It's so cool that you like it, I admire your writing so its funny that mine makes you emotional...thank you for enjoying...YOU ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!!

**Clera: **New READER YAY!! Thanks glad you like I am keeping the chappys coming.

**Whatever:** ouch. Point taken, she isn't really whinny because its pain...so maybe she seems whinny I dunno I am ganna read over it and see if I see it, I probably will.

**::Disclaimer:: **Don't own the OC if I did I would be making out with Ben right now and I'm not so...song in this chapter is **_"Clumsy Card House" _–Blue October. **Told you that band would make its way in!

Marissa awoke in a completely pale brown room with a deathly-skinny, man sitting in a chair opposite her. She looked down to see a massive amount of gaze and tape on her wrist, almost to the point that she could not bend it. She closed her eyes again so the man would not ask her about it.

'_How did I get here? Where is here...Dad? Where's my dad? It's so cold in here; you would think Hell would be a lot warmer than this.'_

She heard the man get out of his chair, probably the first time in days, go to the door and open it.

"She's awoken Doctor."

Marissa opened her eyes and tried to pretend it was all a dream and her cutting wasn't as bad as in the movies.

"Hello, Marissa, I'm Doctor Hanes."

Marissa groaned; the tubes in her throat kept her from talking.

"Marissa, nod once if you know where you are, and why you are here."

Marissa sat completely still; the last thing she remembers is Ryan saying he loved her, and all the blood on the carpet.

"Alright, sweetheart, you are in a Seattle psychiatric hospital, West Seattle Psychiatric Hospital exactly. You were found in an airplane bathroom with a cut, five inches long, and deep enough you were close to bone...you were bleeding violently, and in complete hysterics. The flight attendant could not get you to give up the cell phone in your hand, and you sank your teeth into her shoulder when she took it out of your hand."

Marissa sat stunned she wondered, _'Does my dad know? Is he here? Does Ryan know, did someone tell Ryan?' _She clutched onto the white sheets and started to scream the best she could with tubes and wires all around her.

"Marissa, calm down." Doctor Hanes yelled, "It's alright...everything is going to be alright."

'_I am in an insane asylum so I am pretty damn sure nothing is alright at this point.' _

"Calm down, that's good." He laid his hands on her shoulders to stop her from convulsing.

He began to remove the tubes that were, since she was awake, unnecessary.

"There you go sweetheart," Hanes cooed.

"Where's my dad?"

"He is staying at a hotel a couple blocks away, we didn't know if you were going to make it so after day seven we told him to go ahead and find a place to stay instead of an empty chair by your bedside. We contacted him and he is on his way here now."

"When can I go home?"

"First we have to have a psychiatric analysis, and make sure when you get home you will be properly evaluated."

"But, I live in Seattle now."

"Your place of residence is none of my business to discuss with you."

"Okay." Marissa was creped out by this guy, and his Harvard Medical School words.

"Now Marissa, when did the cutting first begin?"

"On the plane was the first time," she lied.

"Marissa, we had to change your clothes we've seen the other scars."

"Like a month ago."

"You did a hundred and five cuts in one month?"

"I guess I didn't count them."

"The attitude needs to be left behind, got it?"

"Whatever."

"Do you drink Marissa?"

"I'm sixteen, of course I drink."

"Do you drink alone or only socially?"

"Both."

"When you drink alone is the after effect cutting?"

"If you mean is drinking what causes me to cut, then honestly...no." She decided the truth would get her out sooner.

"Marissa, can you tell me the last time you cut this deep?"

"I cut till' it turned blue once but other than that no."

"Until it turned blue?"

"Or until my mind was so diluted that the blood looked blue."

"I see."

"Am I done?"

Doctor Hanes just smiled, Marissa was no where near done with this guy.

Ryan paced around outside the hotel Jimmy was staying at waiting for him to make his way down. Ryan had flown out to Seattle, when he found out that was where she would be hospitalized, he had been there for almost five days he was sick and ready to see Marissa with her eyes open. Jimmy finally jumped the last step, and met up with Ryan placing a hand on his shoulder. Jimmy and Ryan had really bonded in the time Marissa was in the hospital asleep. One night Jimmy left and told Ryan to "watch my baby-girl."

Flashback

Ryan sat on the chair bordering the door. He was afraid to get close, he was afraid touching her hand would kill her fragile body. He watched her eyes flutter, but it was only from her coma that made her eyes roam. He walked next to the bar on her bed. He held it tight; the cold bar almost turned his hand blue. He grabbed her closest hand and put it to his face. He cried again, but this time no one was there to hear him except God, if He was listening.

"God, please don't take her away from me. I am so sorry for everything wrong I have done in my life and I am willing right now to leave my life for the return of hers." He looked at her roaming eyes. "Lord, you made something so beautiful, why take it away? You never let Mrs. Cohen's roses die, well Lord Marissa is like a rose to me." He paused hoping no one was listening to him being soft. "I love her...shouldn't you?" He set her hand back on her stomach and walked back to the chair softly praying to himself.

End of Flashback

Jimmy and Ryan stepped into the halls of West Seattle Psychiatric Hospital; they had come to know it so well. Jimmy rushed up to Doctor Hanes, who was closing Marissa's door.

"Is she awake?" Jimmy asked frantically.

"Yes...she is stable, breathing on her own, speaking, and bringing up an attitude. I just spoke with her and I think she would be better off here a couple more days, then she can go home, by the way she has no idea where home is Jimmy."

"I will talk to her about that."

"Anyway I suggest you find her a psychiatrist that could see her regularly, back in Newport."

"I already have."

"Good."

"May I go in and see her?"

"Of course...one at a time though." Doctor Hanes said eyeing Ryan.

"Jimmy, I'll wait out here, take your time."

Jimmy smiled back at Ryan and opened the door to his daughter's room.

"Hey." Jimmy said sweetly.

"Daddy," Marissa threw her arms around him refusing to brake away.

"Marissa, kiddo, I can't breathe," Jimmy laughed and sat admiring her. "You're still my little princess; I want you to know that. I am not angry with you, just saddened that you couldn't tell me."

Marissa began to cry, "I'm sorry daddy. I can't explain it."

"Oh, baby its okay," Jimmy breathed softly into her hair.

"I need help."

"And we're ganna get you that."

"We..?" Marissa asked confused.

"Me and Ryan..."

"Ryan's here?"

Jimmy laughed, "Yes why wouldn't he be?"

Marissa looked at the pale white floor, "I don't know, because I tried to kill myself."

Jimmy couldn't respond to that, it was true she tried to end her life.

"Are you ganna be okay with me dad?"

"Oh, Marissa, I don't think anything less of you...you were in pain and I wasn't there to turn to."

"No, it isn't you're fault, I don't need you blaming yourself."

"We all played a part, me, you're mother, Summer, Luke, Holly, and Ryan too. We all should have seen the pain in your eyes. We all should have helped."

"Ryan knew dad."

"He what...?" Jimmy asked angered.

"He knew, I told him and he told me to get help...and that he was there for me to talk to. It's my fault I didn't see the support he was for me."

"Are you sure? I could kick his ass right now."

"No, dad it's my fault, it's my body, my wrist, and my razor. He couldn't have stopped me."

Jimmy relaxed, "Well he's here if you want me to bring him in."

"Can you just sit by me a while, hug me?"

Jimmy sat on the bed and held her in his arms, like he did when she was little. She cried a little and let herself fall asleep.

Ryan waited outside and finally saw Jimmy come out of the room.

"She's ready to see you Mr. Atwood."

Ryan laughed, or at least tried to look like he was, and walked slowly through the door.

"Marissa?"

Nothing but silence followed him to the bed. Her eyes were shut, but a smirk was forming on her face.

"Playing possum?"

She smiled, and opened one eye, "kind of."

He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"What are you my father?" She said as she pulled him into a "real" kiss.

Ryan was the first to pull away, not because he wanted to but because a machine started beeping.

"It's been happening about every five minutes. It's the person in the room next door, these walls are paper thin."

"Marissa, how is this going to go back to normal?"

"What you mean because I cut myself, we can't be together?"

"No, I mean how are we going to make it if I cause you to do this?"

"You're definitely not the cause...I think you might be the cure." She smiled and pulled him into a kiss again.

"**By the way, by your side I'll stay**

**If that's okay, then by your side I'll stay forever**

**Here I am standing up**

**Because I want to fall in love with you**

**A sunless day**

**It was a clumsy card house rape**

**If that's okay**

**Then by your side I'll stay forever**

**Here I am standing up**

**To say I want to fall in love with you**

**Forever**

**Here I am standing up**

**To say that I want to fall in love**

**All our kids will play**

**A sunless day**

**The rain will come**

**The rain always brings our heroes**

**All our kids could play**

**A sunless day**

**The rain will come**

**The rain always brings our heroes**

**Believe in heroes**

**By the way, by your side I'll stay **

**If that's ok, than by your side I'll stay forever **

**Yeah I said forever **

**Come on..."**

Ryan left after a couple more minutes of kissing knowing that was her way of saying I love you, but we got to talk about this later. That was the plan, to talk about it when she got back from the hospital in six weeks. She told him it was Newport that was home and that her dad would find an apartment outside Newport and she would live with him, but still go to Harbor. Ryan was ready for her to come back, but Summer wasn't quite sure how to react to Marissa's news. Seth did his usually analyze it and compare it to a comic book he read once, and then forgot it even happened, except he wouldn't forget this, this was way to big to just forget and move on. Everyone in Newport was anxious about Marissa's return, especially her mom, who had married Caleb Nichol while Marissa was away. Julie just wanted to send Marissa off to an institution that could "deal with those sorts of people", but Jimmy was the road block in that path. The only question was when Marissa returned would she be the same girl she was, would she relapse, would she even come home to Newport?


	18. Be Gentle

A/N:: I am getting so stressed out with school and writing is a release so I continue to write until this story is complete crap…which it might be now I don't know. This chapter is some R/M, S/S bonding. Thank you for all the reviews I can't comment on everyone of them right now but I do appreciate every single one of them!! LOVE Y'ALL, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

(One reviewer asked how Marissa could use a cell phone on the plane: you can use a cell anytime between take off and landing.)

**::Disclaimer::** Song is **"Gentle"** by **Aqualung**. The OC isn't mine, god I wish!!

It had been almost six weeks since Marissa left, and she was coming home for a trial run, she would still be closely monitored. Ryan had been focusing on school and not on the fact that his girlfriend was in rehab. Seth and Summer spent more time together, in a way they both lost their best friends and took for second best. Though, for Seth, hanging out with Summer had more benefits than just sitting around with Ryan.

"She's coming home today right?" Seth asked, in the middle of his Balboa bar.

"Yeah," Summer finished off her Balboa bar.

"Good lord women, you eat like a man." Seth laughed, she didn't, "joke, Summer, ha, see laugher."

"It wasn't funny," Summer sat on the sand covering her thin feet in sand.

"Listen, I know its ganna be hard…"

"Shut up Cohen."

Seth swallowed what was left of his ice cream and looked at Summer, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For you having to go through this," Seth wiped his face with the back of his hand.

"I'm not the one who tried to kill herself," Summer dug her feet deeper in the sand.

Seth placed his hand atop hers," We were all hurt by it though, I mean I didn't really know her that well but I felt partially responsible."

Summer looked at his face, for the first time that day," Thanks Cohen…Seth."

Seth smiled and looked off at the waves crashing against the soft shore.

"I had fun…the time we spent together."

"Me too," Seth turned his eyes on her.

Summer scooted closer, and so did Seth.

"Don't hurt me," Summer whispered.

"Why would I?"

They kissed softly at first but Summer pushed it into a hard passionate kiss. They both pulled away slowly.

"Summer," Seth sighed.

"What?" Summer asked; their foreheads still touching.

"It's going to be okay, Marissa got help and she still will when she gets back."

This was the first time Seth said something without smirking, or laughing.

Summer faintly smiled, "I know, Cohen, I'm not stupid."

Ryan sat on his bed in the pool house ringing his hands together. He had everything planned out, Marissa was going to spend time with her dad and devil of a mother, and then Jimmy was going to bring her over to Ryan's pool house. Ryan had flowers for her on his bedside table, he was bad at romantic stuff but he knew flowers were one of those things you give to a girl. The dinner, which Kirsten offered to make, was still burning, so the fine dining take-out should be there in a couple minutes. He paced around the room, nervous that she might have changed, and not love him anymore. He had written to her every week, but she never wrote back. He sat down and put his hands in his softly waving hair. He had Kirsten cut it several weeks ago and it was still a little short on one side. He lay on the bed looking at the ceiling not wanting to think at all about what Marissa would act like, feel like, and even look like. He closed his eyes and fell asleep; in his jeans and nice dress shirt.

Seth had Summer pined on his bed; kissing her neck and back to her mouth. She let the trail of kisses make its way to her stomach. Seth lingered on her eyes, softly mouthing, "Are you sure?"

"**This is not the time to wonder why**

**Just let the heart and mind**

**Be still for just some time**

**This is the time for the rest**

**Just let it go**

**You know it's for the best**

**If you're fragile,**

**and if you're delicate**

**Take my hand but be gentle with me please**

**Let the river flow**

**Washing over me**

**for a while**

**But be gentle with me please**

**This is not the time to compromise**

**if you're feeling it too**

**Then you've realized**

**This is the time for a change**

**Yes you know it's true**

**Deep down within you**

**If you're fragile,**

**and if you're delicate**

**Take my hand but be gentle with me please**

**Let the river flow**

**Washing over me**

**for a while**

**But be gentle with me please**

**Let the river flow**

**Washing over me**

**for a while**

**But be gentle with me please (x2)**

**If you're fragile,**

**and if you're delicate**

**Take my hand but be gentle with me please**

**Let the river flow**

**Washing over me**

**for a while**

**But be gentle with me please**

**Let the river flow**

**Washing over me**

**for a while**

**But be gentle with me please**

**be gentle with me please (x3)"**

Slowly kisses started to form on the back of Ryan's neck, soft and warm. An arm draped over his waist, and soft lips kissed down his neck and nibbled his ear. He opened his eyes, but didn't move yet he just wanted to enjoy the softness of her lips on his neck. After a minute or two he turned to face her, she was startled a little but was calmed by his cold lips.

"I missed you." Ryan said between kisses.

"I missed you too."

Ryan sat her up with him sit with his lip intertwined with hers. Ryan pulled back from the kiss and picked up the flowers from his nightstand.

"Here."

The daisies were perfectly alive this time and she kissed his cheek, "thanks."

"I made sure they stayed alive this time," his heart beat a little slower remembering the pain she caused him.

"Ryan…" she couldn't help how she had acted before, that was in the past, and if she could take it back she would.

Ryan dimly smiled, "hey that's the past now."

Marissa hugged him;she had so missed his smell of Chino that light smell of water and salt, and his newly achieved smell of the Orange County surf.

"You, okay now?" Ryan asked faintly.

"Yeah, I think I might be okay." She laid her head down on his chest.

"I made dinner, well I tried, then Kirsten tried, then we just ordered out." Ryan laughed.

Ryan got up slowly, and she lay on the bed with her arms supporting her.

Seth looked over to Summer, who was sound asleep, brushed back her hair, and laid his hand on her cheek. Summer stirred a little and fluttered her eyes open, "round two, Cohen?"

Seth laughed and kissed her playfully on her bottom lip.

"I wish you noticed me more often," Seth joked.

"I'm sorry I didn't Seth…" Summer choked up a bit thinking of all the pain he must have gone through.

"The past is the past," Seth kissed her again reassuring her it was okay she was with him now.

MARISSA POV

Ryan sat across from me looking into my eyes as he ate; I really wasn't that hungry but he would only ask me why I wasn't if I didn't eat. When he finished I pretended to be full.

"You want to go out?" I asked.

"Where can we go this late at night?"

"The pier, the beach, anywhere," I said roughly.

Ryan stood and took my hand, "I guess we're walking?" I laughed.

END OF MARISSA'S POV

Seth took hold of Summer's hand and walked her down the stairs stopping when they heard familiar voices.

"Should we?"

"Go say hi at least then you can take me home."

"You don't want to see her Summer?"

Summer shrugged, "I just don't know what to say."

"Try hi for starters."

Ryan and Marissa began to walk toward the door quietly, as to not wake Sandy or Kirsten. Seth and Summer met them at the door.

"Oh god, Coop!" Summer engulfed her best friend in a tight hug.

"Summer, I missed you so much." Marissa hugged tightly back.

Seth raised his eyebrows to Ryan, and Ryan returned the gesture with a wide smile. Seth moved his eyes as to point at Summer and then smiled just as widely as Ryan had. Ryan gave a thumbs up and put his arm around Marissa's waist once Summer and her finished hugging and crying.

"Women, so god damn emotional," Seth quipped.

Summer smacked his shoulder.

"God, what do you do work out?" Seth rubbed his now burning red shoulder.

"Yoga…and kick boxing," Summer said seriously.

"Hey we were going to the beach if you guys want to come," Marissa happily interrupted.

Ryan gave her a look then realized she hadn't seen Summer in six weeks.

"Yeah," Ryan added.

"Summer, you up for it?" Seth joked.

"Shut up Cohen, yea let's go." Summer flipped her hair behind her shoulder and linked arms with Marissa.

Ryan and Seth waded back. "So man, Summer Roberts, when did that happen?"

"While you were moping over Marissa," Seth laughed.

"Shut up Cohen," Ryan said mocking Summer.

"Hey it's hot when she calls me 'Cohen'."

Ryan glared at him, "Whatever Seth."

The beach was completely deserted and the sand was so cold that the girls just sat on the dock going out to the beach. The boys walked down to the water, leaving Summer and Marissa to talk.

"Why couldn't you tell me?" Summer asked uncomfortably.

"It's complicated," Marissa diverted the conversation, "so how are you and Seth?"

"Marissa, I want to talk about it," Summer said exasperated.

"Then go," Marissa looked straight on at Summer.

"Why was it so hard to just tell me about how bad it was?" Summer had known about the little cuts but essentially nothing beyond that.

Marissa attempted to stay calm, "Because everyone would know by the end of the day."

"What are you saying?" Summer tilted her head, showing she was interested and not just tolerating the conversation.

"Holly, she found out from you about my cutting, and used it against me."

"I never told Holly," Summer said honestly.

"You and Ryan were the only people that knew."

"Evidentially not," Summer shook in the cold air and grabbed onto one of the wooden posts beside her.

"I never told anyone else," Marissa searched her mind for someone else who knew.

'_Oh God,' _Marissa thought.

Ryan and Seth walked the distance of the public beach, and turned back.

"So…" Seth hated silence, "how about them Red Socks?"

Ryan looked at him, "Sometimes I think you just like to hear yourself talk."

"True." Seth smiled.

Ryan spotted Summer and Marissa in a tight hug from a distance and knew right away Marissa was crying.

Ryan began to run back up to the dock, and took Summers place of holding onto Marissa.

"What's wrong?"

"Ryan…did you tell anyone about my cutting when it first started?"

Ryan looked back at Seth, "just Seth."

Marissa looked teary eyed at Seth, "why did you tell her?"

Seth's face turned a bright red and he took Summer's hand, but she pulled away.

"Why did you tell her Seth?" Summer yelled.


	19. The Only Way To Part

**A/N:** Hey people I felt like adding another chapter since this story hasn't been updated as quickly and I want to keep my readers happy so here you go…this is belated but HAPPY TURKEY DAY!! No song in this one I couldn't squeeze it in. PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW!! –Love- **Converses Rolled Down**

**Disclaimer:** OC is the beautiful Josh's creation…I love you Josh if you're out there…willing to marry!!! LOL

"Can we talk about this alone?"

"Hell no Seth, Marissa has the same right to know that I do." Summer squinted, though the sun was no where around.

"I thought she knew I honestly did, and I was trying to make friends with her to get closer to you," his feet shifted and shrunk in the sand, "I'm guessing she didn't know?" He attempted a smile but was shot down by glares.

"Cohen…," Summer began to cry, which she promised she would never do in front of a boy, "you are such a jackass."

She ran up the sand dunes and got into the car locking the doors to prevent rapists and Seth Cohen from entering.

"Get out of here Seth," Ryan turned his attention back to Marissa rubbing her shoulders with his hands.

"What the hell?" Seth transferred weight to one foot, "what's going on?"

"Holly wrote a note to me, calling me a whore, and a cutter talking about how she thought I was stupid for it; like I really had control. She talked shit about my dad…just forget it Seth it's not your fault you didn't understand." Marissa dug her chin into Ryan's shoulder covering her pain, symbolically by hiding her face.

"Seth, man I told you that in confidence I mean what compelled you?" Ryan yelled, which startled Marissa.

"Ryan, don't," she took hold of his shirt and turned him toward her.

Seth gawked at what he perhaps caused, "I'm so sorry Marissa…I…I didn't realize how it would affect you."

'_All Cohen ever thinks about is himself…Jackass…he just goes about life expecting everything to affect him only.' _Summer crossed her arms over her chest locking eyes with Seth, who stood in front of the car. She unlocked the doors.

Seth carefully opened the doors, hoping she wouldn't drive off and leave him a paraplegic.

He didn't dare touch her at all, "Summer, I…" **(these next lines are from Season 2:'The Way We Were.')**

"What do you want Cohen?"

"I just want you Summer, I just want you."

**(end of that…I just loved when he said that.)**

Summer faced him, "all you ever think about is you…try being unselfish for one day Cohen one fucking day!"

"I don't just think about myself," Seth bit his lower lip, causing his lips to chap.

"Here," Summer handed him chap stick and leaned back in the drivers' seat.

"Summer I can't live without you," Seth threw the chap stick behind him.

"You told Holly that Marissa cut!!" Summer howled.

"I know and I'm sorry," Seth inched a tiny bit closer.

"You're only sorry you got caught."

"I didn't think it would cause all this, I really, really didn't. I would have never said anything if I thought she didn't know."

"Cohen," Summer was slowly giving into him.

"I'm sorry," Seth whispered.

She leaned forward and he leaned in as well, when a loud knocking came from the passenger window.

"Seth, let me in." Ryan screamed through the glass still holding strongly to Marissa.

Seth popped open the back door, letting them into the car.

"Listen, I'm sorry…about everything that I caused and I'm sorry I've been selfish especially to you, Marissa," Seth said peacefully.

"Seth, really its okay it isn't your fault," Marissa leaned into Ryan laying horizontal over him.

Ryan smoothed out her hair, "yeah Seth, sorry I yelled at you."

"You have nothing to be sorry for man."

Ryan nodded, he only said sorry because Marissa told him to, "you two ok?"

"Yeah I think so?" Seth looked to Summer.

"Fine," Summer pecked Seth quickly on the lips.

Summer started the engine, and high tailed it to Jimmy's apartment.

Once she pulled into the parking lot Ryan shook Marissa awake, they both got out of the car running through the rain that started to pour once they had gotten in the car.

"Summer, look at me," Seth was tired of the silent treatment.

"What Cohen?" Summer gave him the "you-better-say-the-right-thing" face.

"I love you," he gave her the puppy dog eyes and started to whine like a dog.

"Shut up Cohen," Summer smiled as she hit him playfully, "I love you too." She kissed him wholeheartedly. She let his hands play with her hair, and her hands wandered into the dark curls.

Ryan held his jacket over Marissa running along side her to the apartment. Once they were under the roof he looked at her, wondering which one was Jimmy's.

Marissa laughed, "it's upstairs."

Ryan nodded leading her up the twisting staircase. They finally got outside apartment 17B; Ryan figured this was the right one, based on the fact that Marissa stopped outside the door.

"Be nice to Seth," Marissa said as they hugged.

"Do I have to?"

"For me?" Marissa looked up, still holding securely to him.

"For you," Ryan smiled; he leaned down to her lips and held them in his own. He kissed her energetically, not wanting his tongue to leave the place it had become so comfortable. To him Marissa was his source of strength; he had to always stay strong for her…maybe more for himself. He drew a heart on her stomach; she felt the light touch through her shirt and kissed him harder showing him the same affection. He put his hands on her waist, stroking both sides to keep her warm. With their lips still attached, Ryan lightly pushed Marissa into the apartment door, not wanting to make too much noise. She groaned at the pain, but enjoyed the fact that they were pressed up against each other. His hand ran up her thigh quickly, and to the side of her face, intensifying the kiss tenfold. Marissa pulled back, catching her breath.

"I better go, curfew," she said exhausted.

"Yeah," Ryan tilted his head and looked at her for a second and took in her lips again.

"You're…so…beautiful…" Ryan said between kisses.

Marissa smiled, and put her hand on his chest, "I have to go."

"Bye…I love you." Ryan kissed her quickly and waited for her to walk inside.

Marissa turned the door and walked inside looking back at Ryan to wave.

Seth and Summer were still locking lips when Ryan made his way back to the car.

"Yeah, didn't want nor need to see that," Seth and Summer blushed and pulled away.

"Yo, Ryan you mind driving?"

"Oh so you and Summer can make out?"

Seth smiled and made his way to the back seat climbing out of the passenger; flipping upside down and finally landing how he wanted to originally. Summer got out like a normal person and sat in the back seat next to Seth.

"God, you're weird," Seth examined Summer's way of getting out and decided it was an "alien" maneuver.

"Ha, I am?" Summer laughed.

Ryan started the car, and shook his head at the bickering.

Once they were outside the Roberts' mansion Ryan motioned for Seth to walk Summer to the door. The rain began to ruin Summer's flip curl, and Seth walked Jew-fro and all un-phased. He pulled Summer into him and ran her under her porch.

"Here you are mi lady," Seth bowed for her.

"Thank you sir," Summer curtsied low almost to her knees.

Seth kissed her once she stood up straight again, "Ow, flexible."

Summer laughed as Seth spun her in a circle, "Night Summer."

"Night Seth," she kissed him once more and watched him run back to the car, as she opened the door to her empty mansion.

Summer sighed and lay against the door, "Night Seth." Her eyes closed and the rotten smell of alcohol and Prozac rolled up her nostrils.

'_Seth Cohen…Summer Cohen…' _Summer laughed at the thought of her name mixed with his, _'Seth Roberts…ha that sounds better.' _She would consult someone about that, if a girl could give her last name instead of the guy, though she didn't want the Roberts name to carry on its curse.


	20. Author's Note: ANSWERING A QUESTION

**A/N:** To answer the question:Why did Ryan tell Seth about Marissa and the cutting? He felt he could trust Seth, and when someone tells you that they cut you feel obligated to tell someone else, maybe to get help for that person or just to relieve yourself of pressure…Trust me Ryan would have told Seth anything…he feels like Seth is his brother. And from what I know brothers don't keep dark secrets from each other. Ryan on the show is a shy person but in this fan fiction he has a little more trust in people than he does on the show...so he trust Seth to keep the secret, and he figured that Seth could help him with Marissa later on which is coming hold on!!!


	21. Cold Water

A/N: I enjoyed writing this chapter its near and dear to me so be kind…but honest. No song in this one yet there is a poem which I wrote…and you can't take okay? LOL, I trust you all not to steal it…anyway this chapter took me forever to write and I am in love with it. **_Please, please, please review rapidly and long on this chapter_** I really want to know what you think…this chapter is dedicated to someone who will never read this but I dedicate anyway to my friend Anna Lee…she is the best person ever!! Please review long this time…LOVE YOU ALL, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

**Disclaimer:** THE POEM IS MINE!!! THE OC IS NOT :-) Enjoy!

Marissa laid on her newly furnished, by Seth and Summer, bed and twirled a pocket knife around all her fingers to between her pinky and thumb. She paused and opened the pocket knife to reveal a nail file. She filed her nail so far it turned a bright pink; this wasn't the pain she enjoyed, or rather had enjoyed. She wasn't like that anymore; no she had changed.

"Well, hell Julie how do you expect me to care for her if you don't help out? (Pause) No I mean by like paying some kind of child support… (Pause)…You know why…I lost my job, remember that's why you left me…Damn it Julie I need help…I can't do this alone… (Pause) yeah she's fine…asleep in her room, she was out with Ryan… (Frustrated pause, like he was interrupted) Ryan is a good guy, and you know th…Julie calm down…can we talk about this later? I understand but…you're right I'm unemployed but that doesn't mean I am here all the fucking time…I do watch her…Ryan is good for her…no Julie if you want that done do it on, don't do something that's going to send her back into…Julie let me get a word in okay? I don't want her leaving me…because I don't trust Caleb with her…No I didn't mean…Julie…"

The rest of the conversation was Jimmy telling Julie to calm down, and not do something stupid. Marissa threw the pocket knife back in her drawer and turned on her side, crossing her arms over her chest at the same time. She dropped cold tears onto the bed sheets and wiped them up as quickly as they dropped…her therapist had told her to write when she felt like cutting, well she felt like cutting, and got out her journal shaking as she touched the paper with her pen. She wrote furiously hardly letting the pen off the paper:

**It's In the Cut**

**Hot blood dripping leaving a cold stain**

**The funny thing is you love this kind of pain**

**Your hand slips over the fresh scar**

**These cuts make you who you are**

**No one can stop you now**

**Its time now to make that perfect vow**

**A lie never to do it again**

**Never let that razor touch you skin**

**But you want it, need that hurt **

**Everyone but you agrees you must convert**

**Into someone that isn't you**

**No one has any fucking clue**

**That you hate what you've become**

**Always experiencing the numb**

**Blood leaking**

**That love your seeking**

**It's in the cut **

**It's about keeping your mouth shut**

**(Yo this is copyrighted by me…so don't go stealing it!)**

Ryan played "Halo 2" all night with Seth, catching up on his life. Not that much was going on now that Seth had Summer. He sat while Seth went over he and Summer's plans for the next day. "We're going out to the beach first, where I made a candle light dinner, then off onto the 'Summer's Breeze', off to the coast no where big. Then, now here is the best part, we are camping out in the woods."

"Doesn't sound like something Summer would want to do," Ryan said honestly.

"Eh, she'll love it."

"I hate this Cohen!" Summer screamed through the rain.

"Nah, come on give it a chance," Seth shouted back.

"I gave it a chance, and it still sucks."

Seth took her hand, it felt warm against the rain, "one more chance," he said delicately.

Summer smiled, and kissed him quickly, taking in the tenderness of his lips against hers.

Seth cracked the smile he'd held back for the entire trip, just being with Summer was just enough for him, "You want to go shopping?"

"Seriously Cohen," Summer wailed.

"Seriously...Roberts," her last name echoed down the mountain they had been camping on, for ten minutes.

"YAY!" Summer took his hand and skipped off to the Land Rover, "yay, for shopping!"

Ryan walked the distance to Marissa's apartment, and knocked gently on the door. Jimmy opened up the door, his eyes red from tears. "Mr. Cooper, what's wrong?" Ryan asked wanted to see Marissa right then!

"…It's Marissa, she…," Jimmy put his hand to his face, "she's in the hospital again…and they're not sure she'll…," Jimmy stopped looking deep into Ryan's face, "Ryan, they aren't sure she will make it."

"What the hell happened?"

"She just…I mean I…," Jimmy began to brake down, crying hysterically.

"Jimmy, just tell me what happened," Ryan put a reassuring hand on Jimmy's shoulder.

"I found her Ryan…I saw it…I saw all the blood, the eyes in the back of her head…I could smell the blood all day…I tried to clean it up," Ryan peeked inside the house, where in the back corner carpet was torn away, and revealed a deep set stain of royal red.

"Why?" Ryan could only conjure up enough breath.

"She…heard me on the phone with her mother, and we argued for a long time," Jimmy grabbed his temples rubbing them irately.

"Jimmy look at me."

"She did it because she heard me talk about her moving in with Julie and Caleb, and Julie would never let Marissa see you…I guess she put two and two together," Jimmy finally looked Ryan in the eyes.

The heat of tears was pulling Ryan under, "what hospital Jimmy?"

"City of Hope Hospital," Jimmy choked on his words, "I'll go with you; this isn't coming up anyway." Jimmy pointed back to the bloody stain outside Marissa's door.


	22. Where Is My Mind?

A/N: Hey guys sorry had a huge Dual Credit Test today so I was not able to write that whole week…so but I am back and ready to write!! Here we go with this one…OH THANK YOU SO, SO, SO, SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS!!

**OC Obsessive:** Thanks man!! You ROCK TOTALLY TOO!

**BrSoccerChic89:** I try to keep my chapters relatively dark yet romantic…am I achieving that?

**BensHott:** Ha, Ha your review was funny, that you have the same last name of Roberts, and the Roberts curse…I heard that on the show once I think…but I could have just imagined it or read it somewhere…Keep enjoying!

**newportbabe44:** Agreed but you got to feel bad for Marissa too…yet Ryan has always had to deal with caring for and watching other people…I like that he can stay by Marissa through it.

**I-luv-the-oc-and-smallville:** Thank ya' for loving the story and about Julie I hope something bad happens too…wink, wink

**Juzadream:** Thanks. I try to add as much of my own stuff as I can…Marissa is cutting again because once you start it's hard to stop.

**LOTRrosie: **Aww I am glad you could relate to my story…with your friend…That's really why I wrote it to get reviews like yours thank you.

**To Whom It May Concern:** I can't remember who asked me how I know so much about cutting but the answer is I've been through it know what it feels like for the person cutting and the people around them, affected by the grief and destruction it causes…and the pain never, ever, ever stops for me and this is helping me through that! LOVE YOU ALL, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

**DISCLAMER:** Song is **_Nada Surf "Where is my mind?"_**…OC is the beautiful Josh's creation.

Doctors swirled from behind Ryan, running to save someone's life no doubt. Ryan and Jimmy had been at the hospital nearly an hour but heard nothing from anyone on how Marissa was doing. Ryan was getting frustrated and went to the information desk.

He slammed his hands on the table, "alright look, I've been here nearly an hour and I want to know where the fuck my girlfriend is...," Jimmy tried to calm Ryan down by placing a hand on his shoulder, "no Jimmy!" He shook at the heat that was produced by Jimmy's hand.

The receptionist sat completely still, "sir, please calm down."

Ryan yelled louder than he ever had, "I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHERE MARISSA COOPER IS…RIGHT NOW!!!!"

She shuffled some papers, "she's in intensive care right now, and you can't see her at this time." She folded her hands over the desk, "so you're just ganna have to wait." She gave him the death stare and Ryan backed down, he didn't want to go to jail for killing some half-ass receptionist.

Jimmy fell into a deep sleep lying over two chairs grasping hard to the arm rest, while Ryan sat closer to the TV to stay awake for as long as he could.

In her room Marissa lay almost lifeless with only the feeling of laying somewhere. She tried to move her head…nothing happened…she tried her hands…only the beep of a machine, no movement. She tried screaming…nothing came out, and her eyes lay in the same position, not moving, not showing Marissa anything. Marissa heard a door open and close.

"Doctor," someone called.

"Yes," a deep voice replied.

"I think she is out of the coma."

"What makes you think that?"

"The breathing is deeper, and her eyes look you can see the pupil now."

The doctor placed his hands on Marissa's, supposedly looking for warmth, "Nurse call Doctor Grange in here…," He coughed, "NOW!"

The door again opened and scraped against the wall, all the minuscule sounds that echoed in the room Marissa heard painstakingly well. More footsteps entered the room and body heat surrounded her.

"What is it?"

"I believe she is awake and sound, but there is no movement."

"Comatose."

"Excuse me?"

"She has fallen into a coma," once again Marissa felt a hand atop hers.

"I thought she already was dead?"

Marissa choked on a tube, _'I'm not dead…I'm alive again…this is God's second chance for me…to be a better person…be a more sound, sane person.' _Marissa had begun to be more religious after her first encounter with the hospital.

"So, you're saying she will live now?" Some whiny voice called.

"No," the main doctor sadly said.

Marissa felt the heat of tears and they rolled down her sunken cheeks.

Someone brushed them away, "its okay Marissa, we're going to make sure you're alright."

She tried to move her head again but nothing came of it.

She thought of her dad and his soft words to her even when she is sixteen.

FLASHBACK

Jimmy played with the soft curls in Marissa's hair, curling them in his pinky; Marissa smiled up from her toys, one toy fully stuffed into her mouth.

"'Rissa don't eat that," Jimmy laughed as he pulled it out of her mouth and onto the floor. Marissa immediately shoved it into her mouth drooling onto the floor.

"You'll always be my little princess won't you?"

Marissa nodded and continued to chew on her dolls face, "dada…" she muttered as she chewed.

Jimmy pulled some of her hair back into the clip it was in before, "I love you 'Rissa."

"I wobe dada," the three year-old cooed.

Marissa tried to hold in the tears that were welling up, but she never really had control of them, unless she was cutting.

FLASHBACK

Marissa reached her hand out for the razorblade she had gotten from the dollar store and took the razor out of it, cradling it in her soft hand. She took in a deep breath and let the metal meet her skin for the first time ever. It burned at first, but in the book it said it would. She closed her eyes, as it had instructed and laid on the bed covering the cut. Softly she sang a song that she had heard on the radio.

'**Try this with your feet in the air and your head on the ground**

**You try this trick and spin it**

**Your head will collapse but there's nothing in it so you ask yourself**

**Where is my mind?**

**Where is my mind?**

**Where is my mind?**

**Way out in the water**

**see it swimming**

**I was swimming in the Caribbean**

**Animals were hiding behind the rock**

**Except for the fish and it told me**

**I swear its trying to talk to me**

**Where is my mind?**

**Where is my mind?**

**Where is my mind?**

**Way out in the water**

**See it swimming**

**With your feet in the air and your head on the ground**

**You try this trick and spin it**

**Your head will collapse but there's nothing in it so you ask yourself**

**Where is my mind?**

**Where is my mind?**

**Where is my mind?**

**Way out in the water**

**See it swimming…'**

She pulled the covers deep into her face, grinning at the nice blood stain she had left on her mom's favorite blanket. She laughed, and fell into a sleep like she had never felt before…a good one.

Marissa tried to move again, but the damned wires kept her from moving enough to get attention, or so she told herself. She then thought of Ryan and the future they might never have.

Marissa placed the dishes in the sink and warm kisses were trailed up her neck, and rough arms were placed around her, she turned and faced Ryan.

"I love you so much," Ryan said as he took her into the kiss, they had enjoyed so many times before, but every time it felt like the first.

"I love you too Ryan, more than you'll ever know," Marissa grinned knowing his response.

"Oh I know," he kissed her harder pushing her, pregnant and all, into the counter kissing her with all he had left over from work. He rubbed the belly that contained his daughter or son and kissed it softly.

"I love you too," he whispered to the baby.

Marissa pulled his face back up to hers, "Ryan…"

Ryan looked at her, with saddened eyes.

Marissa took him back into the kiss not wanting to wake up from this wonderful dream, but eventually she would have to face reality.

The reality of cutting, and almost dieing, twice, and possibly killing any chance of a future for herself, her family, Ryan and her, all ruined. She was doomed to this hospital bed, and these insignificant nurses, and doctors. What was her life to be like, if she was able to move again, and speak?


	23. I'm Sorry Daddy

**A/N:** Short chapter this time, I wrote this late at night so it isn't that long, but I have more coming…I am really into this one right now my other ones will continue for those who like them better, they are on hold until I get bored with this one….or when I have more time, and ideas for the other ones…Hey I only got two reviews…or three after my last update…LOL step it up. Ha, Ha, Ha, its cool some people like it some don't….I love the Jimmy/Marissa scene in this one I cried writing it, and I am not a crier…Let me know if it touched Yall'….LOVE YOU, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN!

It had been almost a day, she had gone without seeing, or rather hearing any voices she really knew. Did anyone truly care she was there, dieing? She tried to move for the millionth time that night, and nothing happened the world spun on without her. She heard the door open and close and footsteps make their way to the bedside.

"Oh Marissa," her dad cried looking at the bandaged wrist and the bandage on her forehead, from when she had fallen.

Marissa tried so hard to call out to her dad, but only hot tears came out of her tightly shut eyes.

"The doctors told me if I talk to you, you might come out of this…coma." Jimmy choked.

'_If I could control it dad, I would have my arms wrapped around you; promising never to do this shit again.' _

"I love you Marissa, I want you to know that."

'_I do.'_

"I want you to just come back to me…don't leave me please Marissa," Jimmy lay his head on her stomach crying hard tears into her.

'_I'm sorry daddy.'_

Jimmy nuzzled his face into her sleepy looking one, "I'm sorry Marissa, I haven't been there for you like I should have been."

'_No! This isn't your fault…It's mine…I am selfish, I wanted to end my life not yours…I'm sorry daddy, please hear me.'_

Jimmy left the room after the doctors told him time was up. Marissa wanted so much to comfort him; she had caused this terrible pain for her father.

Summer sat outside the hospital smoking, for the first time, watching the street lights fog from her smoke.

"Summer," someone softly spoke from behind.

"Hey Chino," she lobbed her cigarette into the street not bothering to put it out.

Ryan sat on the cement next to her, "It's going to be alright."

Summer turned and looked at him, "no I'm pretty fucking sure its not…she's in there dieing and I am out here smoking…nothing is alright Chino and you know damn well," she stormed off into the Hospital lobby leaving Ryan to himself.

"Yeah," he muttered to no one in particular.

'_She's right, I know that. I saw her in that bed and I couldn't go in for God sake. This is my fault isn't it? I never cared for her like I should have, maybe if I never came she wouldn't have cut, wouldn't have torn herself up this bad. Maybe I am what caused all of this. The blame is better put on me than her.' _ Ryan pulled his jacket further over himself, not really cold from the air, but from his thoughts.

Seth made his way out of the lobby to his next destination the parking lot, looking for Ryan.

He sat next to him without a word.

"Hey Seth," Ryan was about to cry but didn't want to brake down in front of Seth.

"Ryan man, you alright?"

Ryan wiped his face, "fine man."

Seth saw that Ryan was no where near fine, "man?"

Ryan, out of no where, took Seth into a manly hug, crying onto his shoulder, and Seth just sat there letting Ryan cry for a while.

"Ryan, its okay man, she's ganna be ok."

"Nah man I don't think she is," Ryan backed away still crying softly.


	24. What You Did Was Crazy

**A/N:** I need more reviews than that…that was depressing…maybe Yall were busying but I need more motivation than that. Pitiful, but thank you for the reviews I did get that was sweet. And to clear up one thing the nurse when she was talking to Marissa she just saw the tears and tried to comfort her…Marissa can't talk or move she is in a coma, but she can hear and that's really it…in this one she thinks like she is talking to them but it's just them talking and her thinking. I love you all, Converses Rolled Down

**Start**--->Ryan played with the strings on his cotton jacket, making them uneven and even again. Jimmy walked out, red eyed, and smiling. Ryan looked up, purpled rims encircled his eyes, and his hands brushed the blond bangs dangling in his face.

"Go talk to her Ryan, I really think she can hear you," Jimmy sat in the chair next to the TV, that was playing the Macy's Day Parade from two years ago. Ryan crept out of his chair and walked down the eerie hallway to her room. He carefully pushed the door open a crack afraid to go in and see her.

Marissa heard a creak come from the other side of the room. She lay still, not that she could do much else, and waited for the person to gain courage to enter the room completely. The footsteps were light, not at all hard on the tile floor. Hands covered hers, and soft sobbing started and she knew it wasn't one of the doctors again. Suddenly warm lips were put on her hand; she got goose bumps, and knew immediately who it was. Ryan's tears fell onto her face; he wiped them up with his silky thumb.

"Please, don't leave me 'Rissa, I don't think I could live without you," Ryan continued to stroke her face with his thumb. He softly kissed her cheek wanting her to just magically kiss him back; but he knew that wasn't going to happen.

Marissa enjoyed the kisses he kept placing on her face, it was the warmth she had been wanting forall this time.

"Marissa, it's Ryan," he cried into her ear.

'_I know that.'_

Ryan kissed her cheek again, "I love you."

'_And I love you.'_

"Please," Ryan's eyes were fogging up already, "please 'Rissa don't leave me."

'_Never!'_

"Come back damn it!" He began shaking her, trying to get her to wake up. "Wake up damn it!"

A nurse ran into the room, having seen him shaking her, "STOP THAT RIGHT NOW."

'_Oh god, Ryan.'_

Ryan continued to shake her, "Marissa, come on!"

"Security," the nurse yelled into the hallway.

"Marissa…fuck…wake up!" Ryan started to shake her more rapidly until two policemen pinned him onto the floor. He continued to cry out her name, and tell them they didn't understand. Ryan was escorted out of the hospital and Sandy followed the policemen out the doors.

"Excuse me!" Sandy yelled.

One of the cops turned, "sir please we have to. He isn't to be here anymore."

"He is just braking down, that was his girlfriend in there."

"Do I honestly look like I care?"

Sandy stuck his hands in the pockets of his suit, "Ryan?"

"Sandy, just let them take me." Ryan eyed the floor, while the policemen tightened their grip on his arms.

Sandy exasperated yelled, "Ryan, you're only making this worse."

Ryan shook his head, and was lead out to the cop car.

Kirsten sat in the Police Headquarters waiting for them to release Ryan; it wasn't an offense to have a brake down in a hospital. A cop came out, the first women cop Kirsten had ever seen, besides on CSI.

"Lady, I think you need to talk to him, before we let him go," the cop played with her belt, it looked as if it would fall off her thin frame.

Kirsten nodded and followed her back to the cells, "That one?" Kirsten shivered it was scary here.

"Yea," the cop popped her gum and spun on her heels, still grasping at the belt.

Kirsten slid into the cell; they had left the door open, knowing Ryan wouldn't be any trouble.

Ryan stood up and ran into Kirsten's arms hugging her tightly. Ryan pulled on the neck of Kirsten's shirt, his body trembling.

"I love her, Kirsten."

Kirsten placed her hand in his hair patting his head, "I know Ryan, I know."

"She can't die," he pulled out of the hug and sat holding his head.

Kirsten looked around then sat next to him on the cement bench in the cell, "Ryan, shh…" She laid his head on her shoulder.

Ryan had never really cried openly like this before, but the thought of losing Marissa tore him apart, taking his heart and stopping its beating.

The sun shone bright in Marissa's room, but how could she see it? She tried it move, she was moving! She cried out, "HELP!" A doctor ran in immediately.

"Oh my god," He called in his nurses.

They all stood around tending to where she told them she hurt, carefully moving her up to a sitting position.

"Marissa, would you like to see your father?"

"Absolutely," Marissa smiled; she winced at the pain it caused.

Jimmy ran into the room, and without hesitation took her into his arms.

"Oh god, baby, I thought I lost you!" He held onto her tightly.

"I would never leave you daddy."

Jimmy smiled and kissed her forehead, "how are you feeling?"

"Sore…everywhere, umm can you tell me exactly what happened?"

"You want to know?"

"Yes dad, I want to know," she looked him deeply in the eye, waiting for the story to begin.

"Well…"

FLASHBACK

Marissa sat hearing her parents bicker back and forth, never stopping to think of her feelings. She took out an antique box with Betty Boop on the front. She raised it to eye level careful not to make much noise as she pried it open. The box revealed a large butcher-like knife; she took it out and just felt the cold on her face. Her blanket laid peacefully on her bed so she, tore it off and wrapped it around herself. Prepared to do what she had dreamt of many times. She let the knife run from the soft spot on her shoulder to her wrist, the blood showed up through the blanket, she laughed and fell to the ground…hard. Her head was partially cracked in half, only the blanket saved her fall from being fatal. Jimmy heard a large crash and threw the phone mid-conversation to the ground, shattering it. He stepped in her bright crimson blood, and smashed the door inward finally opening it to reveal Marissa on the ground clutching her head but not moving. He screamed and moved for the phone, but it was crushed on the hard cement floor. He knocked on the door next to his and cried for them to "OPEN UP AND CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE RIGHT AWAY".

END OF FLASHBACK

"I saw your body, it looked lifeless," Jimmy finished.

Marissa staggered out to his arms holding him close to her sobbing, "I'm so sorry daddy."

"What am I going to tell your mother?"

"You mean she doesn't know?"

"She's in Paris…with Caleb."

"Oh," Marissa sighed and leaned back into the bed.

"You…" Jimmy hesitated, "I won't let her have you."

"She's going to institutionalize me," Marissa looked out the window, to the shore line.

"No baby, you're ganna just be here in this hospital a little longer."

"How much longer," Marissa faced her dad.

"A lot 'Rissa, what you did this time was…"

"Crazy?"

Jimmy nodded slowly taking Marissa's hand.


	25. Not What I Want To Be

**A/N:** Hey this is the last update for a while…I have finals next week so I am ganna study for those a lot this weekend, and week…but after that I will devote myself to ALL my stories…Don't stop reading…don't have time to comment on all the reviews but thanks for liking it…I tried hard to make this as realistic as possible…so let me know if I am achieving that!! Love you all, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN….and Converses are cool!!!

Sick smelling soup was set before Marissa and the nurse nodded toward the food, "you haven't eaten in two months Marissa, come on. You want out of here don't you?"

Marissa had been through therapy, long hours of complaining about her life, and had been medicated properly by an in hospital doctor.

"Yeah, hey, Hannah you think I'll be out soon?" Marissa angled her head toward her roommate.

"No why Marissa you crazy," Hannah laughed then took hold of a soft leather book, "Marissa I want you to have something."

Marissa watched Hannah slide the book over the softly tiled floors; she leaned down and pulled the book off the floor and into her hands.

"What is it?" Marissa opened the book slowly, almost afraid of what she would find.

The nurse left, noticing that this wasn't the time to force Marissa to eat.

"A book of quotes, poems, songs, things that are so beautiful it makes you forget about everything that ever makes you want to cut," Hannah smiled warmly, Marissa was everything Hannah wanted to be.

Marissa returned the smile, "thanks Hannah that means a lot, honestly."

Hannah turned more onto her side, "why'd you do it?"

"Cut?" Marissa mimicked Hannah's movements, sliding on her side as well.

"Yeah, I mean you seem like life is everything you wanted it to be…" Hannah paused afraid Marissa would be angry with her question. Hannah was only seven years old, dark black hair, a strong tan, and some freckles you could only see if you looked real close.

"Ha, I am not close to who I want to be. I don't think anyone ever achieves what they want. I mean cutting was a way for me to cope, and it was wrong, with my mom and dad's divorce and my mom's remarriage to some asshole rich old guy," Marissa shyly smiled, she wasn't used to saying the explicit truth to much of anyone.

"Marissa, are you happy now, I mean happy with what you've done?" Hannah played with the cord connecting her to a heart monitor.

Marissa bit her bottom lip, "no."

"Sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's just…I dunno your life doesn't seem that awful."

"You're right…but I am not…how do I say it? I'm not in my 'right' mind. Little things depress me, Hannah. But hopefully this medicine will help me with that."

Hannah slid her hand over the heart monitor, "will you write to me when you get out?"

"Of course I will, Hannah I will even come and visit you," Marissa watched the little girl weep delicately into her pillow. "Hannah it's okay."

Hannah had been in the Hospital for jumping from her roof, breaking her leg, arm, and fracturing her skull. She was a seven year-old girl who felt like she had to end her life, her mother had told her that she was 'good for nothing,' and her father had sexually abused her. The Hospital in Newport was the only place Hannah had ever felt safe, secure, away from her cruel world in Riverside. She had cut once before but told Marissa it was 'too much pain', and that she 'liked having the pain quickened'. Somehow Marissa had made a connection with this broken soul, and felt responsible when the nurse found Hannah cutting in her hospital bed. Everything Marissa was fascinated Hannah; Marissa would tell her stories of Newport, of her family, the Cohens, and of Ryan.

"Marissa, can you take me with you?" Hannah asked in the dark of the room.

Her question burned Marissa's heart, "I don't think you can do that, but trust me if I could I would stuff you in my suitcase and take you with me."

"When can I meet Ryan?" Hannah changed the subject, not wanting to break her heart anymore.

"When ever he comes to visit me, but right now he has to be in school, and I am sure this situation makes him uncomfortable. Meeting his girlfriend in the mental hospital," Marissa laid her head perfectly on the pillow. The thought of Ryan brought much desired tears to her eyes, she dare not wipe them, for fear that the tears may never come again.

"Marissa, why are you crying?" Hannah had made her way over to Marissa's hospital bed, dragging her oxygen tank along with her.

Marissa stretched her arms out to Hannah, pulling the little girl into a tight hug, holding Hannah's thumping body close to her heart. "Don't grow up like me Hannah; never let anyone tell you that you're not beautiful, or not good enough, because you are all those things." Hannah looked into Marissa's glazed over eyes and hugged her ever the more tightly, for the words she had just said, meant more to Hannah than anything. The girls fell asleep holding onto the warmth of one another, they had both gone so long without any kind of love, and this was just what both of them needed.

Ryan pulled his backpack further onto his shoulders, letting the strap of the bag rub against the deep scratch that covered his shoulder. He had taken up soccer when Marissa had been told she was to be in the hospital for more than a couple months. The pain of being beaten against a goal post was just enough to only cry a little at night for Marissa. Seth had tried to cure Ryan of his pain, but comic books, and X-box were nowhere near the smell of Marissa against his chest, or the feeling of her lips against his. Summer had gone to visit Marissa three times in the last week, coming back with tales of the little girl occupying the room with Marissa, and of Marissa's glowing face, how she 'looks better than ever,' and that she will 'be just fine.'

"Chino, earth to Chino," Summer yelled into Ryan's ear.

"Yeah, sorry what Summer?"

"I'm going to see Coop today, want to go with…I mean she is sick of just seeing me and Cohen."

"She doesn't want to see me," Ryan walked toward his Chemistry class, as Summer followed his every step.

"Chino, she wants to see you. She always asks what you're up to…if you are dating…"

"Of course I'm not," Ryan turned almost bumping into Summer.

"I know Ryan, and she knows that, she just wants to see you." Summer rubbed Ryan's forearm, but once seeing how uncomfortable he was at her touch she put her hand back in Seth's.

"Yo, man she is totally missing you. Just come see her today, after school with us, I bet it would mean a lot to her," Seth juggled with the idea finally deciding he had said it right, nodded.

"I'll go, but I can't stay long, I got a math test tomorrow, don't want to fail," Ryan shrugged and walked off in the direction of his Chemistry class.

"Poor guy," Summer whispered.

"Hey now, don't go crushing on the Ry-ster."

She pulled her arm back and hit Seth in the chest, "shut up Cohen."

"Ow, man you really do take some major weight lifting classes," Seth examined the wound Summer had inflected upon him, "damn."

Summer smiled, and kissed him lightly, "go to class Cohen."

"Thanks Sum," Seth laughed and hugged her one last time, "think he'll go?"

"Yeah, he secretly wants to, but he's just scared."

"Scared of what exactly?" Seth looked down at her dark eyes.

"Scared, of what he'll see, what the reality of the situation is."

"Later Sum," Seth kissed her forehead and walked off to his Creative Writing class.

Ryan sat in the drivers' seat of the Cohen's Land Rover, with Summer and Seth in the back seat.

"Chino, you ganna go?" Summer asked looking into the rear view mirror at Ryan's blood shot eyes.

"Yeah…yeah," Ryan started the car.

The stretch of highway lingered in front of him, the exit for the hospital beamed in his light blue eyes.

The entrance to the hospital was painted a pale gray, last time Ryan was here it was light blue.

The nurses rumbled into the rooms, not stopping for the three teens walking toward a room occupying their friend.

Marissa stirred quietly in her sleep, her eyes moved rapidly within her eyelids. Suddenly the sound of the door opening woke her.

"SUMMER," she yelled taking her friend into a hug.

"Hey, Coop, I brought someone with me, besides Cohen, this time," Summer smiled.

"Where is he?"

"Out in the hall, he said I could say hi first…but I'm just ganna go talk to Hannah, Cohen go tell Ryan to come in," Summer walked over to the curtain separating the rooms and pulled it back walking over to Hannah's bedside.

Seth walked back in with Ryan trailing behind; he walked over to Summer and closed the curtain, leaving Ryan with Marissa.

"Here," Ryan set flowers on Marissa's bedside, "sorry I didn't come earlier."

"It's okay," Marissa was nervous, she hadn't seen Ryan in more than two months she had no idea how his life was now.

Ryan looked her in the eyes and connected with her, "I can't." He walked out closing the door hard behind him.

Marissa sighed and turned on her side watching the shadows of Summer and Seth. Hannah was asleep Marissa knew that. Summer and Seth's shadow came close together and blended as one, they were hugging. Marissa wanted that feeling of hands around her waist, and kisses planted on her face.

Ryan leaned against the wall and slowly slid to a sitting position. He took his head in his hands and cried, not for himself, not for his mother, not even for his life, for the first time he cried without a true reason. A nurse passed by and asked him if he needed anything and Ryan just yelled an angry no and continued to cry. Once his hands were wet with tears, he walked back into her room. Her back was turned to him, and soft sobs could be heard above Summer's soft humming. He walked slowly to her bedside, and she turned. He smiled weakly, the tears still rolling down his face. Marissa wanted to say something, wanted to stop his crying, but there was nothing she could do for him now. He sat on the end of her soft bed, and turned to face her not saying a word. She sat up and looked at his wet face, wanting so much to kiss his tears away. Ryan shook his head and pushed her back down to her laying position. His body leaned lightly on her, he moved the greasy hair from her face, and touched her cheek with the back of his hand. His heart beat was thrashing onto her body, and she let him stroke her face for a while longer. He moved a last strand of hair and kissed her lips softly. Marissa wrapped her arms around him, and returned the kiss. Ryan caught his breath and whispered delicately to her, "I love you." Marissa smiled and kissed him again.

"Ryan, I want you to meet someone," Marissa said once Ryan had calmed down and watched "The Valley" with Marissa, Seth, and Summer.

"Yeah, who," Ryan moved his chair closer to her.

"Hannah, are you awake?"

Hannah groaned from the other side of the curtain.

"Ryan, go say hi," Marissa nodded confirming it was okay to wake her.

Ryan's chair scraped the tile floor as he stood and walked toward Hannah's part of the room.

"Hey," he said softly, as she opened her eyes.

"Ryan, right?" Hannah slurred.

"Yeah," Ryan was confused; Summer had told him of the girl that was in the same room as Marissa, but he expected a hard hearted teenager, but instead found a kind hearted child.

"Marissa, told me all about you," she grinned; she had one front tooth missing.

"Yeah? Were they good things?" Ryan asked as he took the only chair in the vicinity.

"Yeah, only good things…I'm Hannah." She stuck out her hand for him to shake but instead he hugged her lightly.

"Nice to meet you," Ryan smiled, "you like Marissa huh?"

"She's nice to me…I haven't ever really had someone that nice to me…you like her?" Hannah laughed realizing she just asked Marissa's boyfriend if he liked her.

Ryan laughed, and leaned in a little closer, "to tell you the truth I think I love her."

"You think?" Hannah giggled.

"Well, I know," Ryan leaned into his chair, lifting the metal legs off the floor.


	26. With My Wings I Fly

**A/N:** I didn't study tonight because school is normal no finals tomorrow and I had a good idea so I wrote this…I wrote the poem that isn't by Emily Dickinson or Robert Frost so tell me what you think of it…I tried real hard to reach people with this chapter…everything is medically correct I checked with my mom so don't ask me how I know…I just told you. My mom used to be a nurse…This is an exciting chapter…at least I think so….tell me also if I am keeping them dark enough and not just fluffy, I want to steer clear of fluff so let me know…I Love You All, CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN

**Disclaimer:** Poem is mine don't steal it please…I copyright all my poems so I would suggest you not copy :-) The OC isn't mine the only thing mine is the poem, Hannah, Jamie, and Hillary who will reappear soon. Is that a good idea you think?

The florescent lights surrounded her then the smell of drills crawled unmercifully into her nose. She shivered; not knowing where she was exactly, she remembered a doctor telling her that they would run some tests. She slowly opened one eye, saw the doctor and immediately closed it again. There was blood on his scrubs, she wondered if the blood came from her. Suddenly a burst of pain came to her chest; she squirmed, and opened her eyes.

"Doctor, she's awake!"

"Dear god, someone get the anesthesia! Hurry," the doctor screamed.

Someone's hand took hold of hers, carefully rubbing it with their thumb, "it's going to be okay baby," a smooth voice said.

"Where," she slurred.

"Shh, quiet now," the silky voice told her, before she fell into a deep sleep again.

Marissa rolled onto her side looking for Hannah's angelic face to greet her. The bed was gone, and droplets of blood trailed out into the hallway.

Marissa panicked, "Hannah, Hannah, where is she? Hannah, Hannah!"

A nurse, in scrubs, ran into the room, "Marissa, calm down."

"Jamie, where's Hannah?" Marissa searched Jamie's eyes for the answer, "no."

"Marissa shh," Jamie stroked Marissa's head trying everything she knew to calm her down.

"What happened?" Marissa pulled out of the embrace.

"She…she had a seizure and something in her heart ruptured," Jamie got a mop from the bathroom and began to clean up the spots of blood.

"She's seven years old!" Marissa screamed, and cried all at once.

Jamie broke down falling to her knees and letting her tears fall into the blood.

Marissa struggled to get out of her bed, "Jamie?"

She hugged Jamie, rocking her back and forth.

The doctors swirled around Hannah, who lay on the little hospital bed, unconscious, never to open her little brown eyes again. A white sheet was pulled over her small innocent body, and tucked all around her; no tears of a mother were shed, not even of a father. Only the occasional doctor cried, and Marissa, who cried as if she was the mother. Wheels could be heard scraping down the three foot wide hallway, Marissa turned toward the little side of the room not wanting to see Hannah wrapped in a sheet. Soggy tears hit her pillow without a sound, except that of Jamie cleaning the room for a new patient.

"Her…mom knows?" Marissa quietly asked.

"Yes…she picked up her…umm…body earlier." Jamie continued to mop the floor in the same place she had been for ten minutes. "You ganna be okay Marissa?"

"It was a kid! She had so much in front of her," Marissa sat up hardly leaning against the bed.

"Could say the same about you," Jamie stopped and looked genuinely at Marissa.

"Seven years old, and she wanted to end her life," Marissa ignored the previous comment.

"Not when she died, she didn't want to go when she did," Jamie wiped her face with the neck of her scrubs.

"Yeah?"

"She loved you Marissa, she wanted to be just like you," Jamie laughed, "in fact she once asked me if you wanted a little sister."

"I've got one, but I'd trade it in," Marissa laughed, then realized the hurt inside her for saying that.

"Yeah, Caitlin doesn't seem like a real sweetheart."

Marissa laughed, "Hannah asked me why I cut one time."

Jamie leaned on the top of the mop, "what did you say?"

"That I honestly didn't know, that I thought it was because I was depressed but that medicine would fix it."

"True," Jamie walked closer to the window looking out at the small sunset, "Hannah used to love watching the sun go down, she said she never saw the sunset in Riverside."

Marissa smiled, "You hear anything from her mom?"

"They're ganna bury her in Newport…can you believe a little kid would feel the need to make a last will and testament?"

Marissa smiled again, "that's Hannah for you."

"She left you a note Marissa, I wasn't ganna give it to you, till I thought you were ready," Jamie reached into her pocket and pulled out an envelope with "Marisa", spelled wrong, on it.

She reached out for it and snuggled it close to her chest, "I'll wait till I'm ready."

"Good for you," she started to mop again but stopped, "Ryan called he'll come by after school."

"Okay," Marissa played with the envelope, twirling it in her fingers, "he knows about Hannah?"

"Yeah, I told him when he called…that kid really likes you," Jamie smiled and turned to leave.

"I know," Marissa whispered once Jamie left.

Ryan walked into Marissa's room, quietly figuring that she would be asleep like she usually was when he came.

"Marissa?" He whispered into her ear.

"Hey," Marissa said drowsily, as she hugged him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…Ryan I want you to read this," Marissa pulled a drawer open and took out the crinkled envelope.

Ryan looked at her, skeptically but unfolded the letter anyway.

**'Dear Marisa,**

**"Death is the only inescapable, unavoidable, sure thing. We are sentenced to die the day we're born." - Gary Mark Gilmore- **

**I wanted to leave you with some of the greatest thoughts of me so I wrote down some poems I love and I wrote one at the end for you. **

**If I should die,**

**And you should live --**

**And time should gurgle on --**

**And morn should beam --**

**And noon should burn --**

**As it has usual done --**

**If Birds should build as early**

**And Bees as bustling go --**

**One might depart at option**

**From enterprise below!**

**'Tis sweet to know that stocks will stand**

**When we with Daisies lie --**

**That Commerce will continue --**

**And Trades as briskly fly --**

**It makes the parting tranquil**

**And keeps the soul serene --**

**That gentleman so sprightly**

**Conduct the pleasing scene!**

**-Emily Dickinson-**

**The shattered water made a misty din.**

**Great waves looked over others coming in,**

**And thought of doing something to the shore**

**That water never did to land before.**

**The clouds were low and hairy in the skies,**

**Like locks blown forward in the gleam of eyes.**

**You could not tell, and yet it looked as if**

**The shore was lucky in being backed by cliff,**

**The cliff in being backed by continent;**

**It looked as if a night of dark intent**

**Was coming, and not only a night, an age?**

**Someone had better be prepared for rage.**

**There would be more than ocean-water broken**

**Before God's last put out the Light was spoken.**

**-Robert Frost-**

**This last poem I wrote for you…I knew you liked poems so I figured if I write one you would remember me better when I go.**

**With My Wings I Fly**

**When I've flown away**

**My wings will start to weigh**

**Though I know the pain of death**

**I would still like to enjoy my last breath**

**To enjoy your last smile**

**Maybe even stay a while**

**My soul is finally free**

**I don't want you to be sad for me**

**-Hannah Emily Wesley-**

**Thank you Marisa for being the best friend I have ever had, actually the only real friend I have ever had. I wish I had been your little sister instead of the family I was born into, though God put you in my life, so I could be happy, and have a true friend before I died. I didn't want to tell you about my epilepsy (I asked Jamie how to spell that, but I actually spelled it right the first time!) because I didn't want you to worry about me. I hope you have the best life possible…I will be your guardian angel I promise.'**

Ryan set the letter back in the drawer and saw Marissa crying, "Marissa, shh." He held her close, holding her as tightly as was possible in a hospital bed.

"Ryan, I mean couldn't I have done something?" Marissa held onto his hand as he sat on the end of her bed.

"She was sick 'Rissa, there was nothing you could do," he played with her hand feeling its softness.

"Why?"

"Marissa she is happier now, God is taking good care of her, and I can guaranty that."

Marissa smiled shyly, "sorry you didn't come here to see me cry," she wiped her tears with the free hand.

"No, 'Rissa, it's okay to cry when you lose someone."

Marissa pulled Ryan into a hug and cried for what seemed like forever, until Jamie walked in.

"Hey Ryan," Jamie said as she put Marissa's food on a table.

"Hi, Jamie," he pulled out of the hug and took Marissa's hand.

"Marissa, just got news from the doctor, you can go home this Friday, as long as you continue treatment with your medicine and see Dr. Grange on a regular basis."

"I can?" Marissa had been here so long that she forgot she lived anywhere else.

"Yep, I believe you are ganna live with your mom."

"Shit." Ryan covered his mouth; he didn't mean to say that out loud.

"Take it that's a bad thing?" Jamie laughed.

Ryan just nodded and looked at Marissa apologetically.

"What day is it now?" Marissa asked excitedly.

"Wednesday, you got a while."

"You ganna be alright living with your mom?" Ryan asked once Jamie left.

"I'll be next door to you won't I?"

Ryan nodded and kissed her hard, "God I missed this," he said into the kiss.

Marissa looked in his eyes, "me too, Ryan, me too."

Marissa's suitcases covered her bed, and her tight spaghetti strap shirt was newly pressed against her skin. She was so used to that damned hospital gown that wearing her favorite shirt was like a new experience. She pulled her jeans up further, and turned to see her dad standing in the door.

"I'm the one takin' ya to your moms."

Marissa ran to hug her dad for the first time in a couple days, "oh god I missed you."

"I missed you too kiddo," he kissed her cheek and picked up her suitcases.

"So why do I have to stay with mom exactly?" Marissa took the lighter suitcase and walked side to side with her dad.

"Because that way I can see you without going through court," Jimmy smiled and pressed the down button for the elevator.

"Wait!" Marissa ran back to the room and watched a nurse she had never seen before pull the sheets she had been sleeping in for so long. She startled the nurse but raised her arms as to say sorry. Her hand shook as she opened the drawer containing the note from Hannah. The envelope was a soft gray now; Marissa had read it so many times. When she removed the envelope it revealed the leather bond book, Hannah had given her. Marissa wiped the dust off of it and stuck it under her arm. She walked up to the window and watched the shore line fade into nothingness, and carefully maneuvered around the nurse out to her father, who was holding the elevator.

"You ready Kiddo?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," Marissa looked to her father and smiled, knowing she was now entering a new world.


	27. Selfish Love?

**A/N:** This is a critical chapter, for new reviewers and old reviewers, because there are a lot of cutting oriented stories out there now and I am wondering if mine is even on par with the rest…**LET ME KNOW IF IT IS OR ISN'T**….alright so once I get plenty reviews and opinions I will decide if I will continue on with this story…**REMEMBER TO LEAVE AN OPINION IT DECIDES IF I WILL CONTINUE WITH THIS OR NOT**….I love you all with all my heart, Converses Rolled Down

**Got Questions?** Well I am more than willing to answer! Leave them on the review board and next time I will address them…LOVE

The stereo in Marissa's room blasted into the ears of Julie Cooper, who sat in the kitchen talking to Caleb about 'what to do with Marissa.'

"Cal, what are we going to do with that?" She pointed up towards the sound of the music.

"Ju-Ju, honestly I told you that the move was going to affect her, just give her some time to…settle into her new life." Caleb put his hand on the table; Julie added hers to the pile.

"Well, someone needs to talk to her."

"I'm not her father, Ju-Ju, you should tell her yourself," Caleb rose from his chair, kissed Julie on the forehead and headed out the door.

Julie looked absent mindedly to her new backyard at the Nichol mansion; she contemplated her options...talk to Marissa now or later.

"_Later,"_ Julie told herself, _"definitely later."_

Marissa's room was empty except for the sounds of Smile Empty Soul blasting on the stereo.

Ryan kissed her brutally; dragging her down with him onto his bed.

"I love you," his said into her lips.

"Hmmm…," was all she could manage.

He pulled back lying on his side; he pulled the hair falling in her face back behind her ear.

"I'm sorry I never told you," Marissa grabbed his hand and put it on her face, "that will never, never happen again."

"I know," Ryan whispered, stroking her face, "maybe we should wait a while before jumping back into this."

"What do you mean?" Marissa pulled back and sat up against his headboard.

"Just," Ryan sat up as well, "that maybe you need time to adjust before we get back together."

"What, back together, since when were we not together?" Marissa snapped.

"I don't know 'Rissa, it's just you're going through a lot right now, I don't want to be another pressure for you."

"Ryan, you aren't a pressure," she played with the hair on the back of his neck.

Ryan removed her hand and put it back in her lap, "I just can't be the reason you cut again."

Marissa was shocked, "I thought…I mean…I assumed that we would stay together while I was getting better."

Ryan blinked hard forcing himself to think, "I…Marissa, I just…you are…my everything, you know that."

"Then what the hell's wrong?" Marissa yelled a little louder than she intended.

Ryan rubbed his temples, this conversation was better in his mind last night.

"Ryan, what's wrong?"

"This went more smoothly when I had to go through it last night."

"What's this about?" Marissa pushed herself out of the bed, and threw her white "California" shirt over her white tank.

Ryan got up as well, tugging his wife beater over his stomach, "I want you to remember I love you when I tell you this okay?" He placed a hand on her face, tenderly caressing the soft spot placed beneath her eye.

Marissa put her hand atop his, "all right."

Ryan looked deeply into her eyes, "I think, maybe, we should stop seeing each other," her eyes departed from his, he bent down to get back directly in her eye sight, "for now, not forever."

Marissa backed away from him, "why?"

Ryan didn't bother trying to soothe her with his touch, he knew it was unwanted, "you need to focus on getting better, and it's really for the best. You know damn well that I love you, don't you dare think I don't." He came closer as to show her he meant what he was saying. "I have never felt the way about anyone, the way I feel about you. I know I don't say things the way I mean them sometimes, but I mean this. I want you to be healthy first off, and then when you're better we can be together. Right now though, I'm just another thing in your way. It's selfish of me to try to keep you here…and I want what's best for you." He took a deep breath, he had never spoken so much before, and he stood even closer to her; pulling up her face to look at his, "I love you."

Marissa looked down at the carpet, she had heard all he had said but hated every word, "yeah."

"Did you hear what I just said Marissa?"

"Yeah, yeah I did," she looked up at him.

He raised his eyebrows, as if to ask _"so?"_

Marissa shook her head and went out through the pool house doors. Ryan followed suit, catching her arm at the drive way.

"Get off me!" She screamed.

He pulled her into him tightly wrapping his arms around her, and she didn't fight it; just cried severely into his shoulder.

"Oh god Marissa, I don't want you leaving like this," Ryan ran his hand up and down her back trying to stop the tears, he had caused.

Marissa looked into his eyes, "then don't leave me."

Seth stood outside the Crab Shack, staring out into the California sunset he hated since he was little. Summer wrapped her arm around his waist, causing him to turn.

"Hey," Seth said gently.

"You okay, Cohen?"

Seth laughed, "yeah I'm fine, Roberts."

Summer kissed him on the cheek and looked out to what Seth was gazing at, "sunset kind of guy huh?"

He looked, with one eye on the sunset and one on her; beside him now, "nah actually I hate California sunsets."

"Aww, why?" Summer rubbed his arm all the way to his elbow and back again; she continued rubbing his arm until he answered.

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah," Summer laughed.

Seth looked back to the horizon, "makes me realize I got another day to live in this hell whole," he didn't look back at her to see the reaction, he already knew what was coming.

"Hell whole?" This response was not what he thought it would be.

"Yeah," he turned to her putting his arms around her waist; causing hers to move to his shoulders, "I just never had this place to share with anyone. I was alone."

"You're not now, Seth," Summer looked out to the sunset, "the sunset can remind you of us now."

"How's that supposed to help," Seth joked.

Summer hit him in the chest, and then put her hand where it had been, "seriously Cohen."

"Yeah, that's a good idea, that way I have a reason to stay here."

"You mean you wouldn't stay if it wasn't for me?"

"You, and Ryan…because this place was hell for me before him…and his what essentially got me you…and had Ryan not come, I never would have had you, and I would have left a long time ago."

Summer brushed her lips against his newly-shaved cheek, "I'm glad you didn't leave."

Seth looked down at her, "me too."

He took her lips in his; slowly pulling her as close to him as she could get.

Once the kiss ended the sunset had fallen into the dark depths of the sea, and when a new sunset was to come, it would be the first peaceful sunset of Seth Cohen's life.


	28. All Hail The Heartbreaker

**A/N:** Let me know people...I barely got any responses to my question on whether I should continue or start something else…I NEED A LOT MORE OPINIONS ON THIS…thank you though to those who did comment it truly makes my entire day that much better.

**In reference to a question:** I got a lot of questions, maybe not on this review board but in general…_"Why did Ryan say he wanted to break it off with Marissa, wouldn't that make her cut more?" _…**Answer:** Ryan knows, he has been through it himself, that when you are attached to someone, like Marissa is to Ryan, and you are a quote unquote "cutter", little things like getting mad over for example: Ryan yells at Marissa for "flirting" with another guy in front of him. If Ryan storms off, that is the normal response that would depress Marissa, because she is almost a case of manic depression. Therefore Ryan believes he is doing the right thing in "taking a break" until she is on the right medicine and has a good therapist.

Does that answer it for you, whoever asked that on here?

Alright here are the stats for me: I need people to review deep and hard on this chapter because it is truly a turning point in MY story. **So if you like it, make the reviews long and insightful!**

**Sis2ACesarSalad: **I love that you are enjoying the story more now, the reviews before were very helpful in enhancing my story. I don't think I told you not to post but if I did, I am terribly sorry I was so impolite…I went back and read your earlier reviews and honestly they were the most inspiring reviews I have ever gotten…It makes me a better writer.

**ON WITH THE SHOW….**

Marissa kissed Ryan one last time and got out of his car and walked up to the front door of her new house. She waved and smiled letting him know all was well. Ryan had changed his mind about their relationship, well, Marissa changed it for him, by kissing his neck and telling him she couldn't live without him. Marissa opened her front door, and nearly tripped over the ten suitcases stacked next to each other. She sidestepped around the misplaced bags, and screamed for her mother.

"Mom, where are you?" Marissa yelled while pulling the bags further from the door.

"In here Marissa," Julie muttered from the living room couch.

"What the hell…"

"Marissa, watch your mouth!" Julie stood and faced her now confused daughter.

"What's going on?" She pointed her head toward the suitcases.

Julie rubbed her brow, struggling to undo her headache, "Baby…"

"Don't call me baby," Marissa hissed; sensing something was wrong.

"Fine then, Marissa, you need to sit down for this."

'_Oh shit, something's going on…she isn't this nice to me when she isn't up to something. Fuck, fuck what the hell is going on here?' _Marissa thought to herself as she sat on the plush pillow on the floor.

"Marissa, darling, I am…I mean I have been considering the best way for you to…umm…recover, and Cal found this beautiful rehab center in Arizona…" Julie watched the anger and hurt in her daughter rise, "Now, listen, it is just like a school."

Marissa interrupted, "except for crazy people right?"

"No." Julie placed her hands on her hips, "It's for young teens, which need help, dealing with their…struggles."

"What makes you think I can't deal with my 'struggles' here, in Newport?" Marissa lifted herself up and stood face to face with Julie.

"Marissa, calm down, you have no choice in this matter. You need help, that you can't get here."

"The fuck I can't, Dr. Grange is here. He was going to help me through this."

"No dear, I called him and he believes that Laggards Heights is the best thing for you right now."

Marissa tore at her hair pulling herself into a crying position on the floor.

"Oh 'Rissa, you'll be better off there. If you stayed here the urge to cut would just continue to build."

Marissa looked up to her mother's hate filled eyes, "and why do you think that," she said sarcastically.

Julie pushed Marissa further into the floor, "don't you blame this shit on me."

"Excuse me?" Marissa stood; still dropping her saline tears.

"You can't blame your cuts, scars, whatever they are on anyone but yourself."

"You honestly think you had nothing to do with them?"

"I didn't put that razor to your skin; so no."

Marissa gave up the argument, "why?"

"Why are you leaving, is that what you're asking?"

"Yeah," Marissa turned her back to her mom and dried her face the best she could.

"Because," Julie stood behind Marissa and placed her hands on her shoulders; Marissa shivered at Julie's cold touch, "I found your stash of Vodka, razors, bloody cloths, and Marissa," Julie turned Marissa, so that she was facing her, "I found the drugs."

Marissa's face went white, since when was she bad at hiding things like that?

'_Oh mother fucker…she found it all. Oh my life is over as of right…now. Fuck I can't deny any of that. Laggards Heights...oh…god…I don't have a choice at all.' _Marissa dropped onto her knees and held her elbows, rocking while she cried.

"I know it all Marissa, and you can't twist me around your little finger like you do with everyone else…You are going to Laggards Heights as of seven o' clock tonight…plan leaves at seven, I know you want to go say 'bye to your friends, so get back here by five. Marissa look at me."

Marissa reluctantly looked up, "till five?"

"Yeah," Julie bent down to help Marissa up.

"What do I tell them?" Marissa wiped her nose with her wrist.

"That you are going to a rehab-school center- in Arizona, and that you are going for the best reasons," Julie rambled for a while on things Marissa could say.

Marissa interrupted, "for how long?"

Julie paused looking coldly at her, "a couple years; when you are in a safe condition to come home."

Marissa stood looking in the eyes of the women who was taking her away from her existence, her fun, her friends, and the love of her life.

"Fine, I'll be back by five."

Julie nodded, opened the front door for Marissa, and handed over the keys to the Lexus.

Seth sat on the floor of the pool house with Ryan, playing 'Halo 2', when his cell rang.

"Hello?" Seth sang into the phone.

"It's Summer," she called from the other end of the line.

"Hey, what's up?" Seth gave the 'one sec', sign and walked out the pool house doors.

"Seth, Marissa is over at my house right now."

Seth interrupted, "I really don't want to hear about your lesbian 'experimentations'."

Summer didn't laugh, "she's really upset."

Seth continued joking, "and that's new because?"

"Seth, this isn't a joke."

He gulped down his last bit of Pepsi, "what's wrong with her, and why are you telling me?"

"She's being shipped off to Arizona to a quote 'Institution slash school'."

Silence took hold of their line.

"Seth," Summer whispered.

Silence.

"Yeah?"

"She has to leave tonight," sniffs of tears came from her end.

"Why," Seth exhaled, he turned toward the pool and closer to the lawn chairs so Ryan wouldn't hear him talking.

"Julie, she found all Marissa's stuff," Summer consulted with someone else in her room, "like her razors…" she paused realizing what she was saying, "her bottles of Vodka, her cloths for the blood, and…apparently Marissa was using too."

"Who's with you?"

"Marissa," Summer took a solid breath, "she wants you not to say anything to Ryan, until she gets there."

"No problem; how is she?"

"She's a wreck, Cohen."

"How are you?"

"How do you think I am?" Summer cried.

"Oh Sum," Seth sat on the available lawn chair.

"Why? I mean she could have gotten better here."

"I know, but maybe this will help her, like we can't."

"Well, she's got to go, she just wanted me to tell you…" she paused, "that. I'll call you later…" Summer argued with the other voice in her room, "alright, so just go tell Ryan you're going to sleep, Marissa says she is going straight to the pool house next."

"Ok, I love you."

"Love you too, 'bye."

Seth folded his phone shut and starred at the caller id box, wanting so much for Summer to call back and tell him it was just a cruel joke. He walked, as cheerfully as he could manage; back into the pool house where Ryan was reading a comic he had set out.

"You okay man?" Ryan saw what looked like the remains of tears.

"What?" Seth saw Ryan was looking at the tears; he wiped his face, "nah fine man, Summer just told me a really, really funny joke."

"Oh," Ryan nodded skeptically.

"Well, dude I am headed to the hay sack."

Ryan looked at his watch, "it's four o' clock man."

"Damn, I better hurry, I've missed my nap dead line," Seth ran out and up to his room.

"Freak," Ryan laughed as he turned the 'Halo 2' to livewire.

Seth sat next to Mr. Oats on the floor of his room, playing with the cord that ran to his television.

"Ryan's going to be crushed," he sighed, "Mr. Oats, you ganna be okay with Marissa leaving."

He tried as hard as he could to make himself laugh but nothing struck him as funny; not even the Conan O'Brien Show. He turned the DVD of Conan off, and lay on his bed. His arms were crossed over his chest as if he was being buried alive in his own room. He suffocated on his bottomless tears; he attempted to tell jokes over and over in his head to stop the tears.

Ryan sat on his bed; fighting with the game controller; he started to curse at the television for 'giving him a raw deal,' when a mild knock came at his door.

"Come on in man, I'm on," he looked up to see a ragged Marissa standing in his doorway, soaking wet from the impulsive rain that took over all of California, "Marissa?"

He walked over helping her into his room, "you alright?"

Marissa sat on the edge of his bed, as Ryan went to get her a towel.

"Here," he said as he laid the towel over her shrinking shoulders, "you okay?"

Marissa glanced sideways to Ryan, "I don't know how to tell you."

"What?" He scooted closer pulling the towel more tightly around her.

"I have to leave, for real this time, no going back," Marissa lightened her touch on the towel and pulled his hand atop hers.

"What?" Ryan stifled his cry.

"I have to go to Laggards Heights, in Arizona," she waited for Ryan to interrupt but he didn't so she continued, "its rehabilitation center."

"For a couple months, right?" Ryan considered her eyes for the response.

She paused, "no, for Junior year, Senior year, and possibly for most of college…the Rio Salado College in Arizona offers college classes for us while the Heights..."

"You would stay at the Heights?" He stroked her back with his palm hoping he would feel nothing, and this would just be a dream; or rather a nightmare.

"Yeah, but you can write me all the time and…" she turned her face to his but he wasn't finding a solution in letters

"It's not the same 'Rissa." Ryan stood up and onto the hard wood floor, "so, you are really leaving**_ me_** this time?"

Marissa was paralyzed by his callous words, "don't think of it as me leaving you."

Ryan shook his head, "sorry, I'm being egotistical…you need this, and I see that…now." He turned to her and began wiping the frigid rain drops off her arms with his temperate hands.

"I promise to come back to you…as soon as I can," Marissa spoke sensitively.

Ryan placed his forehead on hers, "I know," he said voicelessly before kissing her, and filling her with all the warmth she would ever need.

At four thirty Ryan drove Marissa to Caleb and Julie's house, for she was no longer living there so it wasn't her house. They sat inside his car with her hand in his, on Caleb's stone paved drive way. Music occupied the car, and ears of the lovers.

'_**I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways **_

_**My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days **_

_**I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes **_

_**To a whole new world that had since been in disguise **_

_**But that day will most likely never come for me **_

_**And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck **_

_**to everything you are **_

_**So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures **_

_**And overanalyze your words **_

_**But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard **_

_**It's taken everything in me **_

_**just to forget your sweater so far **_

_**I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world **_

_**But your indecisive mind shows me that **_

_**you are "just another girl" **_

_**I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real **_

_**What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams? **_

_**maybe then you'd know how I feel **_

_**But that day will most likely never come for me **_

_**And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck **_

_**to everything you are **_

_**So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures **_

_**And overanalyze your words **_

_**But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard **_

_**It's taken everything in me **_

_**just to forget your sweater so far **_

_**I can honestly say **_

_**that I never, ever, ever felt this way **_

_**Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin **_

_**These are the parts of your body **_

**_That causes my comatose to begin (x2)_**

_**I will sleep another day **_

_**I don't really need to anyway **_

_**What's the point when my dreams are infected? **_

_**with words you used to say **_

_**I will breathe in a moment **_

_**As long as I keep my distance **_

_**I wouldn't want to go messing anything up **_

_**So don't go worrying about me **_

_**It's not like I think about you constantly **_

_**So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect **_

**_Your life anymore _**

**_I knew it the moment you walked into the door (x2)_**

_**I'll let you get the best of me **_

**_Because there's nothing else that I do well (x2)_**

_**I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker **_

_**I guess that's how this one's gonna go**_

_**I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker **_

_**You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim **_

_**"All hail the heartbreaker"'

* * *

**_

**Disclaimer:** Laggards Heights is not a real place…I made up a name but the background information was from a true rehabilitation center located in Arizona called **Gatehouse Academy**…I changed some aspects but not all...**'Halo 2'** is also not my creation I just used a popular game for "Ryan and Seth" to be playing. Obviously **THE OC** isn't mine either!

SONG: _"All Hail The Heartbreaker"_ **The Spill Canvas**


	29. Cliche Lines

**A/N:** I feel a whole lot better about the reviews I am getting…I was just worried my story didn't met the caliber of the other stories that deal with cutting. Anyway I got some reviews to answer if you ask something I will answer I am just like that…Here are the answers:

**newportbabe44:** When I said "using" in the last chapter I meant like using drugs and no one really knew about that, sorry if I confused you…I just figured I was blunt enough but obviously I wasn't but do you understand now?

**Kyle's Gal :-) Who's At Peace With Him:** New reviewer YAY! I am skipping ahead a couple years, six to be exact…this takes place after Marissa had graduated from Laggard Heights and is now going to Grad school in New York, but the mystery is where is she in New York…Check this chapter out and let me know if it went anything like you expected.

**ocRM4eva: **You didn't really have to wait that long…ha ha…I hope you like the speedy update its just for ya'. lol

**Welcometotheoc:** You asked "why Seth was crying?"….He was crying because he felt the emptiness that Ryan will feel when Marissa leaves, that and Marissa was his friend too.

**NewportChick:** I didn't even think of adding Oliver to the picture…hummm…scratches chin LOL enjoy an Oliver-free chapter. :-)

**OC Obsessive:** I update quickly because of fans like you! ;-)

**juzadream:** >**"btw, I did leave my opinion!" **Yes, yes you did, and I am glad that I have you out there to get so into my story!

**BrSoccerChic89:** >**"You know how when you're reading a fic and it's so descriptive that you read it really slow to try and catch everything? Exactly. So, good job. I hope you do go on with the story, cuz I've been through every single chapter with ya. I'll admit it was harder for me to read through the "cutting" chapters cuz I'm not really into dark stuff, but it was still good writing." **One of my best, and most consistent reviewers ladies and gents, I love you BrSoccerChic89; you rock my converses' off!

**occhick31:** Thanks for reading…glad you are looking forward to this update…here you go.

**i-luv-the-oc-and-smallville: **This chapter is dedicated to you, for finding my mistake that embarrasses me! LOL I am glad you read closely enough to spot that for me…I know his name is Captain Oats, I was just not paying any attention I am glad you found that THANKS…HERE IS **i-luv-the-oc-and-smallvilles' chapter……------->**

**six years later**

Marissa struggled to grab her last bag out of the van, smiling a sarcastic 'thank you' to the driver who sat in the drivers' seat not moving. He turned when he felt the last weight of a bag balanced his van.

"Sorry lady I didn't really want to strain my back got a big flag football game this weekend," the man wiped the mustard out of the corner of his mouth, "I can get you a dolly to haul all that shit up to your gate."

"I'd appreciate it," she checked his name tag, "…Gil."

Gil leaned against the van looking Marissa up and down, "so…"

Marissa was rapidly growing uncomfortable, "so that dolly, you going to get it or not?"

Gil nodded and walked into the airport looking for a dolly. Ever since she graduated from Laggards Heights' college offer, from Rio Salado College, she was a little bit tougher around the edges.

She was the only graduate not to make it to the ceremony Laggards' was holding. Celebrating the beginning of a sober life was not something Marissa would enjoy. She was on a plane out to New York, though she would rather head back to Newport. After senior year at Laggards' she and Ryan had a huge fight, through the use of letters; she was not allowed the phone the week the fight started. Summer had talked about Senior Prom, in Newport and how she wished Marissa could go, but that Ryan was taking someone else. The 'someone else' thing shouldn't have been a big deal had it not been Holly Fisher. Marissa called Ryan and she labeled him as insensitive, and he crossed the line and called her 'a crazy'. Though to anyone else those words could have easily been forgiven, to Marissa these struck her hard. How could someone who, supposedly, loved her; call her 'a crazy'? She hadn't talked to anyone; except her dad, mom, and Caitlin; from Newport in over four years. Summer never called or wrote after the fight with Ryan, why the fight affected her, Marissa really didn't know. Her new life was in New York, her past was in Newport, and never shall the two collide.

Ryan sat in his room, looking out the iced over window to the cement fountain that was placed in the center of his dormitory complex. He watched new, and eager students walk into the building reading every poster on the message board. He laughed at how, when the kids came out of the building they somehow looked more sophisticated, than when they had entered.

Seth opened the door to his and Ryan's dorm with a kick of his foot. Seth was a tad bit taller than he used to be, and his hair was to the tip of his earlobes. Seth had matured, but not much he still brought his comic books, Captain Oats ( a thank you goes out to: **i-luv-the-oc-and-smallville** for correcting my embarrassing mistake), and several cases of pudding.

"Yo man, help a brother out," Seth said from behind the pudding case he was carrying.

Ryan laughed and carried the rest of Seth's belongings up the one case stairs, "there you go."

"You seen Sum?"

Ryan, Seth, and Summer all attended the same college, though it was much more of a struggle to get Summer in the school as opposed to Ryan and Seth.

"Nah, haven't seen her man," Ryan sat back on the window sill continuing to watch the students mature in a matter of seconds.

Seth placed a reassuring hand on Ryan's shoulder, "move on man."

Ryan's anger built, "what do you mean?"

"She's gone, and she isn't coming back to you. Someone has to make you realize that."

Ryan grabbed a beanie off the hat rack and stormed out passing Summer on his way down the stairs.

Summer leaned into the rail to let him pass her, "Chino? Where are you going?"

Ryan just nodded and walked out the dormitory entry hall.

Summer shrugged, and walked into the room that Seth was living in now.

"Hey," she spoke delicately, not truly knowing what all was said between Seth and Ryan.

Seth turned to the sound of her voice, "Hey Sum."

Summer looked at their door; she tenderly stroked the freshly painted wood, "what happened Seth?"

Seth bit his lower lip and let out a long awaited breath, "I told him to move on; that she wasn't coming back to him."

Summer swung her weight to one side, letting her hand slap her thigh, then brought her other hand to her waist, "well fuck, no wonder he's pissed."

Seth sat on his mattress that Ryan had laid across the bed frame, "I know." Seth pulled both hands through his long locks.

Summer closed the door and sat next to Seth on the frayed mattress, "why did you say that Seth, you know he still loves her."

"Does he, is that why he called her crazy? Because he loves her, huh Summer?" Seth looked at her through his hands.

Summer pulled his hands down and into hers, "he was angry…haven't you ever said something when you were angry that you regretted saying?"

Seth raised his eyebrows, "yeah, plenty of times."

"Well, it's just like that," Summer ran her fingers through his hair, stopping to look in his eyes, "its ganna take him a while to get her out of his head."

"Have you talked to her since…Ryan and she broke up?" Seth stood collecting his things and putting them where he wanted them.

"No, actually, I was afraid to talk to her…seeing as I started the whole thing."

Seth stopped and glanced at Summer, "what are you talking about?"

"I kind of told her about Ryan going to Prom with Holly."

Seth hit his forehead, "oh god Summer, does Ryan know you were the one that told her?"

"I…" Summer looked at her hands and played with her rings, then looked to Seth, "I don't think so."

"Oh god…" Seth sat next to her, not aware of the mess they had started to unravel.

Marissa sat at a coffee shop tapping rapidly on the cup; she was suppose to met some person here who was going to show her around campus. Suddenly a breeze of cold was thrown her way and the door burst open and a smile formed on the figures face.

'_That's them I assume.' _Marissa thought.

The person finally came into clear view. Tall guy, black spiky hair, a lip ring, and it looked like eye liner under his eyes.

"Hey, what's up? My name's Mateo," he pulled his hand out of his pocket and offered it to Marissa.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Marissa," she smiled, and let go of his hand.

"I'll be showin' you around, I guess," he smiled wide, his teeth where perfectly straight and white.

Marissa walked out of the café after him; he held the door and let her go out first, "thanks." Marissa blushed a little as he was so close when she was getting out the door; he smiled down at her as she passed.

"How old are you?" Mateo asked as they headed to the campus grounds.

"Almost twenty-two…you are…?"

"Twenty five," Mateo smiled and looked forward to their destination, "first time in the big NY?"

Marissa laughed, "yeah."

Mateo put his arm around her shoulders, "welcome." He smiled then returned his arm to its position by his side.

Marissa walked up to the admissions office with Mateo and he helped her enroll in the easier courses.

Ryan leaned against a stone wall, smoking his first cigarette in almost seven years. He blew out the smoke and closed his eyes imagining the smoke flowing over _her _face. Even if she wasn't the same person now, he didn't know if she was different, the same, not alive, he desperately wanted to see her face. He really was worried she was in a crack house somewhere cold, alone, and lifeless. He had no idea she was using, no one did…she had this whole other life; she was this whole other person that no one saw.

He knew deep inside she was the Marissa he loved, still loves. He thought of how she smiled, how she felt in his arms, how her lips felt in his, and he thought of how she cried. He would kiss all her tears away if she was in front of him now. He opened his eyes, and watched a couple, holding hands, cross the street laughing at the honking cars they had cut in front of. God, how he wanted Marissa back with him…he knew she was no longer his, and he had no right to be craving for her. He put the cigarette to his palm, burning the flame out with his cold hands. No, grimaces of pain came across his face, no scream of ache came out, no longing looks of hatred for himself could be seen; only the look of a lost boy stuck inside a man. Ryan pulled the dark blue beanie further over his ears; the wind was biting without sympathy for his broken heart.

He walked against the wind toward a safe heaven, for which to catch his breath in; he spotted a nice boutique on the corner and jogged inside. Once inside he shook the cold off and sat in a display chair. His eyes slowly shut on him, and his hands feel at his side. The clerk didn't bother trying to wake him, he saw the pain in Ryan's eyes when he entered, and remembered feeling that way when his wife died. Ryan took rapid breaths, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall from his deep ocean colored eyes. His fist clenched, and rammed into the arm rest on the chair, he heard wood splitting and opened his eyes; he had busted through the chair.

The clerk made his way to him, "you alright sonny?" The old man bent over Ryan, who still lay in shock in the chair.

"I'm so sorry," Ryan got out of the chair and looked around for something to fix it.

The old man took a hold of his arm, "its ok boy, that chair was bound to brake, it's as old as I am."

"I feel awful," Ryan looked down at the old man, who was holding his face.

"You have a job?"

"No, sir," Ryan answered.

"Well, you can work off the debt if you really feel that awful."

"I will," Ryan shifted his feet rotating the broken tile that lay under him.

"Okay, then," the old man got behind his desk and searched the contents of a brown leather bond book, "what's your name?"

"Ryan Atwood."

"You live here Mr. Atwood?"

"Yes, sir I go to school out here."

"How old are you?" The old man leaned over the book and pointed at Ryan.

"Twenty-two, sir," Ryan leaned against a stool that was in front of the counter.

"No need to call me sir, my name is Conroy, call me that."

"Okay," Ryan shrugged his shoulders, "Conroy."

"Now, I would like you to start working this coming Monday, I am the only other person who works here so there will be plenty for you to do…Your hours will be," he checked the book again, "five to eight."

Ryan looked at his watch, "I have classes in the morning everyday except Thursday, I have a class at four to five, but I guess I could still make it here."

"Oh no, boy, you're only working on Mondays."

Ryan lifted his eyebrows, "okay?"

"I don't need a hoodlum here all the time, bothering me," Conroy brought out an old green colored wooden broom and began to clean the flakes of wood Ryan shattered onto the floor.

"Alright then I'll be here Monday," Ryan pushed lightly on the door, he didn't want it too shatter as well, and walked back into the streets. The sign to the boutique read, "Gladys' Home Furnishings", and the lights faded out as Ryan walked further away.

Summer sat inside the warm bar, waiting for Seth to return from his long trip to the bathroom. He took forever; he didn't want to contract any disease so he was very careful, which made him take forever. The bartender approached Summer and smiled.

"What do you need gorgeous?"

Summer stared him down, "nothing," she looked back to the bathrooms.

"Ah, I see you're gay," the bartender nodded.

"No you asshole, I have a boyfriend, he just hates public bathrooms."

The bartender leaned over the bar, "you sure he ain't gay?"

"Shut up," Summer got up and walked to the one room bathroom, "Seth?"

"Yeah," a voice squeaked from behind the door.

"Hurry up, I hate this place," she glanced back to the bartender.

"Alright hang on this toilet paper isn't coming out."

"What are you using to get it out?"

"Foot," he yelled back.

"Get out here NOW!" she screamed.

Seth could be heard rapidly doing random things behind the door.

It opened within five seconds, and Seth held onto Summer, "don't go in there, its disgusting."

Summer laughed, and scowled at the bartender as they walked out.

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**Disclaimer:** HA HA HA...how is that for a mystierious chapter? I own no OC characters however I do own the characters of Mateo and Conroy....Mateo will end up acting alot like Zach in this season....dont hate his character!!! lol...but if you must...then well, you must lol! Conroy's character is based off my grandfather's personality, hard to crack on the outside, but gentle and caring on the inside. I hope you enjoy the new characters!! R&R everyone!! 


	30. Cold Night Heard 'Round the World

**A/N:** One of my shortest posts ever!!! I am sorry but I didn't have much time today…I love all my reviewers so much that I typed furiously for three hours to get this chapter right, and set up for my next entry…Enjoy this…I will try to post tomorrow but I don't know if I can because its ganna be CHRISTMAS EVE!! YAY!! I love you all; Have a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa…whatever you celebrate make it Merry!

**Disclaimer:** I own only a worn out pair of socks… :-( …lol I know I'm weird I need therapy…

When Summer waltzed up the stairs she heard yelling coming from Seth and Ryan's room, so she ducked behind a white pillar, listening intently to the bellows.

"Settle down!" Seth shouted.

"How can I Seth?"

Seth sighed loudly.

"She told Marissa I went to Prom with Holly, for Christ sake!" Ryan pointed out the door, and Summer wrapped her body closer to the pillar.

"You did though…" Seth could be heard pacing the floor.

"I went with Holly, only because she didn't have a date…Summer had to have said something else to Marissa."

"To what, ruin your perfect relationship with Marissa?" Seth said sarcastically, as he came face to face with Ryan.

Ryan stepped back and fell against the wall, descending down it until he was sitting with his delicate fingers searching through his hair. "I didn't know Holly was the one that was sleeping with Luke…if I did…I would have never…," Ryan leaned his head back onto the wall and looked at Seth, "I ruined it didn't I?"

Summer looked out to the stair case and watched people stare at her as she began to cry small tears, for Ryan, for Marissa, a little for herself.

Seth sat beside Ryan in their dorm telling him sweet lies of how 'Marissa is better off now', 'there are other people out there.' Summer listened only slightly to the dishonesty Seth was spewing and knew the only thing that broke the "perfect" couple up was her uncomplicated words of "he is taking Holly…since you can't get out of Arizona." Perhaps, if she had told Ryan about the past between Marissa and Holly, he wouldn't have gone at all.

'_Holly changed; she wasn't the same as when she slept with Luke. Marissa didn't see that for herself…It's not my fault…It's not my fault…It's not my fault…It's not my fault Ryan is in there crying…I don't think I have ever seen a boy cry before, well, Seth cried during 'Gone With The Wind', but he's different…It's not my fault Marissa isn't in touch with me at all…It's not my fault she wouldn't ever return mine or Ryan's calls…' _Summer took herself down the stairs and walked out in the cold, frosted air to the fountain; where she sat and contemplated what to do about all this hell she had "not" caused.

Marissa sat in her dorm room, watching the walls slowly cave in on her.

'_Shitty foundation'_ she thought.

The bed she timidly lay upon creaked under the light pressure her body caused; her roommate had backed out, deciding that school was too much of a stress for her. The room was all to Marissa, unless she decided she wanted another roommate. The sinister moon's beam shone directly in her window, causing her to sit and take notice of her view. A fountain of a man conquering a small victory, by shoving a golden flag into the weak brick, smiled at her from two stories down. She leaned out the window watching the air beat on a figure that sat on the fountain. Small whines of a broken soul lifted into her ears, and Marissa wasn't one to just sit and watch pain explode. She wrapped herself in a warm wool blanket and walked down the icy steps to the wrecked spirit. She coughed a "hello" and took a sit next to them.

"Hey, you alright?" Marissa asked curious as to why a college kid would get so depressed.

"Fine," the figure snapped, then turned looking her in the eyes, "my god…Marissa?"

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how did yall' like it.....I want some honesty...lol...did I write this well? I can't critique my own writing I end up hating it...I need some strangers opinions lol....LEAVE THEM..press that pretty blue button and leave some nice things 


	31. Confonting Her Past

**A/N:** I'm surprised I wrote this much…I will write more after church because I am really into it right now…it's intense…lol…Thank you for all the kind reviews…my day was bad this morning, and all the reviews made me smile, and proud of myself. I am really glad you all are enjoying it! Hey check out **KC-chick's** stories…they rock hard, they are very real, and raw…my favorite kind! And yay for **fikuz**…my new reader…glad you're into my dark piece! And **Sis2ACesarSalad**…Glad you got over my rudeness and still read my story, that's big of you…**LaLa456** is one of the greatest writers on this site, check her out, she writes for a bunch of different shows...including The OC

**One Question to address:** **Juzadream**_ > "Wasn't Ryan with Marissa when she caught Luke making out with Holly?" _Hey, Juzadream, nah Ryan wasn't there, Marissa just told him she saw Luke with another girl…the only person, besides Marissa, Luke, and Holly, that knew who Luke was with was Summer. Marissa didn't make it public that Holly was the one Luke was with…there was a portion of one chapter in which Holly writes a note to Marissa saying that at the party wasn't the first time she and Luke "hooked up", yet Holly had changed after Marissa's near death experience # 2…and Ryan thought that they would still be friends…and he wasn't into Holly, and didn't think Marissa would be angry with him for taking her friend to Prom, he's a boy he doesn't understand girls when they get in a fight, they say sorry but still hold a tight grudge…this chapter should clear up a lot of this issue…**On with the show…**

Summer took Marissa into a tight hug, making sure she wasn't dreaming, "my god…its you."

Marissa reluctantly returned the hug, "yeah."

"What are you doing here?" Summer back out of the hug taking her friends hands, then let them go noticing her strange uncomfortable face.

"School," Marissa rubbed her neck.

She watched Marissa eyes dart from point to point never stopping to look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry," Summer choked out, envisioning Ryan's face; if he ever saw Marissa again.

Marissa shifted awkwardly, "about what?" She finally looked into Summer's murky eyes.

"You know, Marissa, for telling you about Ryan and Holly, going to Prom together," Summer watched the contortion of ache cross Marissa's face.

"It's not your fault, Summer," she played with her hands, pulling the bracelets up and down her bony wrist.

"Yes, it is," Summer pulled Marissa's chin up, so they were eye to eye.

"What do mean? Ryan's the one that took her to Prom," Marissa was wounded in merely saying his beautiful name.

"He didn't know about Luke and her," Summer pulled her coat further over her body, "he knew Luke cheated, you told him that, but he didn't know it was with Holly."

Marissa shrugged; she didn't want her past messing with her future.

"Holly changed Marissa, and nothing happened with Ryan and her. She didn't have a date, and you couldn't get out of Laggards; so he took her."

"I really don't care," Marissa stood attempting to leave before she blew up.

Summer grabbed at Marissa's fading wrist, "yes, you do."

"No, I really don't," Marissa pulled her wrist out of Summer's grip.

Marissa's blue eyes were vanishing, while a slow increasing red covered them, "don't do this Marissa."

"Do what? Walk away from the life I got institutionalized for? Sorry, should I not have moved on?" Marissa stormed off in the direction of her dorm room, leaving Summer as broken as she was before.

"Marissa, wait," Summer caught up to her before the door to the dorms closed.

"What?" She snapped.

"Can we just talk about it?"

"I'm sick of talking about it, I talked about it for six years, and I'm over it. I'm over him," she stood looking deep into Summer's brown, affectionate eyes.

"I can't let you walk away."

"And why the hell not," Marissa's hand moved from the door knob to her hip.

"He…he isn't the same…I'm not the same, since you left…everything…was hell when you left."

"You didn't seem to mine not calling me," Marissa stood stone hearted, and for a good reason.

Summer struggled to breath, "I did call…"

"What?"

"I did call; they wouldn't let me talk to you."

"Are you fucking with me?"

Summer was taken aback by her strong words, "no."

Marissa sat back down at the fountain, "why would they do that?"

"I don't know, but they wouldn't let Ryan talk to you either."

"They can't restrict my calls…" Marissa rattled with her brain, "unless…"

"Unless what?"

Marissa looked sideways at Summer, "unless my mom told them I couldn't talk to…she…she told them to not let you, or Ryan talk to me."

"Why…I mean why would she do that? I thought that she was…better."

Marissa pulled at her wool blanket, "I guess…not. I told her about my fight with Ryan, and I told her it kind of started by…you," she dared not look at Summer.

"Oh," Summer tried to hold her salty tears within; but nothing was working, so she let them pour out onto the iced-over brick.

"Oh, Summer, don't cry please," Marissa threw her arms around Summer and cried along with her.

"You think, she thought…that we made you want to cut?"

Marissa paused, _'You were.' _she thought. "Yeah, I do."

"Were we?"

Marissa wiped her face with the wool, and looked out to the New York lights, "yeah," she said reluctantly.

Summer looked off into the windows of the building next door, "I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you needed."

Marissa felt guilty for making Summer feel like shit, "no, you were always a good friend to me, Summer."

Summer looked at her friend, "no, I was a selfish bitch half the time," she decided she was going to be truthful with Marissa, tell her how she felt, "You know, I…felt like you were a coward, when I found out you cut," she diverted her eyes, "then, I told Ryan it was his fault you cut. I never understood you…I guess I never really tried...Seth showed me how rude I was to him; I can't imagine what kind of friend I was to you. I…never thought you were hurting, I thought your life was perfect…Sometimes its hard for me to talk about like…how I feel or whatever…so bare with me okay?" Summer looked at her cuticles, and then to Marissa, who nodded. "I thought everything you were…was…perfect, I thought, beyond any doubt, that you had the best life. You had the perfect dad, who loved you and would do anything to make sure you were happy. You had Luke, who seemed to be a great guy…then you got Ryan, who loved…loves you more than anything. My life was a…" Summer wiped the forming tears, "Marissa, my life was a lie. I never liked any of the guys I went out with, and my dad…sure he was loaded…but he didn't love me like your dad loves you…I thought 'oh Marissa has nothing to cut over.' I didn't see you for who you really were…you hurt, you cried, you tried to kill yourself. I love you Marissa, you will always be the best friend I ever had, even if you hate my guts…because watching you go through all…that…made me realize that…nothing, no one, is perfect, that life is worth living, that love is out there…I know you probably think I am just talking out my ass," Summer laughed.

"No, Summer, I had no idea you felt like that." Marissa took her hand and gulped down her own tears.

"I'm glad you're better now. I'm glad you've moved on, but you can't just forget us…your past." Summer looked up to the moon, watching it cradle the stars.

"I know that." Marissa let go of Summer's hand and cleaned her forehead of its tension.

"Please, just go see him…he has been a mess since you wouldn't answer his calls…You know at Prom he left early and drove to Arizona to see you."

Marissa looked back at her friend, "he did?"

FLASHBACK

Ryan drove as fast as he could, fifteen hours on the road without stopping. He paused outside Laggards Heights, watching the lights to little rooms fade. He parked outside the gate, not wanting to waste time finding a place to park. The doors the Laggards Heights, rusted and broken, opened easily for him as if God wanted him to see her as fast as possible. The nurses' desk told him to wait while they checked to see if he had an appointment. Of course he didn't, he just drove fifteen hours driven by guilt, and love. The head nurse, Halley, came out to greet him, and talk about why he was there.

"I need to see her," Ryan's face was dripping with new and old tears.

"You don't have an appointment Ryan."

"I know but I really, really need to see her…I just…I can't leave until I've seen her." Ryan tried to get past Halley, struggling for the doors.

"Ryan, you can't see her."

"Can I just talk to her for a little while?"

"No."

"Halley, I just drove all the way here, I'm not leaving without telling her…" Ryan fought once again to break through the doors.

"You don't have an appointment, you'll affect her whole day…and you know she can't handle that right now."

"Why can't I see her, I mean what is wrong with me talking to her for five minutes?"

"We have rules."

"Rules that say I can't see my girlfriend?"

"Rules, Marissa's mother set up…so, you can't see her…ever."

"Come on Halley."

"Ryan, leave."

"Can I write her? I need to do something," he hit the wall with his fist, and fell into the waiting room couch, crying openly into his hands.

Halley sat next to him, "write her Ryan, I'll give it to her."

"You will?" Ryan eyed her suspiciously.

"Yes, but if Mrs. Cooper finds out I'll be fired," she looked around her for anyone who might be listening.

"Got paper?" Ryan smiled.

END OF FLASHBACK

"I never got a letter," Marissa thought of the day, Summer claimed Ryan came.

"And Halley wasn't at work anymore was she?" Summer said mysteriously.

"…no."

"Another nurse found the letter, shredded it, and called your mother…think of who the head nurse was after Halley left."

"Nicole…" Marissa was caught up in the moment and slammed back into the fountain, causing her head to bleed moderately.

Summer stood and helped Marissa to her feet, "come on, you're bleeding."

"No, I want to know what that letter said," she pulled Summer back next to her on the fountain.

"I thought you didn't care."

Marissa glared.

"Sorry," Summer smiled sheepishly, "I didn't realize you cared so much."

"You're turning into Cohen," Marissa laughed, she hadn't laughed in a while, it felt like old times…the good ones.

FLASHBACK

Ryan sat on the sofa pulling the pad of paper close to him, "thank you Halley."

"Hurry up," she looked and when she didn't see anyone she grinned.

'**Dear Marissa, **

**I am sorry for everything. I tried to come see you, but they wouldn't let me in. I love you, and that will never change. When I first saw you I felt something I have never felt before. I am not about to let you go, for anything. I only took Holly to Prom, because she didn't have a date, and I didn't know it would affect you the way it did. We have been through so much together, that I didn't think taking a friend to Prom would make you that upset. The words I said to you were uncalled for, and I hurt every time I breathe because of the things I said. I love everything about you, I know I don't usually said stuff like this but after what I called you I feel like you should know how I really feel about you. I love your crooked smile, your beautiful face that lights up when you're happy, I love your voice, and the way it sounds when you tell me you love me. I love who you are, and chose to be, I love that you don't give a shit about what other people think. I love that you're delicate, and that you feel strong in my arms. I'm sorry for everything I did to hurt you, and I hope you can forgive me for being a jackass. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I know I might have fucked everything up with what I said, but I will never love anyone the way I love you…if I have to go my whole life without you…I will never feel love again. You are my everything, and I am sorry I ever doubted that. **

**Love, Ryan'**

"You done?" Halley asked as Ryan walked up to the counter.

"Yeah, thanks Halley," Ryan sat on the chair in front of the desk, "how is she?"

"Doing better, but she was a wreck last night," Halley folded the letter and put it in her coat pocket, "she cried the whole night."

"I was such a jerk," Ryan drew his hand through his sandy colored hair.

"Yeah," Halley smiled.

END OF FLASHBACK


	32. He Doesn't Know Love

**A/N:** What's up kiddos? I wrote the most I could but my Christmas was so awesome…got the season one DVD of Popular…god I miss that show…I already had the OC one…god I miss that show too right now LOL…Anyways I wrote a lot for it being Christmas so are you proud? Check out any of **Newportbabe44's** stories they really capture the show…also **KC-chick **is a great writer as well…Well all my reviewers are really good writers…**Juzadream**…**Welcometotheoc**…I could go on forever…and as always** LALA456**…never disappoints…Later…

**Anna:** Glad you like it…glad you finally reviewed lol…thanks…yeah I was worried I might have moved too fast but glad you don't think I did…LOVE, Converses Rolled Down

**Newportbabe44: **THANKS…I am trying out new writing styles for you guys…last chapter seemed to go over well so I just went with that style again!

**KC-Chick:** Pleased that you finished reading this story…it's a long sucker but I can't find a real reason to end it…I might make a sequel but so far I like it multi-multi chaptered lol

**Juzadream:** Hey I added Julie in this chapter JUST for you…hope it's to your satisfaction…

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Marissa nodded while Summer recounted the words Ryan wrote to her, "that's all I remember him telling me, you know he thought you hated him. He still does," Summer finished. 

"I thought I hated him too," Marissa rubbed her palm with her thumb, concentrating hard on her life line.

"He loves you, and I think maybe…its best you don't see him for a while," Summer paused, taking in all she had just said to Marissa, "he needs to try life without you…you seem to have moved on and if he sees that you have it will tear him up…he needs to try to move on."

"I don't understand, just a while ago you were begging me to see him."

"Yeah, but I wasn't thinking of you…now I am considering your feelings, which I should have done a long time ago." Summer grabbed the hand Marissa was so closely studying, "unless you haven't truly moved on."

"Are you asking me if I still love him?" Marissa stood up hastily, angry.

Summer stood up as well, "yeah."

"I don't know; don't do this, "Marissa walked back to the dorm entry door.

"You're going to have to decide, we go to the same school; you're going to see him eventually…You can't avoid this."

"And if I want to?" Marissa asked irritably.

"You know you can't Coop."

"I'm not doing that to myself anymore."

"Doing what, having someone love you?"

"You think you know me so well…You don't know me at all."

"That's right because the Marissa I know wouldn't walk away from love."

Marissa walked up to Summer, so close it frightened Summer into sitting on the fountain, "What he HAD for me was not love…I learned the difference between love and lust."

"What did that place do to you?"

"Cleared my mind Summer, made me see the things that ruined my life," Marissa sat next to Summer once again; about to brake the tough shell she had earned at Laggards Heights.Summer took her into a hug, knowing words weren't what Marissa needed right now.

Seth sat with Ryan playing a video game, like old times. Summer had disappeared, Seth had called her cell but didn't get an answer, and eleven calls were enough so he settled with Ryan on the newly carpeted floor.

"Ahh, Ahh, who's your daddy?" Seth yelped.

"I'm not real sure," Ryan smiled.

"There's that Atwood smile, I see once a year."

"Shut up," he hit Seth's shoulder and got the edge in the game.

"No, real violence," Seth yelled.

"Couldn't help myself," Ryan laughed.

Seth rubbed his arm, "there goes my chance for the football team."

"You didn't have a chance to begin with," Ryan grinned again, this time not quite as wide.

"Man, you ever wonder what's going on back in Newport?"

Julie sat at her kitchen table sorting out the cash; Caleb had given her to shop with.

"Only five hundred, Cal," Julie whined.

"Yes, dear, I'm running low due to your expenses," Caleb kissed her forehead and left without another word.

"Bored out of my mind," Julie said pretty much to no one.

The door bell rang, the "Who's The Boss" theme song, and she walked elegantly to the front door, letting Luke in.

"Luke," she stated.

"Mrs. Nichol," he began kissing her lips with fury, not stopping even as they walked up to her bedroom.

Kirsten drank her coffee dark; now that the boys were gone she needed something to keep her awake.

"Hey," Sandy said as he kissed her cheek, "dark again huh?"

"Unless you have pep pills, this is the only thing to keep me moving."

Sandy laughed into his coffee cup, hardened with sugar, "heard from Seth last night."

"You did?" Kirsten put the newspaper to the side eying her husband.

"Ryan had a brake down; apparently Seth brought up Marissa, and told Ryan to move on."

"Aww, poor Ryan," Kirsten sipped her coffee again, squinting at its bitterness.

"Yeah well," Sandy brushed his eyebrows, trying to keep them under control, "I don't know how long that boy is going to last."

"What do you mean?"

"He's a mess Kirsten, his grades are dropping…"

Kirsten interrupted, "it's his first year at NYU, give him some time."

"He had time, when he took two years off," Sandy slammed his cup into the dish washer and sat at the kitchen table.

"Ryan just needs time Sandy. He isn't like Seth…he can't just be happy for no reason, or fake happiness like Seth did all those years, before Ryan came."

"How can a girl ruin his whole life?"

Kirsten starred at him, he didn't understand what he said offended her, "nice Sandy."

"No…I mean did he really know what love was at seventeen?"

"Sandy…he went almost half his life without love…he knows what love is…and Marissa was it for him." Kirsten rubbed Sandy's back, kissing his neck, "I love you."

"I love you too, dear," Sandy stood and picked up his briefcase, "I'll be home around ten tonight, got a new case in." He slumped out the door, thinking of the misery Ryan must have been in, and still is in.

Summer coddled Marissa until she had stopped crying, "you okay?"

"I think so," Marissa sat up forcing out the last of the cries, "I'm sorry Summer; I just…thinking of everything makes me cry."

"It shouldn't…I mean when you were with Ryan…without drugs or cuts, you were happy…weren't you?"

"I can't really remember," Marissa laughed, "isn't that sad?"

"Some things I wish…I could forget."

"Like?" Marissa asked as she swabbed her face.

"Like, life before Cohen…like when I treated you like shit…A lot Marissa, we all regret things we've done or said," Summer looked off into the dark nothingness, wishing that she could just erase most her life.

"So, I'm guessing Seth and Ryan go to school here too," Marissa broke the silence.

Summer laughed, "how else do you think I got in?"

She grinned, Summer never was that smart, "thanks Summer."

"For what?"

"For being there for me."

"When was I ever there for you?"

"Just now…" Marissa smiled.

Summer returned the smile and grabbed Marissa's hand, "I'll always be there for you, no matter what."

Marissa looked up to the New York sky line and wondered if God had placed her here, to see Summer again, to realize no one really caused her pain, that she was at fault. The tiny stars gleamed at the sight below; two friends getting over pain…together.

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**IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE:** Let me know guys...because if I get a lot of good feedback I will update quickly tomorrow I already have the next chapter planned out and everything...I love the way this story is going...so dark...it will be darker next chapter you have been warned...but those who have stuck with me will enjoy it...Love You All, Converses Rolled Down 


	33. Shirtless and Hopeless

**A/N:** This is a short, short one…but I worked hard on it, and I have been out of town for a couple days and didn't have access to the net. Let me know if you like the direction I took with this chapter I need like at least 3 reviews on this chapter before I start the next one…so that I can appeal to my audience. If you don't like where I took this chapter say so…I need honesty because it determines…if you like this chapters direction…where the story goes next…PLEASE REVIEW if you want the best story I can possibly make…I need three ok?...Then I will post again going in the direction the "people" want it to go…I know you all want R/M you'll have to wait…this chapter must be reviewed three times to determine its direction next chapter…LOVE YOU ALL, Converses Rolled Down

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Hailey sat on the yacht playing with the champagne bottle watching sparks of foam from the bottle seep into the small cracks between the wooden planks. Jimmy sat in white shorts, surveying the ocean sky line.

"So?" Hailey raised her eyebrows, along with her glass.

"It's nice," Jimmy smiled, wide.

"Fuck, its more than nice…its heaven."

"Yeah, heaven," Jimmy looked at Hailey, loving who he had chosen.

"Have you talked to Marissa lately?"

"No," Jimmy diverted his eyes, pain welling up inside him, "she won't talk to me."

"Why not?"

"She accuses me of everything that ever happened to her. That place changed her…into…her mother," he took a long sip of champagne.

"Wow, two Julies," Hailey tried to ease his pain, but nothing she said made Marissa who she used to be.

Jimmy laughed, "Yeah…two Julies."

He sat alone, in a cold fraternity bathroom; no one knew he was still there. He felt safe, knowing no one could find him, not even the police. He laughed at his cunningness, he of all people out smarted everyone. His phone rang off the hook for three hours; until he shoved it into the closest trash can, followed by dumping out his beer inside the same trash can. He leaned against the locked door, no one needed to hurl…it was a school night no one occupied this wing of the fraternity house on school days. He watched himself in the mirror, wow he looked like a train wreck. He stood and placed his hand on the mirror, feeling the image. He never used to be like this, his mind didn't run around without an end. Now _she _was all he could think about, and he was probably the last thing she thought of. He slowly slid his hand down the mirror and placed it back around his beer, it was comfortable there…it used to be comfortable around her waist, but that was over now. He poured a new brand of alcohol down his torn throat; Vodka seemed to be more fitting at this moment. He watched his reflection pour it down just as fast; he set the bottle down and eyed himself. He really let himself go to shit, he hadn't shaved in a couple days, his muscles well they were still the same, but fit differently under his new look of a sweater. He hated everything he had become. He was a nothing, a nobody, and had he seen himself becoming this…this loser, he would have kicked his ass. The mirror kept eyeing him, he fucking hated that image of himself. He threw the sweater off onto the floor, now he stood in front of the mirror his muscles looking at muscles. He hated that too, his fist slammed the mirror, shattering the other figure. Making his outside match his inside, that was his intention, the blood stuck to the mirror and in between his knuckles. God, it hurt like hell.

'_How could Marissa do this almost every night?' _He thought as he wrapped his hand in toilet paper. The blood followed him out the door, spreading onto the fraternity carpet.

'_Fuck…I gatta get that up.' _Just as he tried to clean, he passed out…falling face first into his own blood, shirtless, and hopeless.

* * *

Review.....I need three before I will continue...I want to know where you want this to go....SO R&R 


	34. My Wonderwall

**A/N:** What's up guys! Thanks for all the awesome reviews I finally broke my writers block and all this came out…I took it the same direction I did last night…this is a "lighter" chapter…and for those who are looking for Conroy and Mateo…they will return…:-)…Love You All, Converses Rolled Down

* * *

Seth called Ryan, for the thirteenth time that day, only to get his voice mail.

"Summer, where is he?"

Summer sat on Seth's bed, playing with her nails, "I don't know."

"What's going on Summer?"

"What do you mean?" Summer looked up from her nails.

"You've got news," he went up to her and knelt on the floor while looking in her murky coffee eyes, "I can tell." He smirked knowing it was something good.

"I saw Marissa," Summer watched shock wash over Seth's face; "she's living here."

"Holy shit, you seriously saw her?"

"Yeah, I was out by the fountain and she came down…we talked for a long time, she never got Ryan's letter."

"Does Ryan know she's here?"

"I don't think so."

"Summer, my god, she wants him back," Seth smiled wildly.

"No, actually, she moved on, that place changed her Seth, that girl isn't Marissa Cooper anymore."

"What?"

"She's cold…it isn't Marissa."

"Ryan, he could bring her back." Seth jumped up impatiently, dialing Ryan again.

"No," Summer grabbed at Seth's phone slamming it shut, "don't."

"He needs to know Summer. Have you seen him lately? He's a wreck, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat, and that isn't him either. They need each other," Seth dialed hoping for an answer.

"Seth, please," Summer reached out for the phone again, Ryan seeing Marissa again would only tear him down even further.

"Ryan? Hey man, where are you?" Seth looked at Summer and kissed her nose, "ah man, you alright...Marissa's here…calm down." Seth smiled again. "Same dorm as us, just on the other side," he looked to Summer for the room number.

"120 B," Summer mouthed.

"120 B man, yeah get your ass over there." Seth hung up the phone at looked at Summer, lovingly.

"Seth, you shouldn't have done that," she played with his long Jew-fro, scanning his hair with her fingers.

"If fate won't step in, I will," he beamed again and kissed Summer hard on the lips, "I love you."

"I love you too Cohen."

"He needs this," Seth put his forehead on hers.

"I know he does," Summer leaned in and kissed him pulling him onto the bed.

Seth put his arms behind his head and looked at Summer sitting across his waist, "god, how did I get this lucky?" He placed his cold hands on her waist, and pulled her down to his lips.

"How did I?" Summer kissed him lightly and laid her head on his chest.

Ryan stared at his phone, _'did that really happen? Did Seth just tell me Marissa was here, in New York? Should I go to her? Of course I should, I love her…but what if she doesn't love me?' _He pulled up his jeans as he stood, finally remembering the large gash on his fist. He walked down the hallway to Luke's dorm room.

"Hey, Luke," Ryan called into the room.

Luke appeared from under his covers, "Ryan man, what's up?" Luke glanced at the bloody toilet paper wrapped around his friend's hand.

"I need a shirt," Ryan leaned against the door way, playing with his blood-spattered toilet paper.

"And a hospital," Luke got up and walked to his closet, "Ha, I'm going back in the closet."

Ryan laughed uncomfortably, ever since Luke's dad "came out", he changed…and wasn't the ass he used to be.

"Here you go man, it's the only shirt I got that isn't Polo," Luke threw a plain white shirt Ryan's direction, "you need some gauze for that man?"

"You got that here?" Ryan slipped the shirt on, it was soft against his skin, which was rough now that Marissa was gone; lotion never got on his stomach from her body on his.

"Of course dude," Luke rummaged through his first aid kit, stuck behind a case of Heineken, "here it is," Luke placed the roll of gauze in Ryan's hand, "she does love you man."

Ryan just nodded, he didn't think she did anymore…she never returned his calls, letters, or anything. If she loved him, he wouldn't be the one calling her.

"Thanks for the shirt, and gauze," Ryan laughed and turned on his heals.

Marissa sat in her room, waiting for the alarm to go off. God she waiting every morning for that damned thing to go off, so she could get out of bed. She couldn't wait any longer and threw the covers on the floor. Her jeans awaited her on the carpet, the belt still lopped through the hoops. She eyed her closet looking for a cute shirt, that wouldn't make her look sluty, but still made her look attractive. She hadn't felt attractive in some time, the last time she did, she was with…Ryan.

'_God, get out of my head,' _she thought.

She pulled on her "Buddha" shirt, _'Ha, I haven't worn this since…oh fuck, I last saw Ryan.' _She kept it on, it was a cute shirt, and she liked the memories it brought to mind.

"**Today is gonna be the day**

**That they're gonna give it back to you**

**By now you should've somehow**

**Realized what you gotta do**

**I don't believe that anybody**

**Feels the way I do about you now"**

Ryan stood outside her door, reluctant to knock. The door mocked him, squeaking and cracking, he finally knocked.

Marissa heard a soft, reluctant knock on her door; she arose from her desk and opened the door halfway.

Ryan stood starring at her beautiful face, she hadn't changed at all.

"**Backbeat the word was on the street**

**That the fire in your heart is out**

**I'm sure you've heard it all before**

**But you never really had a doubt**

**I don't believe that anybody feels**

**The way I do about you now**

**And all the roads we have to walk are winding**

**And all the lights that lead the way are blinding**

**There are many things that I would**

**Like to say to you**

**I don't know how"**

Marissa watched his eyes; finally they came in contact with hers. She stood perfectly still, thinking only a dream would bring him in front of her. She motioned for him to come inside, and she watched his back tighten as he passed her.

Ryan stepped inside and turned back to her, they both laughed at the awkward silence.

"I…" they both started.

"Go ahead," Ryan waved her on.

"I…I'm sorry," Marissa looked down and saw blood flowing out of fist, "my god," she took his wounded hand in her silky one.

Ryan inched closer, "you don't need to be sorry," he put his left hand on her face, taking in the feeling of her skin.

"**I said maybe**

**You're gonna be the one who saves me**

**And after all**

**You're my wonderwall**

**Today was gonna be the day**

**That they'll never bring it back to you**

**By now you should've somehow**

**Realized what you're not to do**

**I don't believe that anybody**

**Feels the way I do about you now" **

Marissa leaned into his hand and took in that same smell of Chino and Newport. She looked back down at his other hand.

"How, did this happen?"

Ryan laughed, "I was drunk."

"Did we switch roles now?" Marissa laughed and Ryan moved his hand back down to his side, un sure as to what she wanted.

"**And all the roads we have to walk are winding**

**And all the lights that lead the way are blinding**

**There are many things that I would**

**Like to say to you**

**I don't know how"**

Summer lay atop a sleeping Seth, "I love you," she kissed his eyelids and lay back down on his chest. Slowly tears formed on his blue shirt, Summer laughed at how little things made her cry now. Seth felt her breathing faster and placed a hand on her back, rubbing it soothingly and quietly humming anything, to calm her.

"**I said maybe**

**You're gonna be the one who saves me**

**And after all**

**You're my wonderwall"**

Marissa sighed, and placed the last layer of gauze on his hand.

"Thanks," Ryan smiled, and watched a crooked smile form on Marissa's face, "god, I missed you."

Marissa blushed, then realized he had missed her, he didn't desert her, "I missed you too."

Ryan wiped her face with his softer hand, "don't cry."

Marissa leaned into him crying again onto his shoulder, Ryan relaxed at her touch.

"**Today was gonna be the day**

**That they'll never bring it back to you**

**By now you should've somehow**

**Realized what you're not to do**

**I don't believe that anybody**

**Feels the way I do about you now**

**And all the roads we have to walk are winding**

**And all the lights that lead the way are blinding**

**There are many things that I would like to say to you**

**But I don't know how"**

Seth awoke to Summer on the edge of the bed, crying.

"What's wrong?" He pulled her closer to him.

"Your dad called," Summer looked into his hazel eyes, and kissed his cheek.

"What happened?"

"It's…your mom."

"Is she okay?"

Summer leaned on him and cried.

"**Said maybe**

**You're gonna be the one that saves me**

**You're gonna be the one that saves me**

**And after all**

**You're my wonderwall**

**You're my wonderwall**

**You're my wonderwall**

**You're my wonderwall"**

Ryan pulled Marissa off him and looked at her face, "you're beautiful."

Marissa kissed his lips with built up passion, pulling him in closer.

* * *

Did I move this too fast? I really think they are meant to be...so him seeing her again...would result in that...let me know if I moved them too fast...I need opinions here people....Disclaimer: Show isnt mine, but I love it...Song isnt mine either it's _Ryan Adams_ **_"Wonderwall"_**


	35. Headed Home

**A/N:** Hey guys…this is one of my favorite chapters….I don't know I just like the way I wrote it…wow I sound conceded…I'm not…I just am proud of this chapter. Thank you for all those that reviewed I got a lot more than three ha ha….thanks…and

**To** **Amber003**: I know I just was listening to the Ryan Adams version when I wrote that chapter and his name was the one written down…Oasis, though, was the original band to do "Wonderwall"…**sorry about that.**

**To KC-Chick:** this chapter is dedicated to you, my true and honest reviewer…I took your advice on the "moving to fast" so this chapter is DEDICATED TO YOU, **KC-Chick!!** Love you all, Converses Rolled Down.

* * *

Summer played with her shoelaces, pulling them out and placing them back in their proper place. Summer Roberts was never that good at telling someone bad news. She grabbed Seth's hand and looked into his eyes, "She had a heart attack."

"My mom did?" Seth ran an unbelieving hand through his hair.

"Yeah, she had it at work."

"Summer, my mom is young, young people don't have heart attacks," Seth laughed uncomfortably.

"She had a heart attack Seth, we need to get to Newport," Summer stood and pulled Seth up, "pack, I got to find Ryan."

Marissa pushed Ryan off, "I can't do this," she straightened her shirt and stood.

"What are you talking about?" Ryan stood as well walking over to Marissa, grabbing her arm.

"Get off Ryan," she pushed his hands off her and opened her door, "this isn't right, this…is not going to happen."

"What do you mean?" Ryan stood in Marissa's way of the door.

"I can't go back to you, you saw what I was like when I was with you."

"You're blaming me for…everything? You were like that before me, Marissa. Besides I love you." Ryan moved closer.

"No Ryan," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "no you don't. You don't love me…it was lust, and you only wanted me so you could "save" me, and I don't need saving."

"You know that's not why I was with you! I loved," Ryan back tracked, "I love you, and I always will."

"Give it up Ryan," she shifted her weight to one side and set a hand on her hip.

"I'm not giving up on you," he placed a hand in her hair, she quickly pushed it out.

"You're…pathetic Ryan, you know that?" Marissa could hear his heart breaking after every word, "move on Ryan," she pushed him out the door, "move the fuck on."

Ryan watched the door shut on his face, he sat opposite her door recounting the events that had just occurred. Summer watched from the stairwell, she heard and saw everything, from the cold insult to the push.

"Come on Ryan, you need to get to Newport."

Ryan jumped at the sound of another voice, "Summer? What are you doing here?"

"Could ask you the same thing," she smiled, Ryan didn't understand the brain washing that had to have taken place at Laggards.

"I tried, I ruined it, but it's not a big deal," he nodded and stood up leaning against the wall, and spoke loudly enough for Marissa to hear, "it's not like I loved her or anything."

Marissa cried against the door, but the people at Laggards had told her to avoid her past. She continued to calm herself, until she heard Summer's voice telling Ryan they needed to head to Newport, his voice deepened and spoke harshly, **_'it's not like I loved her or anything.' _**She deserved that, at this point she deserved a knife in the spine. How could she say something like that to Ryan, **_'You're…pathetic Ryan, you know that? Move on.' _**She stepped back into the hall, but both Summer and Ryan had gone, yet the gauze she had placed carefully back on Ryan's fist lay in front of her door. His dried blood right at her front step, as if she had inflected this wound upon him, and needed to see the blood that had resulted. She closed her door again, and reached for her phone…she needed someone, someone like…her dad.

Seth hugged Ryan tightly once he saw him coming up the stairwell.

"Ryan, she had a heart attack."

Ryan placed a hand on Seth's back, "it's alright man, we'll go to her okay?"

"What happened to your hand?"

"Accident, I'm alright let's just go get those plane tickets," Ryan smiled, he didn't need someone falsely telling him that she loved him, he had Seth and Summer who did love him, for real.

"Seth, your dad already bought tickets, get your bag let's go," Ryan yelled as he stuffed one last T-shirt into his soccer bag.

"Coming, man, how can I use this as a carry on?" Seth held up his second bag, consisting of only comics.

Ryan laughed, and pulled Summer's, number three, bag of "necessities" down the stairs, "get Summer's other bags."

"Damn women," Seth joked.

Marissa sat on her bed, listening to her father praising her for finally calling him.

"Marissa, my god, I thought you hated me," Jimmy sat back on his lounge chair, sipping at his champagne.

"No, never daddy," Marissa loved the way his voice finally sounded content with life, "how's Hailey?"

"She's great…How is New York?"

"Hell," Marissa answered truthfully.

"Why?"

Marissa proceeded to tell her dad about Mateo, running into Summer, and her encounter with Ryan.

Ryan ran down the block leaving Summer, and Seth to catch a taxi.

"I have to tell this guy, that I won't be able to work," he yelled as he made his way down the busy streets of New York.

He opened the door, and smiled at the new bells Conroy had placed above it.

"Conroy!" He yelled in the small boutique.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, coming," Conroy grunted, "Oh Ryan, my boy, I don't need you till' Monday."

"Sir, my…err…my mom had a heart attack and I have to go back home and see her so I won't be here to work Monday. I promise I will next Monday," Ryan ran out of breath and took in a deep one, swallowing the stale taste of wood.

"It's okay, I hope your mother is alright," Conroy smiled and rubbed his old beaten hands, "gonna need your help."

Ryan nodded and ran back to Seth and Summer, who stood still waiting for a taxi. Ryan laughed and stuck his arm out, getting a tai almost immediately.

"Hang on kiddo, I got someone on the other line," Jimmy yelled over the braking waves.

"Kay," Marissa dried her tears with the most readily available tissue.

"Marissa," Jimmy cried once he got back on the line with her, "you need to come home, Kirsten's had a heart attack, I need you here."

"Of course," Marissa suddenly felt uneasy, she was about to be in the same place as Ryan, again, and after what she said to him, he probably wouldn't look her in the eyes. "How do I get there?"

"Sandy set aside some tickets at the LaGuardia Airport. You'll land in Long Beach, but a bus will be there to take you to Newport."

"When's the flight?"

"Three hours…you better get going," Jimmy smiled into the receiver, "I love you princess.."

"Love you too, dad," Marissa packed her things and headed out to LaGuardia.

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Alrighty thats this chapter...go on you know you want to review it...:-) Later 


	36. Not Ready

**A/N:** Sorry guys…I have been sick, and away from my house a couple of days…just got in and wrote up what I was imagining in my head…there will be a longer next update this is just part of what I wrote but I am still working on the other half…I just love you guys enough to put as much as I have done up…Thanks for the awesome reviews I felt so, so, so, so, proud of myself…hee hee, that I actually have fans…I love this website I never would have read some really awesome stories, and meet some really cool people. One thing though, who-am-i-91 asked my favorite kind of Converse…my favorite are navy blue high tops….with bands written on the bottom…personally added by my best friend who got bored one night when I slept over…I was asleep and awoke to see my favorite shoes…made even better as if it were possible…so yeah Converse Navy Blue High Tops!! ha ha thanks for that question it made me happy. :-) conceded means obsessed with oneself…sorry I probably spelled it wrong or something and Mateo was the boy who showed Marissa around campus when she first got there

Love, Converses Rolled Down (I own nothing but a pair of Converses)

* * *

Ryan stacked the over head bags, for Summer, above his seat. Seth had already taken his seat by the window and sat looking at the New York skyline, thinking of his dying mother. Slow tears fell onto Summer's seat; he wiped them up quickly not wanting her to see him crying.

"Hey Seth, how ya' doing?" Summer sat while she stroked his arm.

Seth wiped his nose with his sleeve, "I'm alright, it's just you know…I want to see her now."

"Aww, come here," Summer placed a hand on his head, as he lay it on her shoulder.

------------(scene dividor look at that beautiful line)

Marissa raced through the airport, running up to the gate, just as they announced a last call for her row.

"Here," she slapped the ticket on the counter and put her hands on her knees, to catch her breath.

"Go on in…" the attendant shook her head at Marissa, disapproving her attire of jeans and a tight 'Blondie' vintage shirt.

Marissa walked back, holding her breath, praying that Ryan, Seth, and Summer got an earlier flight.

--------(that's hot)

Ryan sat in the window seat jamming to the song he found on the airport radio. He drummed his fingers to the beat, impatient for take off to happen. Despite his lack of outward concern for Kirsten, inside he was thinking only of her, and how he really thought of her as his mother.

-----------

Marissa stepped to the side of the plane allowing her a view of the aisle before going to her seat.

'_Shit, I was right there they are, oh and it's awesome that my seat is the one next to Ryan.'_

She walked leisurely to her seat and coughed to let her appearance be known, Summer saw her first.

"Marissa, what the hell are you doing here?" Summer walked up to her pulling her back towards her seat, by a sleeping Seth.  
"My dad called and told me Kirsten had a heart attack, so here I am."

"Does…" Summer didn't even have to finish.

"No." Marissa looked at the floor, same flowery print as the plane she cut herself on.

Summer sighed, "this is going to be one fun trip," she laughed sarcastically and sat down next to Seth, she motioned for her to go to him, and she did.

------

Marissa sat down, causing Ryan to turn his head. He pulled the head phones off and looked at her for a while.

"What…"

"I'm sorry for what I said Ryan. I'm just not ready," she paused, "I don't know, honestly, if I will be."

Ryan nodded, he understood a lot had happened at Laggards; he didn't know exactly what had happened, but he was determined to find out.

Marissa rubbed at her eyes, she wasn't about to cry in front of him…again.

Ryan felt the plane move, and shut his eyes tightly, closing the window at the same time.

Marissa laughed at his fear of heights, he was such a wus. She grabbed his hand, and squeezed it tightly. Ryan opened one eye, and saw a smile deeply engraved into her face, he made her laugh, and if he couldn't actually be with her he could at least make her laugh.

* * *

There you are....**please review**...i got to go Parents are annoying...everyone agree? 


	37. The File

A/N: Sorry about the very, very, very late update! I have been so busy lately! Junior year is full of stuff to do…that and I was in a speech tournament so I had to get ready for that too. Okay I better address some stuff before we begin.

**KC-Chick** Yep you will find out more about Laggards in this chapter…sorry I took so long to update.

**The O.C.-oholic: **'Anyway, that chapter was short and sweet, I like the little bit of humor at the end! But maybe more things can happen in a chapter, I'm not talking about chap. 36, but other chapters before it, like 34 & 35, nothing much happened' …I thought a lot happened in 34 and 35 like Ryan goes to see Marissa and she dismissed him, and 35 is them heading home and Marissa finding out she has to head back too, for Jimmy's sake

**Anna: **Aww thanks for the compliment I blushed a little when I read it…love ya'

**Newportbabe44:** Yeah I plan on updating my other one when I find more time, its just hard to do two stories at once…I haven't had much time lately but once I find more…I WILL UPDATE IT!

Here you go, and once again I'm sorry for the late update!

Love You, Converses Rolled Down

* * *

Marissa began to sweat in her sleep, pressed hard against the bus window. Summer shook her, trying to stop Marissa's nightmare. 

"Coop, wake up!"

Marissa's head dropped then her head rose and eyes opened, "huh," she asked sleepily.

"You were sweating, and screaming," Summer helped her friend sit straight in the seat, "what's going on with you?"

She rubbed her forehead with the end corners of her shirt, "just…a bad dream that's all."

"Coop, I can tell when you are keeping something from me."

"I'M NOT!" Marissa yelled, a little louder than she intended too, "I'm not," she whispered.

"You can tell me…" Summer turned her body to face Marissa, "you can tell me anything."

--------

Seth looked up from his book, upon hearing Marissa yell, Ryan was still sound asleep against the window.

"Summer," he tugged on her arm, that was an aisle away from him.

She didn't respond but continued to whisper to Marissa. Seth shrugged and looked back to his book. He wasn't really reading he was just starring at the same word, thinking of his mother's condition, and the state his father must be in.

--------

Marissa cried into Summers hands, falling almost completely on her.

"I don't get this," Summer pulled Marissa out of her lap and back against the window.

"I…"

**FLASHBACK**

The night crept into a small crack under Marissa's door. Laggards closed up tightly at night, so the movements she intended to make had to be hushed. The glass of milk beside her quivered as she got carefully out of bed, the medicine the nurses assumed she had taken floated at the bottom of the glass. Marissa opened the door cautiously, and made her way down the all-white hall. She had been told by Halley that her mother was the one in charge of her medicine, and a file with "Cooper, Marissa" had everything she needed to know inside it. Halley hadn't been at work the past couple of days, so Marissa had to find the file on her own.

She tip-toed down to the lobby and waited for the night-shift nurse to change; she wasn't about to try to trick Nicole, the new head nurse. Betty, the old frail nurse, came and told Nicole to 'get the hell out,' that it was her turn to 'watch the crazies.' Marissa laughed, Betty hated her job, her life, but this job got her away from her husband.

Slowly, soon after Betty took her seat at the front desk, her eyes closed. Marissa waited until she was sure the eyes would stay shut. She crawled toward the desk, her body as close to the floor without actually laying on it. Betty stirred in her sleep and Marissa leapt under the desk. The files were in a drawer inside the office, but the keys to get in were on Betty's lap. Marissa's lean hand hovered over Betty's lap, under she was sure she had a good grip on the keys did she literally grabbed them.

She crawled over to the office door and opened it delicately; the file cabinet was pushed against the far wall. She closed the door behind her, and walked over to the cabinet, opening the middle drawer with the keys. Her name jutted out at her, she smiled broadly, and grabbed it. She turned, only to bump into Betty, who had a syringe filled with a clear liquid. Betty jammed the syringe into Marissa's milky white hip and injected all the needle had to offer. The file floated to the ground, almost in slow motion, as Marissa fainted hard onto the ground.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

------

Julie was cleaning her home, from that day's activity with Luke, when she came upon Marissa's file from Laggards. She smiled roughly at the thought of her daughters new out look on life. No Ryan, no cutting, no Jimmy, and only love for Julie. She stuffed the file into a cabinet above the sink and continued to clean.

-------

Summer sat in awe as Marissa finished, what she could remember of that night she tried to steal the file.

"Who do you think has it now?" Summer asked quietly.

"My mom," Marissa sat lower in her seat, "my whole life is in that file. I need it back Summer."

Summer nodded, "not now, Marissa, not while Kirsten is like this."

"Well, I got to get it before I go back to New York."

* * *

Well what did you think....we all know I need reviews before I update lol....next chapter we will see Kirsten but I needed to address the "Laggard's" issue....Review and tell me what you think guys! Love, Converses Rolled Down


	38. No Longer Without Cause

**A/N:** Hey guys…Faster and tad bit longer update I would have to say. I'll try to update within the week again, but wed. I have SAT class after school, and Sat is my actual SAT…I will try to update on Sunday, or after I nap from the SAT's on Saturday…Wish me luck on those killers!! Someone asked a question on why Summer was crying: Because Sandy called and told her Kirsten had a heart attack…and about the file, someone asked its relevance…it is a vital part of the story right now, and important that it get into the right hands….and not Julies lol….Also someone asked what my other story is called it's "Lack Of Color"...tell me what you think of this chapter, to tell you the truth,it makes me create a chapter quicker….Love, **Converses Rolled Down**

**Disclaimer:** Still stands…I own nothing

**CHECK IT OUT:** **_KC-Chick's_** _"The One In Need"_ or really any of her stories…they rock my socks off, and also **_THEOCISME_** has a new story out that is really interesting, but rated R for a reason…if you can handle R's you will really enjoy _"Secret"...._Check it out

Ryan walked ahead of Seth and Summer pacing himself slightly. He wanted to see Kirsten as soon as humanly possible. Marissa lagged behind still tired from the trip; Seth wiped the last of his tears, he wasn't about to cry in front of his mother. The long hall seemed to suspend itself in front of them, growing longer as they trailed on. Ryan was the first to spot Sandy and Jimmy leaning against the wall.

"Sandy!" Ryan yelled out, embracing him.

"Hey Ryan," Sandy returned the hug, surprised he even got one, and went to hug Seth, "Seth, come here."

Jimmy ran out to Marissa, hugging and kissing her foreheadfeverishly, "Kiddo!"

Summer stood behind watching the families embrace their children, Seth noticed her standing far off and called her in. He hugged her tightly and walked with her into Kirsten's room.

Tubes hung onto the dirty hospital tile, Kirsten lay in the bed doing a crossword puzzle.

"Mom," Seth leapt to his mother's side and clung to her arms.

Kirsten stroked his back and winked at Summer, "I'm fine Seth."

"Fine…you're in a hospital bed mom!" Seth let go of Summers hand and sat in the nearest chair to his mother.

"Seth, the doctor says I'll be perfectly fine. I just have to watch what I eat, and my stress level."

Summer wiped her eyes, drawing some of her black eyeliner down to her cheek.

"Summer, come here," Kirsten summoned.

Summer walked up with a sad smile, "yes, Mrs. Cohen?"

"Kirsten, its Kirsten," she opened her arms to Summer.

Summer timidly walked into Kirsten's arms, "Kirsten…"

Seth smiled as he watched the two women he loved the most embrace each other.

Ryan stood outside the room, watching Seth and Summer crowd Kirsten's bed. He watched his family tumble into the room, followed by Jimmy and Marissa. He felt out of place, as they all packed in; this was not what the Atwood family would be doing. Sandy motioned for Ryan to follow him in, but Ryan just nodded and let them pass. He walked out to the machines filled to the brim with candy, and sugars. He fingered the keys and held his still wounded hand, he leaned against the machine.

'_That is my family in there. What am I doing out here? I'm being dense…they want me in there, as much as I want to be in there. Just a couple steps and you're in there. Kirsten needs to see you, she wants to see you, Ryan.' _He kept telling himself.

He walked modestly into the room, only to be immediately called into a hug by Kirsten.

The Cohen's, Roberts, and Coopers talked for what seemed like forever, until a doctor came in to report Kirsten's condition.

"She's going to be just fine, everyone," the doctor announced.

"When will she be allowed to go home?" Sandy asked.

"I would say she would be stable enough for home by tomorrow," the doctor played with his coat.

"Anything we need to make sure she has?" Seth questioned.

"Hum…I would say some cold drinks, soft foods for a while, and a comfy bed to lay in for a couple days."

"What about work?"

"Kirsten, you don't need to think of work right away," Sandy retorted.

"I want to know Sandy," Kirsten yelled, Ryan soothed her by holding onto her hand.

"I would say in about three weeks, but you'll still have to take it easy."

Jimmy rocked Marissa in his arms, glad to have her there again, "you guys wanna head back to the Cohens'?"

"You're staying there too dad?"

"Yeah, my house is usually a boat," he laughed, "Hailey and I; we're just bunking with Sandy."

"I didn't want to be alone," Sandy coughed.

Seth stood up from the chair, forcing Summer out of his lap, "mom, you ganna be okay here with just dad?"

"You think he'll do something to me, Seth?" Kirsten laughed.

"Eww…keep that kind of stuff to yourself," Seth cringed under the embarrassment.

No one else got what Seth was getting at, not even Kirsten or Sandy.

Back at the Nichol house, Julie was cleaning for the arrival of her eldest daughter, who she hoped was changed for the betterment of…well, just Julie. Caleb pulled the car out front, not Caleb personally but his driver pulled out front.

"To the Cohens', Deedrick," Julie shouted once she was in the car.

Jimmy spread out Marissa's things in the guest room, "you and Summer staying in here?"

"Yeah," Marissa focused on the window sill.

"Something wrong, kiddo," Jimmy pulled her to sit next to him on the bed, "what's up?"

Marissa cried a little, but quickly stopped herself, "just this is a little different than it used to be."

Ryan appeared in the doorway, "sorry am I interrupting something?"

Jimmy turned, "what is it Ryan," he said as nicely as he could.

"Seth and Summer, wanted to know if Marissa was ganna go to the pier with us now."

Jimmy looked down at Marissa, "not now Ryan."

Ryan turned with a small nodded and closed the door behind him. He propped himself against the wall, and saw Summer casually walking down the hall.

He grabbed her arm, "what's going on with Marissa?"

Summer bit her lip and took her arm out of his hand, "she just is going through the transition from Laggard's to home."

"There's more to it than that, and you know it!" Ryan yelled.

"Fine," Summer whispered, "she knows her mom has this file that has everything that happened at Laggard's in it…happy now?" Summer stormed off, not really sure she made the right decision, telling him.

Ryan leaned back against the wall, and pulled out his cell phone he dialed quickly, "Luke, man, what's up."


	39. I Thought You'd Understand

**A/N:** Alright-y guys here is another chapter…really sorry it is so short, but I was studying for the SAT's on Friday, and didn't post like I thought I would, Saturday was just a mess, and today I was…well there isn't an excuse for today…lol I was just lazy! Anyway sorry its short, but I figured a little is better than nothing! Let me know what you guys are thinking about this, it helps me to keep going….pretty soon this one is ganna end though I'm sad to say….cries a little

**FanFic-Fan-Forever:** Thank you for wishing me luck, I needed it!

**KC-Chick:** Thank you as well for mentioning me in yours as well! And the good luck statement- Thanks

**CHECK IT OUT:** **_KC-Chick's_** _"New Beginnings" _or really any of her stories…they rock my socks off, and also **_THEOCISME_** has a new story out that is really interesting, but rated R for a reason…if you can handle R's you will really enjoy _"Secret"...._Check it out

Love, **Converses Rolled Down**

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Ryan ran down the pier meeting up with a lost-looking Luke. 

"Hey man!" Ryan patted his back and suddenly realized something was wrong, "What's wrong?"

"You knew about me and Julie, right?"

"What?"

"Me and Julie, err…Mrs. Nichol."

"What?" Ryan repeated, hoping Luke misspoke.

"I've been," Luke paused and shifted his weight, "I've been sleeping with Julie."

"Marissa's mom…." Ryan rammed his ribs into the pier rail in shock.

"Yeah," was all Luke could force out.

"Holy…Why?"

"You don't understand…"

"Obviously not man…"

"I've had a little thing for her….for a long time; it isn't just all of a sudden."

"That is sick…."

"I thought made you of all people would understand," Luke swung around to come face to face with Ryan.

"How could I understand you sleeping with Julie?"

"Just…Liking someone from a distance dude, like you love that person but you know it's wrong to go after it."

"How would I understand that?" Ryan knew the answer he just wanted to hear it from Luke.

"Marissa, she isn't going to come back to you man, she's been through so much and a relationship would make it worse."

Ryan let his anger settle before he spoke, "you're right, Luke," he looked out to the sun setting onto the water, "absolutely right."

Luke grabbed a hold of the bar in front of him and teetered back and forth.

"That's why I need your help, and now you are really in a good position," Ryan winced at the wording, "not like that…" he stuttered through his thoughts.

"Go on man, its okay."

"Yeah, okay here's the situation Luke; Marissa…something happened at Laggard's…something that really changed her, and not for the better either. Julie, has this file okay?"

"And," Luke became totally interested since the mention of Julie.

"I need that file, Marissa needs that file."

"What's in it that you need?"

"Everything," Ryan eyed the people walking behind them; he made eye contact and went on as if everyone was listening to him, "I need you to get it."

"How?"

"That's for you to figure out…Since you have this…relationship…oh god…this relationship with Julie, you are my best bet to get it for me."

"If you didn't know about me and Julie before, why did you call me?"

"Well, Julie hates me, there was no way I was going to be able to get it, and you…," Ryan stumbled onto the right words, "know her better than me, and apparently she likes you." He laughed a little.

"I can't do that to Julie, Ryan."

"Do it for Marissa….for me….Jimmy even."

"I…"

"Luke, look at me," he did so, "it is really, really important that you do this, or Marissa will never be who she was."

"I don't think I can."

"You can Luke, you just got to get in that house, and get Julie to get something and look for it."

"And what if she doesn't have it?"

"She has it Luke."

"What if I can't find it?"

"Julie isn't that sneaky…" Ryan realized what he just said, if she wasn't sneaky then she couldn't hide her affair with Luke from anyone, and apparently she was.

"I'll do it…" Luke said suddenly.

"You will?"

"Yeah, for Marissa, and you," Luke patted Ryan's back, "what does this file look like exactly?"

"I really don't know, but its ganna have Laggard's on it, and Marissa's name."

"Okay, I'll look for it when I go over there today."

"Thank you so much man," Ryan stretched out his hand for Luke to shake.

Luke nodded and walked down the pier toward his house.

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Let me know how that chapter felt to you....I need reviews before I begin my next chapter 


	40. Luke Comes Through

**A/N:** Sorry I had to fix my embarrassing mistake of naming Hailey Cohen and Caleb Cohen…I tried to write rapidly last time and this mistake went right past me…thank you to those who spotted it, I feel stupid…I will update with a NEW chapter tonight…I better get homework done now, so I can write and not make mistakes, lol. Later, Converses Rolled Down

**Looking for some good stories?** Check these out: Arinqua, "Undeniable Connection"; Newportbabe, "Cheaters In Love"; KC-Chick, "One In Need" or "The Not So Lonely Hearts"; Genevra, "Intertwined"; Super Chino "Bad Behavior," ANYTHING WRITTEN BY MY LOVE (lol) LaLa456.

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_'I never apologize to her for all the shit I did, I let her die. Would this make it up to her?' _Luke paced the driveway in front of the Nichol mansion; Julie had a "booty call" for him. This was his chance, but where is he supposed to start? 'Hey Julie can I see Marissa's private file from Laggards?' That was if she even had it. He rubbed his hands under his shirt, liberating himself of the sweat. The door to the house swung open on its own and Julie stood in front of him…in well pretty much nothing.

"Uhh…" Luke stared at the bare feet first hoping he could get what he came here for.

"Luke," Julie pulled up his chin and pulled him in the house; kissing him as she shut the door with her foot.

Luke pushed her away gently, "hey, umm…can I have a drink real quick," he rubbed his throat, "dry," he muttered.

"Yeah sure," Julie walked out into the kitchen.

Luke scrambled through the drawers by the front door, carefully placing documents back if it wasn't Marissa's file. Julie waltzed back into the living room, soda in hand, "what are you doing?"

"Uhh," Luke struggled for an excuse, "I need to wash my hands, my nose, was bleeding, I was umm looking for napkins or something."

"Oh…" Julie pointed toward the kitchen just as the phone rang, "you clean up I'll see who that is."

Luke found his way to the kitchen and washed his sweating hands, he leaned down to the cabinet below the sink for a paper towel when he saw it. Marissa's file covered in hard piles of dust and grime. He slid his hand over it and stuffed it under his sweatshirt. Julie walked in and rubbed his shoulders, Luke buckled under the weight of her hands.

"I forgot I better head to my house, my dads getting home tonight."

"Ok, but I thought…" Julie whimpered.

"But I'm only home for a couple more days, before I head back up to NYU, and I really need to spend some time with my family."

"Oh…" Julie walked him to the door, and watched him walk off down the street.

-

"Here Ryan," Luke nervously handed over the file.

"Thanks man, I really appreciate it," Ryan watched Luke's eyes dart around the boardwalk, "dude are you okay."

Luke wiped the sweat off his face smiling as best he could, "yeah fine."

-

Marissa sat on the pool house bed looking out at the pool, where Seth and Summer were holding each other on the edge of the cool water. She lay back and watched the reflections play tag on the ceiling. She remembered her many nights out in that very little house, crying over minute things which now seem to be ridiculous. The door opened softly and she felt a weight of another body lying beside her. She turned to see Ryan, eyes shut, breathing softly. She put her hand in his and startled him to waking.

"Here," Ryan took his hand out of hers and slipped the file onto her stomach.

They sat up together; Marissa thumbed open the file reading aloud the first rusted page:

Name: Marissa Cooper

Age: 16

Reason for enrollment: Cutting, Alcoholism, Depression, Drugs.

Name of enroller: Julie Cooper-Nichol

Relation: Mother

Extra precautions: No visitors unless otherwise stated by Julie Cooper-Nichol, patient undergo hypnosis for betterment of self, no outside contact whatsoever, drugs must be first approved by Julie Cooper-Nichol, and must have extra supervision. A Mr. Ryan Atwood is not allowed within thirty feet of Laggard premises due to a restraining order filed by Marissa Cooper and Julie Cooper-Nichol. Hypnosis must further her intellect as well as remind her of the beautiful family she has, excluding Jimmy Cooper, Ryan Atwood, Summer Roberts, Sandy Cohen, Kirsten Cohen, and Seth Cohen.

Marissa is hereby dismissed with the fulfillment of the following requirements:

1. an understanding of family history (Her father's bankruptcy, her mother's salvage of the family, and her better life w/o her father).

2. Ryan Atwood's strong cheating on Marissa Cooper during the relationship

3. Marissa's knowledge of the following events: Ryan beating her, her father leaving the family w/o explanation, her mother caring for her during the time of drug use, cutting, and depression.

ABSOLUTELY NO OUTSIDE CONTACT WITH THE FOLLOWING PERSONS: JIMMY COOPER, HAILEY NICHOL, RYAN ATWOOD, SANDY COHEN, SETH COHEN, KIRSTEN COHEN, AND SUMMER ROBERTS. (Extra payment will be made for the following of the guidelines set by Julie Cooper-Nichol.)

Graduation: Marissa has completed her transformation from cutter, alcoholic, drugie, to wonderful young women; there have been no fall backs in the hypnotic section of her rehabilitation, and no contact with anyone who was not Julie Cooper-Nichol, or Caleb Nichol.

-

Marissa felt her heart beat slow, to a constant tapping. She looked at Ryan, who sympathetically nodded.

"I'm sorry," he rose from the bed and walked out to Seth and Summer.

Marissa walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Her father was out getting her a coffee so she settled for a hot shower. No one would be able to tell the loud and steady stream of boiling water from Marissa's tears. She sat- fully clothed under the hot water, knowing full and well that her journey had just begun, not ended at Laggards.

Ryan walked into the pool house; he knew Marissa was somewhere inside. He walked toward the bathroom down and heard the showers constant stream of water, and behind it the soft and careful sobs from Marissa. He walked in, and opened the shower door, Marissa did nothing but look up into his now dark blue eyes. He got inside the shower, his wife beater sticking to him, and sat beside her, holding on to her thrashing body. She pulled and punched at him, but eventually gave into his hug suddenly and cried onto him.

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There is my fixed verison of CHAPTER 40...41 will be up by the end of the day today...Thank you and I love you all, Converses Rolled Down 


	41. Just Letting Her Blood Drip

**A/N:** Final Chapter right here! I will be starting another story based upon SS, and a little RM in there for the many RM fans. I think my ending leaves much to be desired but I kind of want to leave it open for a sequel. Thank you to everyone who has read this story, it has been a long time coming and so it's hard to say that this story is over….I love you all so, so, so much, Converses Rolled Down.

**Please let me know if you liked how I ended it…if it needed more, or if it worked.

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**

The next morning Marissa awoke to a seemingly empty pool house, she peered over to the couch, and saw Ryan asleep. She got up and walked over to him, his breathing was so rhythmic that every little hiccup in his pattern made Marissa jump. She got on her knees next to the couch, and saw his eyelids flutter with dreams. She moved his blonde strands out of his face, and watched him slowly open his eyes.

"Light sleeper," Marissa whispered.

"I have to be," Ryan smiled and moved to the back of the couch as she climbed on, her back against his chest.

"I…" Marissa started.

Ryan moved his hands to wrap around her waist, "you don't need to say anything."

Marissa turned toward him, looking at his deep-sea colored eyes, "I'm not going to be perfect, I'm going to have breakdowns, and I'm not going to be good enough for you," her eyes began watering.

"Marissa, no one is perfect, and we all have our breakdowns, but you…," he struggled with his words," you are what I want…you are who I want to eventually spend the rest of my life with." Ryan smiled at the sound of his own words; he never was a 'cheesy guy.'

"Ryan, I've been through so much, and I'm not sure if I will get better…to tell you the truth, I don't want to give up drinking, drugs, or even cutting."

"I love you, and I'll help you get through this-"

"You have so much you could be doing with your life than taking care of me."

"…that's what I want to do, to be able to see you- you smile again, laugh and enjoy life, and I for one think you can get better."

"I'm a mess-"

"I don't care," Ryan held tightly to her.

Marissa let out the air she had been holding in, "are you sure…are you okay with the drama that I drag along with me, are you okay with the many times I will scream that 'I hate you', are you going to forgive me for what I've done, and will do?"

"Marissa, I don't need to forgive you for anything, none of what happened…I mean none of it was intentional…and honestly….," Ryan beamed," I love the drama."

Marissa smiled, and kissed him hard on the lips, it was meant to be a short kiss, but Ryan needed more than that. He let his tongue explore where it had been so familiar with, he loved her, he just didn't and wouldn't understand what goes on in her mind, when she just let's her blood drip.

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Last time I will ever ask y'all to review on this story...cries...unless the ending didn't satisfy in which case I will write a better one...let me know my great reviewers 


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